Varities.

Otago Witness, Issue 988, 5 November 1870, Page 20

Varities.

'Tis ever sew, as the seamstress said. The Union Paoifio. — A quiet marriage. Wrong Impkessions. — Errata in books.

Bt a Brutb of a Bachelor.— Food for powder — Babies.

What is that which ties two persons, but only touches one ? — A wedding ring. •HWhat man wants—all he can get. What a woman wants—all she can't get. Pleading at the Bab. — Begging for a drink.

Love has been denned as an insane desire to maintain somebody else's daughter. Wht is Indian corn the best thing to keep starvation at bay ? — Because one can always make a good meal of it.

Use of the Birch. — A writer on school discipline says, " Without a liberal use of the rod, it is impossible to make boys smart." A sailob, unaccustomed to society, said to his partner, after a waltz, " Let me take you back to your supercargo." Summing Him Up. — An accountant reminds one of a cucumber-frame — constantly engaged in " bringing forward.'*

Dealing. — In a game of cards a good deal depends on good playing, and good playing on a good deal.

A Yankee on being asked what he should do if he were banished to the woods, replied that he thought he should split. Josh Billings says he will never patronise a lottery so long as he can hire anybody else to rob him at reasonable wages. An old stock-raiser says : "If I had a mule that wouldn't either kick or bite, I'd watch him dreadful close to see where bis malice did lay."

One of the Chicago editors, who probably knows, says " the next thing to being a hog, the most exasperating thing is to be called a hog."

" Wheneveb," says Madame de Stael, " I see Mr. 8., I feel the same pleasure that I receive from looking at a fond couple j he and his self-love live so happily together."

A box's idea of having a tooth drawn may be summed up as follows :— " The doctor bitched fast on me, pulled his best, and just before it killed me the tooth came out."

Too Quickly, in rAOT.—Time goes on quickly enough, without the application of "the spur of the moment," to hasten the pace ?

Mimtakt Cricket.— We see by the papers that the "Ist Bat." of the Scotch Fusilier Guards is at present in Dublin. Where's the second ?

A "Virginian has a useless suit of store clothes in which he wa« to hare been married the other day. The lady recollected, at the last moment, that she liked another fellow better, and eloped. It is said of a distinguished member of the bar, who, at the beginning of his practice, secured the acquittal of a client for stealing a cow, when told that bis kindness could never be repaid, as the defendant was very poor, replied, " Oh, I'll let him off easy— Til take the cow."

In a little town out westTa lady teacher was exercising a class of juveniles in mental arithmetic. She commenced the question, "If you buy a cow for ten dollars " when up came a little hand. "What is it Johnny ?'• « Why, you can't buy no kind of a cow for ten dollars ; father sold one for sixty dollars the other day, and she was a regular old scrub at that."

A gentleman who was very zealous on the subject of horses, but not according to knowledge, bought a mare at auction, and rode her home. " Well, Caesar," said he to his sabla coachman, " what do you think of her. She cost me five hundred dollars." "Dunno, massa." "Yes, but what do you think?" " Well, massa, it makes me tank of what the preacher said yesterday — something about 'Ms money is soon parted.' I disremember the fust part I" Getting out op a Sceape.— A lawyer "who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the cause of an offender, began by saying, " I know the prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character of being a most con* summate and imprudent scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his client, when he immediately continued, " But what great and good man evar lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries." A New Power iw Aghicdltoeb. — A "steep" story is given in the Augusta (Georgia) Chronicle, to the effect that a planter near Midway, in South Carolina, has cultivated nis entire farm this year, so far as ploughing is concerned, with an . alligator. This domesticated silurian is described as being unusually large, weighing about 3501b., and being perfectly docile. He is reported as working splendidly in plough harness, and being far superior to mules or horses. His only failing is a difficulty he has to repress the natural penchant for having a little nigger for dinner, a circumstance that may save the race of alligators generally from being broken to harness,

An amusing incident in the House of Commons is noticed by a London correspondent. The House was discussing the civil service estimates, and in the vote for mining inspectors there was an item for "clerical assistance." Thereupon Mr. Muntz, of Birmingham, rose' and objected. He did not, b,e said, know that £he mining inspectors were such very wicked people tha.t they required clergymen, to be kept to took specially after their spiritual condition. The House roared, and the honorable member himself joined as heartily as any one in the laugh when some of his friends near him explained that by "clerical assistance" was meant the assistance at clerks, and not o| idergyxaWf _^