FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1897, 12 June 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

— He who acquires wealth dishonestly is too corrupt to enjoy it. — Josh Billings.

— It iz a grate art tew be superior to others without letting them kno it.— Josh Billings.

— A man is happiest when he can forget all the mean things he knows about himself.

—It is with love as with soup— the first helping is always too hot and the last too cold.

— A new through Pullman car from New York to San Francisco is to be called " Kindness," because kindness goes a long way.

— Speculative Builder : " I don't care what people say ! Big fiats don't pay in London." Bookie : " Well, I say, them's what do pay."

— A writer stated in a recent obituary notice that " the deceased was born in his native town, where he has ever since resided."

— An Irish car driver, in his list of journey expenses, entered into the item of " refreshment for horses," threepence worth of whipcord.

— No one condemns more loudly the vulgarity of punning than the fellow who doesn't see the point until after everybody else has laughed.

—Crusty : " There, Blobbs, I tell you that young man is on the road to ruin." Blobbs (absent-mindedly) : " Dear, dear, where did you meet him 7 "

— It is said that learning Dutch is the latest fad on the Stock Exchange, and "Djevverseesushweather " has become quite a common expression.

— A Woman of Character. — Mistress : " You say you've been in service 10 years Have you a good character?" New Cook: " Yes, mum— uppards of 50."'

— Barber : •' Your head is sadly in need of a shampoo, sir." Tailor (in the chair) : "Yes, and jour clothes are decidedly seedy, but I don't nag you about it."

— Mr Whitewings : " Say, I hear you've been a-callin' me a fool." Uncle Pete : " I didn't call yer a fool,. I ain't no sech fool as ter say eberyting I tinks."

— Attheßarber's Shop.— Customer: "How's business ? " Wragge : " Lively." Customer : "I thought so." Wragge: "How did you guess ? " Customer : " Razor's dull." — Cholly (to Irishman ringing fog bell at ferry landing) : " Aw — my man, why is this bwell ringing 7 " Irishman : " Can't you gee, you phool, it's because Oi'm pullin' th' r-rope 1 " — " I am surprised that they leave that Venus in so public a place as the library." — " Yes, they ought to move her into the ballroom, where she wouldn't be so conspicuous." — Some Frenchmen who had landed in Guinea were brought before a negro prince. He was seated on a large block of wood under a tree, with three guards with wooden pikes. He asked them : "Do they talk much of me in Iranae 1 "

—Scene— A fancy-dress ball. He : " And what character do you represent 1 " Decollelce Damsel (in green tulle dress): "Why, can't you guess? I'm the sea of course." He : " Ah, yes ; and at low tide, I notice." — Fruit or Vegetable. — Smith : " Look here, Brown, we'll soon decide the matter; let's ask the waiter. Waiter, are',tomatoes a fruit or a vegetable?" Waiter: "Neither, sir. Tomatoes is a hcxtra."

— Teacher : " And now, my dear children, we will take a sentenoe — ' William dislikes jam.' Now, what good little boy can tell me what William is 7 " That wastral Johnny (from the bottom of the class, dogmatically) : "Ahass." — A sanitary crank says : " Don't let the baby sleep with his mouth open." This advice is so easily followed, too. All that is necessary is for the parents to take turns keeping (awake o" nights to see that baby keeps his mouth shut while he is asleep. — A clergyman who recently held services in a prison preached from the text, "Go home to thy friends " ; and for once in their sin-stained, crime-haunted lives the audience expressed a desire to follow a good man's advice.

—Samson Smirk (our High Church curate) : " Ah, my dear Miss Mode, and what are you denying yourself this Lent ? " — " I'm denying myself a new prayer book, and giving anything to the offertory and several other things. I'm scraping everything I can get together for a new spring bonnet."

— Wife: "William, the harness is so far gone at the traces that I am afraid to go out driving until it has been repaired." Husband (wearily) : " Another bill I " Wife (despondently): "So many small expenses!" Husband (brightening) : " Now's the time to lend the horse to the minister." Who's seen the oat fish in the stream, Or the meadow lark in the grass. Who's seen the wind fall in the cream, And the tree bough aa we pass? Who's seen a monkey wrench a nail, Or the peanut stand and smllo, Who'e seen the waß«on tire and fall, While the fish balls all the while? —The Newly Married One (sobbing): " Oh, John, I've been so worried to-day, I made a lovely steak-pie that you used to be so fond of before we were married, and the cat lias got to it, and — and eaten it nearly all." John (soothing her) : " There— there, my darling, dry your tears, a cat like that is not worth troubling about. We can get another."

— TheWagnerCraze — He (in the " fcrce "): " Where have your master and mistress gone to-night 1 " She (cook in gentleman's family) : "To the theatre, where they are giving a play of Wagner's Ach ! he's a splendid fellow, that Wagner ; I fairly dote on him?" He: "How's that?" She: " You see, his pieces are so long that our folks never get back from the theatre till after 11."— Lustige Bliitter. *'

—Mendicant (to old lady) : " ' Avn't 'ad a bit for two days, kind lady, von'fc yer give me a loaf of bread 1 " Old Lady : " Well, you don't look like it ; but I'll give you one, and if you've told a story you are a very bad man. Here's threepence halfpenny, and you can get yourself a lialf-quarten loaf." Mendicant (tilting an heirloom of a hut, and takins: the money) : "It will be another halfpenny, lady, I only patronise one baker — the best — bakes for the Queen and all the Royal Family. You will not ? Then I must spend it in that accussed liquor, called gin." Old Lady, horror-struck at the thought of driving him to drink, hands over the coin.