FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1761, 22 August 1885, Page 28

FUN AND FANCY.

—Thieving in the outskirts— picking ladies' pockets. — Give the miser a knowledge of mathematics, and he will cipher more. — " Raindrops on the roof." Of course it drops on the roof. That is what the roof is for.

— So close is the sympathy between night and day that after the one falls the other breaks. — Silence is not always golden. The oyster Is continually getting into broils and stews, and he is quiet enough. — "Rents are high this year," 6adly murmured the tramp, as he borrowed a pin with which to hold his coat-tails together.

— A person fond of the marvellous told an improbable story, adding, as was his wont, "Did you ever hear of that before?" "No, sir," said the other ; "pray did you ?"

When a woman tries to catch a ball she throws her arms wide apart, waits until the ball hits her on the nose, turns her hands with a windmill motion, runs after the ball, picks it up, brushes the hair out of her eyes, and smiles as though her way of doing it cannot be improved upon) — A farmer and his wife went into a dentist's. ** How much do you charge for fillin' teeth ?" asked the farmer.- "From 10s to £1." "And for pullin'?" "2s 6d." "Mariar," he said, turning to his wife, "you'd better get it pulled." —Little brother (whose sister is playing cards with a gentleman.) : "Mr Smiler, does Minnie play cards well?" Mr Smiler : " Yes, very well indeed." Little brother: " Then you had better look out ; mamma said if she played her cards well she would catch you. — An ambitious Galveston doctor was complaining about the ingratitude of the public towards the profession. He said, bitterly, " Statesmen, generals, artists, and scientists all get monuments erected to their memory, but who ever heard of a doctor having a monument ?" " Why, doctor, don't you count those monuments out in the churchyard? Don't they mean anything?" — While a man was dashing with all his might and main down Castle street to catch a train one day last week, a gamin rushed after him and shouted, " Hey, mister, have you got a pin ?" " I- have," responded the man, coming to a sudden halt and feeling under the lapel of his vest. " Well, then," yelled the boy, as he jumped out of the way, " you had better fasten your ears together behind your head so as you won't smash any awingin' signs with 'em." The pedestrian passed on unheedful of the advice given him.

— A Failure.— An uptown man and his wife agreed recently to learn a. verse of Scripture every evening, and repeat it to each other for mutual improvement. The first night, however, her quotation happened to be, " Am I not thy ruler ?" and his to the effect that he'd be hanged if she was ; and the only result of the plan so far has been that he has taken to drink, and exhibits a willingness to sleep in the woodshed at nights. •—Norwich Bulletin.

— They Agreed. — In a first-class compartment of the five o'clock Brighton express a testy old gentleman was sitting next to a young fellow who seemed to be in high spirits after something, and who beguiled the time first by whistling and then by humming softly to himself. The old gentleman was evidently annoyed, and became very irritable. At last, when his neighbour burst out with " I would I were a bird J" the old gentleman could forbear no longer,- and exclaimed excitedly, " I wish to goodness you were, young man ! Wouldn't I wring your neck !"

— His Notion of Economy. — "Now, Maria," remarked Simpkins, as he pulled off his boots last evening, " times is gittin' durned hard, an' we've got to economise. I guess you'd better try and get along without that new black dress you was talkin' about, and fix over your last winter's hat. 1 guess you can worry along that way all right. We've got to fix it somehow or other to cut down expenses, or I don't see how I am to buy cigars, an' as for whisky, why I don't get more'n four or five drinks a day as it is. Remember, Mark, wonomy is wealth.-— Oil City Bltosrd,