Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1024, 15 July 1871, Page 20

Varieties.

News from the Nursery. - The child who cried for .in hour one day lately, didn't get it. "Hayi: you much tisji in your bag?" asked a person of a fisherman. " Ye.s, there's a good eel in it,'" was the reply. "Which is at once the easiest and hardest of occupations 'i The musician's, for lie plays, when he works, and works when he plays. A Pi:t lap-dog having bitten a piece out of a man's l O n, the tender-heailed mistress exclaimed " Poor Ponto ! I hope it won't make him ill." A Lady, going to church ou Ash -Wednesday, finding her so.it already occupied, requested thepew-openei to remember, that although it was Ash-Wednesday, the pew was not Lent. "Why should more marriages take placo in winter than in summer? -Because in winter the gentlemen require comfortei s, and the Indies muffs. An old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, replied, "1 have done woise! 1 have suffered myself to be apprehended." " Vine day for the race," said a wag to a sporting friend one blight morning lately. "What l.ico?" anxiously inquired the friend. "Why, the human r.iee to be sure," was the reply. " Dear, dear," cried Mis. Paitington, " what a baibarous age we live in ! Why, 'twas only the other day ili.it a 'bus reductor pinted out to me a large edification where soldiers are quartered." Too Clever by Half !— Little Girl: "Oh, Aunty, Baby's mouth is so funm — it's just like voius before you get out of bed — no not one tooth !" " Mr. Jenkins," said a tradesman at Sydney to a recent arrival there, " will it suit you to settle that old account of yours V" "No, sir, you arc mistaken in the man," said Jenkins. "I am not one of the old settlers,"

_ A Frenchman took a room in Paris on condition that the landlady would wake him up every morning at eight o'clock, and toll him the day of the week, the state of the weather, and under what form of Government he lived. A clever repartee is attributed to the member from Mormondom in the new Congress. A brother member asked him how many wives he had. " Euough to keep me from running after other people's," he promptly replied. Why don't you give us a little Greek and Latin occasionally '! asked a country deacon of a, new minister. Why, do you understand those languages '!" was asked. '• £To ; but we pay for the best, and ought to have it." A Yankee thus winds up a notice to correspondents : "Id konolusion, fustly, we would sa to moste writers : Write often and publish seldum. Secundly, to sum wiiters: Write seldum and publish seldummer." " What is the reason tliat men never kiss r>ach other ,_ while the ladies waste a world of kisses on feminine faces ?" said a would-be gallant captain to a young lady. "Because the men have got something better to kiss, and the ladies haven't," was the rather cutting reply. "Father/ said a littlo fellow, apparently reflecting intently upon something, "I shan't'send you any nf my wedding cake when I get married." "Why not, my son?" was the fond fathei's inquiry. "Because," said the young hopeful, ''you didn't send me any of yours." A Musical Joke. — There lately appeared on the fiont of a house to let a ticket with the following intimation :—" To let, two flats ; apply to A. Sharp." An intending occupant of musical proclivities was overheard to say that he wished he knew where to find the key. Old George Holland, the recently deceased actor, when confined to his bed and unable to put bis feet to the ground, being told by a friend that his dignified indisposition was the laugh of the green-room, replied, "Though I love to laugh and make others laugh, yet I would much rather they would make me a standing joke." The Good Time.— A Scotchman who had biif'd himself to a farmer had a cheese set down before him that he might help himself. The master hnd occasion to remark some time afterwards-, "Sandy, you take a long time to breakfast."_ Tn truth, master," answered he " a cheeso o' this size is nae sac soon eaten as ye may think ! " Episcopal Witticism.— The following brilliant sally of wit took place one day at Dr. Wlmtely's dinner table, between him and the present Bishop of Cork, shortly after the consecration of the latter : "My Lord of Cork," said Archbishop Whately, " you stop the bottle." "If I do," replied John of Cork, " I ought to be .screwed;"' A New South Wales colonist lesorted to the ingenious device of putting a living fly in the mouth of .i dead man, and then guiding his hand to tiace his signature to the writing that purported to be the will of the deceased peiaon. Upon the trial he swore, with audacious assurance, "that he saw the testator sign the will with his own hand whilst life was in liim." A cobbler was furnished by a classical acquaintance with a motto for his shop- "Mens eon.soia recti." A brother Crispin on the opposite side of the street, attributing ins neighbor's success to his motto, consulted a friend, and was advised to write up, " Men's and Women's cun^cia recti," which sage advico he took, but with what success is not recorded. i)u. Dolichus was a stiff Tory, and always drove splendid cattle. One day one of his toughest political opponents, pi aising his team, asked the doctor not to think the less of his praise of the horses because he might think little of his opinion in regard to politics. " Most certainly not," replied the doctor, "I always thought you knew much more about horses than about politics." A Story is told of Sir Thomas Waldo, who, on leaving the house of a noble duke where he had dined, contributed to the insolence and covetousness of a train of servants who lined the hall. Upon placing a crown in the hands of the cook the man returned it, saying, " I don't take silver." " Don't you ?" said the baronet ; " then I don't give gold," and returned the five shillings to his pur^e. Weak Broth.— Joe King was ill in a lodginghouse, and made his mind up for some chicken broth. The order went down into the kitchen, and the broth came up weak, flat, and insipid. The sick man was .subsequently relating his disappointment to a friend, who said, "They just let a chicken wade through It." — " Jf they did," said Joe faintly; "it had stilts on." He recovered. Sir William Davenant, the poet, who had no no.se, passing along a street in London one day a beggar-woman followed him, crying, " Ah, Heaven preserve your eyesight, sir !—-the! — -the Lord presei ye your eyesight !" " Why, good woman," said he, " dost thou pray so much for my eye siffht?" " Ah, dear sir," answered the women, "if it should please God tli.it you grow dimsighted, you have no place to hang your spectacles on." A Lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman how it happened that the Scots who left their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained athome. ''Ob, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that for the honour of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." " Then," said she " I suppose your loulship was smuggled over theBorder." An anecdote is related, illustrative of the slyness of the Bohemians, compared with the simple honesty of the Germans, and the candid unscrupulousness of the Hungarians. In wnr time three soldiers, one each of these three nations, met iv a parlour of an inn, over the chimney piece of which hung a watch. When they bad gone, the German .said, "That was a good watch; I wish I had bought it." — "lam sorry I did not take it," .said the Hungarian. " I have it in my pocket," .said the Bohemian. It was the habit of Lord Eldon, when AttorneyGeneral, to close his speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of Home Tookc speaking of his own reputation, he said : " It is the only inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will leave it unimpaired.'' Hero he shed tears, and to the astonishment of those present, Mitfonl, the Solicitor-General began to weep. " Just you look at Mitford," said a bystander to Home Tooke : " what on earth is he crying for '! " Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a small inheritance Eldon's cliildien are likely tv get."