FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2009, 25 August 1892, Page 37

FUN AND FANCY.

— A young man advertises his desire for a wife, " Pretty, and entirely ignorant of the facf." There's a sadness in her sadness when she's sad, Aud a gladness in her gladness when sho's glad, But the sadness of her sadness And the gladness of her gladness Are not in it with her madness when she's mad.

— His Greatest Work.— Friend of playwright : " Tell me, now, what do you consider your greatest work?" Playwright: •• Getting my plays accepted after they are written."

— " The play last night wasn't realistic enough for me." " What was the trouble 7 " v You know that chap who was killed in the third act ?" "Yes." "Well, I saw him in the street this morning."

— (> Look heab, Boxer, did jou call me a common ass?" "No, Fopscn, I said you were an uncommon asß." "Aw, that's different; I cawn't stand having anybody call me common, y'know." — Featherstone : "Do you believe in gho3ta?" Travers: "Well, for years I have been living in a haunted house." jFeatherstone : "You don't tell me I Who is it haunted by?" Travers: "By my ■tailor."

.—. — Traveller (to Irish railway porter labelling ieggage) : " Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter 7" Porter: "Shure, yer Jionner, our tongues is the only instruments we're allowed j but they're aisykep' wet, yer Jionner J " (Hint taken.)

— Wife : " You ought to Btep in and see the doctor, Henry, and Isam what is the matter with you and get some medicine." Husband: "What! when there are several bottles of medicine not yet half taken in the house 1 We mast be economical."

—In Chicago. First Lady: "I feel terribly mortified." Second ditto: "Why, dear ? " " Why, you know, ab my divorce this morniDg I>f1 >f lf Well ? " " When the Court granted me my right to resume my maiden name, I was so agitated that I gave the surnime of my third husband." How it Happened. —A. (in astonishmeat); " I say, your top-coat is covered with dirtl" B. (calmly): "Ib fell into the gutter as I was coming home from the club Jast night." A. <in surprise) : •• Why didn't you keep better hold of it ? " B. (still calmly) : " Because I uad it on at the time." — A young English traveller in Valencia recenii/ became enamoured of a gipsy girl, but told the mother that he was not rich enough to marry tier. The mother laughed and »aid "What/ not rich enough in the iaud of guineas ? Why, with so accomplished a thief as my daughter, yos will be a millionaire in a twelvemonth 1 "

A birthday gift was given to a wife by her , tinsband and three children. The youngest, j a little ten-yefctold, was appointed to make 1 the speech of presentation. She did it after touch preparation for the occasion, and this , was the form it took : — " Dear mamma, this gift is presented to you by yosr three j children and your one husband." — That was a terrible blunder that Miss frushington made the olher evenirjg, and one ' ths»£ might have had serious consequences. His arm foad stolen round her wai3t, her head tested loviugl/ on his shoulder, and looking Up ia a sly way she eaid :— * ; Da you know, George, d^ar " " You mean Jaraes, dear, , I think," he interrupted. "Of course," Miss j ©ushington assented. " How stupid of me, : to be sure I I was i&iiikins: this was Wednesday evening." — " gkariff," said the maa 6a the scaffold & fevV moments before that individual was going* to get the 4rop on him, " will you be j kind enough to request the choir to sing BomethiOfe' eleo 7 " " Wlwtf j the matter with what Uiey'ro singing now?" asked the sheriff, who bad no ear for masia vortb mentioning. "Hothing, possibly, to you,"i *a« the reply; w but, really, I don't think j * Blest be the tie that binds ' is at all appropriate fco such an occasion aa this." "By thunder I " blurted out the sheriff. '•• I hadn't thought of that." Brown (who had just had telephonic connection established between his office and bouse, and is very much pleased with it) : " I tell you Smith this telephone is a wonderful thing. I wantyou to dine with me again this evening, and I will notify Mrs Brown to expect you." Speakingthrough the telephone : «Uy triend Smith will dine with us this eveniDg. Now listeD, and hear how distinctly her reply will come back." Mrs Brown's reply (coming back with a startling -distinctness) : '« Ask Mr Smith if he thinks vie keep a hotel.**

— During the last year 18Qf> gvls graduated iirom the Boston cooking schools.

fiCaye you a cough * Sleepless nights need *o Songer trouble you. Ayer"s Cherry Pectoral will jfltop the cough, allay the inflammation, and in■duce repose. JLt will, moreover, heal tlie pulmonary organs and give yon health.