FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2425, 5 September 1900, Page 56

FUN AND FANCY.

— Even the absent-minded man sejdom forgets his troubles. ■ The pickpocket sometimes follows his vocation ju3t to keep his hand in. — Many a man dresses - more expensively than the men to whom he owes money.

1 _ A -mine is a good deal like many a woman's love— nobody can tell what it is worth. — The? Dreamer: "1 piyt all my brains into Ihis little poem." Practical Maid : "AwfitLy short, isn't it?" — "Hush, there are visitors in the drawingroom." ' "How do you know?" "Listen! Papa is saying 'My dear' to mamma. ' —"Married yet, old man? ' -No ; but I'm engaged, and that's as good as married. "It's better, if you only knew it." # , —An Irishman, on weighing his pig, exclaimed, "It does not weigh sc much as 1 expected, and I never thought it would. f Hogan: "Do you believe in , dreams, Mike?" Duggan : "Faith, an' Ido ! Last night I dhremt I was awake, an' in the roornin^ me dhream kern thrue." • —"I've a dreadful cold, doctor. Isee you have. Let me feel your pulhe. Hm ! .Yes. You'd better take a hot bach, and under no circumstances get your feet wet. — Growell (in cheap lestaurant) : Mere, Avaiter, are these mutton or pork, chops? Waiter": "Can't you tell by the tasted "No." "Then what difference does it make which they are?" . — Little Mike (nursing his aching I*™)-, "Feyther, did yez iver hoy a, toot' puLed? M'Lubberty (encouragingly) : "Hundreds ay 'em, me by; hundreds ay 'em!" — Benevolent person (to old tramp) : You ought to be ashamed of yourself to be begging at your age." Tramp (indignantly) : "How on earth can I beg at any other age now, I d like to know. Give me a. penny." — "That's a, terrible noise_ in the nursery, Molly," said the mistress. " "What's the matter? Can't you keep the baby quiet? "Shure, ma'am," replied Molly, "I can Uceep him quiet unless I let him make a noise. — Said One Shopper: "Oh, I saw just the loveliest, sweetest, prettiest baby a minute ago." Said the Other Shopper: "What! Do you mean to tell me that stupid nurse has dared to bring out my little darling in such a day as this?" . _ „ . . — "Your greatest enemy is whisky, said the parson to an incorrigible member ot ( his flock. "But," said the Avayward one, "you have always told us to love our enemies. answered the good man, "but not to swallow them."

" —The two men had talked for a time in the train. "ATe you going to hear Barking lecture to-jiight?" said one. "Yes," returned the other. "Take my advice and don't. J. hear that he is an awful bore." "I must go," said the other. * "I'm Barkins." — "Why, Clara, dear, what has happened? It is not a month since your marriage, and I find you sighing and moping already!" "Ah, Hilda, darling ! George is standing as member for the county; you know, and I,'ve only just learnt from the opposition Avhat a, really dreadful man I have married !"

• — "Papa," said the boy, "when yoti say in. your advertisement? that your goods are acknowledged by connoisseurs to be the" best, what do you mean by connoisseurs?" "A connoisseur, my boy," answered the great manufacturer, "is an eminent authority — an authority, in short, who admits that our goods are the best."

— It is much easier to be polite and neighbourly than to fly into a passion when things don't suit you. Tako this note, for instance, addressed by a lady to a Avomau who lived next door: — "Dear Madam, — Your children, Avho are numerous and appear to be disorderly, no doubt deserve the frequent floggings you give them ; but, as my nerves are weak, I write this to ask if you can't do something to deaden the sound." — Ella: "The gentleman who lodges above appears very attentive to you." Bella: "Ah, yes ; lam even engaged to him. But yet I am tortured Avith doubt. Would that I knew whether he loves me for myself alone !" Ell* : "But why in .the world should he marry you otherwise?" Bella: "Well, to tell the truth, lie owect my mother six months' rent."

— Two commercial travellers in a railway carriage entered into conversation. One of them trie-d very" hard to make the other understand something, but he was either very 2iard of hearing 1 or slow in believing." At last his friend lost his temper, and exclaimed, "Why, don't you see? It's as plain as A BO!" "That may be," said the other; "but, you see, I am D 15 F." — "Hubby, dear, I can't wait to tell what L'm going to buy you !"' "Darling wife, what i? it?" "Well, I'm going to get a silver card-tray, a bronze flercules for the mantelpiece, and a new Persian rug to put in the front of my dressing table. What are you going to do for me, Tooteey?" "I've been thinking, Jane, and haVe made up my mind to get you a new shaving brush."