Vurieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1161, 28 February 1874, Page 22

Vurieties.

Ginr/r-EDf}Ei) Patek. — Forged notes. An lu,-mui:i> Act.— Cheating your baker. Men* ok tuk Timk. — Chronometer makers. The Hasiitist Thing Out.— The measles. iMi'KCUiVious Animals.— Those who haven't a scent. Tiik jucsT RunsTmjTE ron Coai,.-— warm weather. A YES! 1 THAT SHOULD HE DOUIILEI). — TIIO harvest. How to Ruse Busts.— Tnko hold of the tops iinil pull An Imi'osstih.w RrtjuKsr.— To ask anyone to " stop a minute." A Good sermon is like a kiss— requires but two heads and an application. "Who was the straightest nian mentioned in the Bible ? Joseph— because Pharaoh made a ruler of him.

Tub chief lawyer of Turkey can never be a weak man, since every new law there is established by a Firnmn. A Ni.w Haven man says the longest funeral he ever heard of took place a week ago. His hired girl went off to it and isn't back yet. , An Irishman having been told that the price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed, " This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend."

Whes a Chicago girl quarrels with her lover, she communicates the important fact to her friends in the remark that she " isn't on squeezing terms with that fraud no more." OutiTOKD to do it. — A manufacturer has succeeded in malting such an improvement in manufacturing Britannia metal goods, that It .a eaid hs is obligod to warrant them not silver,

An liushman was asked if Lola Montez ever' smoked". "Yes, sir; she did," he exclaimed, "and so does every volcano. Perhaps you'll show me the lovely crater that don't smoke !"

" Keally, Mr. Johnston, there's nae end to your wit," said a lady in the west of Scotland to a noted humorist, " Gude forbid, madam," he replied, " that I should ever be at my wits-end! " The belle who originated the Grecian bend is stopping at Saratoga. Kemorse is painted on her once cheerful countenance. She says, though she bent so much, she never arrived at a sntisfartory beau. As editor in lYodevioksbnrg, Virginia, was asked by n stronger if it was possible that little town kopt up four newspapers, and the reply was, " No, It takes four newspapers to keep up the town." Quite Bight. — There used to be a good old general order in the British Navy, issued to all commanders, as regarded the propriety of engaging an enemy of superior force, " When in doubt, fight! "

"Have you Goldsmith's Greece?" was asked of a clerk in a store in which books and various miscellaneous articles were sold. " No," said the clerk, reflectively, " we haven't Goldsmith's Greece, but we have some splendid hair oil."

A Worthy old lady offers tlie following advice to girls : Whenever a fellow pops the question, don't blush and stare at your foot. Just throw your arm around his neck, look him full in the face, and commence talking about the furniture

A Gikl of the season comments thus on Mormonism •. " How absurd ! four or five wives to one man, when the fact is, each woman in these times ought to huve four or five husbanils. It would take about that number to support mo decently."

The last from Scoiland — Bailie Sawmun : "Of cporso. I want Wullie tohaeagnideddycation — in fiie, I'm tbinkin' o' sending him to the cecmelery Kothsay." Councillor Trott ; " The ceemetcry ? Ah, y'll he wantin' him to learn the dead languages, eh ?" B. S. (who does not see it) " Of coorse, of coorse ; deed and leevin'."

A Frenchman is an animated bottle of champagne ; a German is a meerschaum with mem vaterla nil eimraved upon it ; an Irishman is a> shillelah that wears the green ; an American is a jack-knife covered with interrogation points; a Chinaman is a pig-tail that loves his native country and — rats ; an Englishman is roast heel" with the Duke of Wellington at dinner. A Baptist paper in Ohio was sent for nine years to a subscriber who never paid a cent for it. 'Ihe other day the newspaper was returned to the patient and long-suffering publisher with the affecting note on its margin, " Gone to a better -world." The editor is a very pious man, but it is reported that his faith is terribly shaken in regard to the accuracy of the information. Pheckdency. — Two little girls of the city of Norwich— one the daughter of a wealthy brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune— disputing for precedency, " You are to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a coach."—" Very true, miss," said the other ; " and you are to consider that he likewise keeps a dray."

