Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 802, 13 April 1867, Page 17

Varieties.

Wht is a windy orator like a whale ?—? — Because it often rises to »pont.- .<. - What town in Ireland is like an a^s ?—? — Bray. Wha.t is the difference between your great coat and a baby ? — One you wear, the other you was. An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stupe through torrens of ruin, the gentleman said to Paddy, •' Are you nor, very wet ?" " Arrah ! I don't care about l%ing wet '; but plase, yer honor, I'm very dry." " "Why, Charley," said a Yankee to a negro preacher, " you can't tven tell me who made the Konlrey." " Ob, yes I can, mapsa." "Well, who made the monkey?" "Why, massa, the Fame one made the monkey that made you !" "I wish I knew how to mike the next three months pass quirk," a great grouse-kiiler once observed to a fri'-nd on, the 12th ef May. " I'll tell you," replied the other grimly. '• Do as I've done, accept a bill for a thouB and." At one of the schonla in Cornwall, the inspector asked the children if they could quote any text of Scripture which forbade a mnn having two wives. One of the childien sagely quoted, in reply, the text, "No man can serve two masters." ■ A schoolboy going out of the play-crcund without leave, one of the masters called afrer him andinquired where he was going. "I am gQing to buy a ha'porth o' nails." " Whit do you want a ha'porth o' nails for ?" " For a halfpenny," replied the youngster. "Did any of you ever see an elephant's akin ?" asked the master of an infant echcol in a tast neighborhood. " I have," shouted a six-year old, at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles, amused by his parnestneß?. "On the elephant 1" was the reply. Theiib is a piece of literary gossip to the effect that the attention of Carlyle was once called to the brilliancy of the starry heavens. "Eh, it is a sad Bight I" he said ; an awfu' ■waste ot space if they are not inhab ted, a«>d an awfu' tcope for misery and failure if they are." I Where it Came From. — A lady, whose iondneas for generous living had given her a flushed face aad rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon suiveying herself in the glass, ehe exclaimed, *' Where, in the name of wonder, did I get such a noae as this?" "Out of the dec:mter, madam," replied the doctor. There is a capita story in one of the late A. H. Plough's letters. " Did I tell you," he ■writes, '* of the aged Calvinist woman, who, being asked about the TJniversalists, Baid, ♦Yes, they expect thst every hody will be saved ; but we look for better things.' " Gardening for Ladies. — Make your beds early in ihe morning ; sew buttons on your husband's shirts ; do pot take up any grievances ; protect the young and tender branches of your family ; plant a smile of good temper in. your face ; carefully root out all angry ' feelings, and expect a good crop of happiness. ' Over-Eating. — A celebrated physician inquiring of a person who was remarkable for the health he <?nj »yed at an advanced period of his life, whit r gimen he followed, was answered — •' I make but one ratal a-day." ( 11 Keep your secret," said the phybician ; ''if you publish it to the world, you will ut'.erly ruin the practice of mtdicine."