FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1751, 13 June 1885, Page 28

FUN AND FANCY.

• A tourist who was asked in what part of Switzerland he felt the heat most, repled : " When I wa-i going to Berne." —The following inscription is on a signboard on the banks of the Seine, at Billancourt : — " Angltrß l Rest," and underneath '.— -"Live fish for sale,"

—"Your goodness overpowers me," as a gentleman murmurod to the champagne, when ho couldn't rise from his chair.

— The breath of winter may ba cold, but it is not half so cold ao the glance of the young man you strike for the loan of half a soy.

— A reporter, in writing an account of a ball, said that the belle of the evening "looked au fait." The types put ifc that ohe " looked all feet." Now neither the lady nor the reportor is happy. — " Let go my ear 1" yelled a passenger on a West Derby tramoar yesterday. " I beg your pardon," said tho other man; "I thought I had hold of the strap." —Clergyman, with tender face, to a harddrinking barber who had just cut him: " There 1 you sea the effects of drink !" "Yes, oa-ah ; ifc makes the skin very tendah, sa-ah." —It is possible to tell the age of a cow by the wrinkles on her horns, but nature has provided no outward aigna by which the age of an egg can be computed. Break it gently. — There are many unpleasant things in this v..le of tears, but a collar .with a buttonhole large enough to stick your thumb through will cause you about as much trouble as the rest of them.

— " Would you not love to gaze on Niagara for ever ?" said a romantic young girl to her less romantic companion. " Oh, no," said ho, ""I shouldn't like to have a cataract always in my eye." —A Teasing Subject. —Fresh Clerk— That first I showed you, mum, was seventy-five, this is sixty five, this ia fifty, an' this is forty-five. Tea purohaser — all good teas, I suppose ? Fresh Clerk — Yes'in, all came out o' the same chest. Proprietor— He means they chest came, mum. —Consolation for Poverty.— lf you are poor there is one consolation— your hsirs will nnt go into crmrt to prove that you were an imbecile during your childhood, an idiot at the time of your marriage, and a lunatic for years before you died.

— Not His Custom. — An industrious tradesman, having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a very early hour on the firet morning, by calling out that thn family was sitting down to table. " Thank you," said the boy, aa he turned over in the bed, to adjust himself for a new nap ; " thank you, I uever eat anything during the night I " " Oh ! Mr 5,," said a young lady at a church fair, " I want your help for a moment. I have just sold a tidy for 15dol that cost fifteen cent?, and I want you to tell me what percentage that is." " A transaction of that kind, my dear Miss 8,," aaid Mr S,, who i 3 a lawyer, " gets out of percentage and into larceny," — Just as a lover had dropped on hio knees and began popping the question a pet poodle, who thought the proceedings rather strange, made a dash for him. With remarkable nerve for a woman, the girl reached over, Beiz9d the dog by tho neck, and afc the same timo calmly uttered, " Go on, Gootga dear, I'm listening to what you are saying." —He Counted the Days — " lam lonely, my darling, without you," wrote Smith to his abaent wife. " Oh, ao lonely ! and I count.the days until your return." Saveral hours later Smith met Jcneß, another grass widower, " Well, old boy," observed Jones, " let's go down to fcho seaside to-night, and have a quiet little time." "All right," replied Smith, "I've only pot five more days before the old hen gets back."

— An absent-minded professor, in going out of the gateway of his college, ran against a cow. In the confusion of the moment he raiaed his hat and exclaimed : "I beg your pardon, madam !" Soon after he stumbled against a lady in the street. In a sudden recollection of the former mishap he called out, with a look of rage on his countenance: "Is that you again, you brute?"

—"There is something that has preyed heavily on my mind ever since our engagement, dear," he said, " but I am almost afraid to tell you of it." " What is it, George?" the young woman asked anxiously. " "I am a somnambulist" "Oh, is that all?" she exclaimed.with a sigh of relief. " I have always bßon a U niversaliat myself, but of oourße when wa are made one I shall expect to attend your church." — London Timeß.

— Old Mr Squaggs waa somewhat irritable when he came down to breakfast; and when his wife reproved him for neglecting to tie up the dog before going to bod the previous night, he answered her rather snappishly. Then they had some words, and she said:— "Well, I'm sure I don't know how you expect we'll agree in the next world if we can't agree in this one." " Oh, we'll &gree well enough in the next world," fiaid Mr Squaggs, sarcastically; "we won't see much of each other there. The Bible says there's a- great gulf fixed between tha two places." Having said this the old gentleman caressed his bald head and snickered to himself. Mrs Squaprgs was thoughtful for a moment, then with a twinkle in her eye she said, "This i« the first I knowed of you havin' given up all hopes of going to Heaven." Tha conversation dropped.