It is related of a Scottish lady in a remote part of the Highlands, noted for her profuse libcralitv. that being sometimes overburdened with habitual sorners," when any one of them outstaid Ms welcome, she would take occasion to say to him at the morning meal, with an arch look at the rest of the company, " Mak a good breakfast, Mr. , while you're about it ; ye dinna ken whaur yell get your dinner " The hint was usually taken, and the " sorner " departed. In Connecticut a certain magistrate was called to jail to liberate a worthless debtor. " Well, John," said the magistrate, on entering, " can you swear that you are not worth twenty dollars, and that you never will be ?" " Why " answered the other, ruther chagrined at the question, " I can swear that I am not worth that amount at present." " Well, well," returned the ma"istrate, "lean swrar the rest, so go along, John." And the man was sworn and discharged.

Duly QuAi/inr.n.— A young man, very ambitious in police promotion, was usked a few days since by the officer on duty at Scotland-yard how he would like the detective business.— " Fine— splendidly, sir."— "But have you any qualifications for the business ?" inquired the political official.— " Qualifications ! Well, I shoull think so," replied the embryo Vidocq in a confidential tone. — '■ What are they — shrewdness, sagacity, w hi\t?"—"Oh, no, sir— l've been a thief myself." Which was tiik Goose ?• - Young Lady (to Mr. Septimus Softington) : " Oh, Mr. Septimus ! It was too bad of you not to accept our invitation to dinner on Sunday. We only had a nasty piece of roast beaf 5 but if you had come, we should have had a noose!" (Mr. Septimus has, during the past week, stood in every position of the alphabet, in every corner of the room, on the two-pair back, with his liend on several sides at a time, trying to think whether it were possible that she could have meant anything personal.)

Tiik Cat out of the Bag. — Lord Chancellor Cran worth offered the lute Dean Alford, in 1855, a lucrative living in Cornwall, which lie declined, wishing to remain in or near London. After having made up his mind not to accept the living, he went to call on Lord Cran worth, to thank him. The result must be told in the Dean's own words. " When I asked to see his lordship, the servant said his mnster wor engaged. 1 then said, ' lam not come to ask for anything, but to refuse something offered.' "'Oh, air, then lam sure he villsoe you,' wwthp reply,"

'EXTRAORDINARY FEAT OF SEAMANSHIP.

An extraordinary feat of seamanship has been performed by Captain Moddrel, master of the ship Mindora, which has arrived safely in London, after a tempestuous voyage from San Francisco, during which she lost her rudder and steering-gear, and lay at the mercy of the wind and waves for 23 days. The Mindora is a wooden ship of 1000 tons register, and is owned by Messrs Stoddart Brothers of Liverpool. She left San Francisco in May, with a cargo of 1300 tons uf wheat, for Falmouth. All went well until the 23rd of July, when a heavy gale came on from the north, with a shift of the wind to W.S.W., and a heavy cross sea, which carried the rudder clean away. The vessel waa at that time in the vicinity of Cape Horn, and came in for the full force of the storms which prevailed in that region. Day after day she was driven about entirely at the mercy of the wind, all efforts to guide her course being ineffectual ; and in her damaged and crippled condition fears were constantly entertained lest she should founder. By skilful seamanship, however, she was kept afloat, and the construction of a jury rudder and false sternpost was proceeded with as quickly as possible. A rudder was ultimately made out of several of the spars, but as, with the chains and gear attached, it weighed about two tons and a half, great difficulty was experienced in getting it properly shipped, the first attempt nearly resulting in the stoving of the ship's side, owing to the heavy sea. At last, after twenty-three days of anxiety, the jury rudder was successfully shipped, being held in its place by stream chains and top-sail sheets, and the vessel was able to resume her course for home, reaching Falmouth on the 3rd of November. During the period that the Mindora was without rudder, she was driven some 500 miles out of her true course, which was JS". by E., and the course she actually made, when laid down upon the chart, assumes most fantastic and extraordinary forms, the vessel having been drifted in all possible directions from day to day. After the jury rudder had been brought into use her progress was very satisfactory, and on one occasion a distance of 180 miles was run in a day. The courage and perseverance of Captain Moddrel, under the trying circumstances in which she was placed, and his skill in navigating his vessel safely into port without assistance from other vessels, are worthy of all praise.