Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 747, 24 March 1866, Page 16

Varieties.

" Good blood will show itself," as the old maid said, struck by the redness of her own nO3&. The husband who devoured his wife with kisses found afterwards that she disagreed with him. Ak Extraordinary Fjbat. — A man winding himself into a lady's favour. Railwat guard* and engine-drivers are said lo be the least presuming of any class of the community, since, no matter how far they are allowed to go, they never forget their station. Sohb one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. " More,'' replied the actress — " it gives breath." A Scottish advocate who, in his broad Scotch, pronounced the word water scatter, being asked in cout t by the Chancellor if he spelled watter with two t's, replied, " No, ray lord ; but I spell manners with two n's." Mr. Adam Black was lately unpopular witfc his consti.uency in Edinburgh, which gave rise to a respectable joke. " What can have caused Adam's Fall 1" asked one constituent. "The Eve of an election," was the reply. Growing Old. — A person who looked at the w>rld in somewhat gloomy colours, once complained in Auber's presence how hard it was that people must grow old. " Hard as it is," replied! the veteran composer, "it seems to me the only means yet discovered of enjoying long life.' 1 Mr. Adam Smith, hearing his servant complain of a pain in his back, said to him, "The pain, John, is not in your back-— it is in your mind." — " 'Deed, sir," replied John, " gif ye'il tak' it out o' ma back and put it in ma mind, I'aa be singularly obleeged to ye." Ah old Dutch tavern- keeper had his Ihird wife, and belug asked his views of matrimony, replied, ''Veil, den, you see, de first time I marries for love — dat was goot ; then I marries for beauty— dat wash goot too; but dig time I marries for monish — and dis is petter as poth." A good-xatxjreb fellow, who was nearly eaten out of house and home by the constant visits of his friends, was one day complaining bitterly of his numerous visitors. " Snure, and I'll tell you how to get rid of 'em,'' said an Irishman. " Pray, How ?" " L ; nd money to the poor ones, and borrow money of the Tich ones, and nather sort will ever trouble you agin." Says Giles—" My wife and I are two, Yet faith, I know not why, sir." Quoth Jack — " You're ten, if I speak true : SLe's one, and you're a cipher." At the battle of Meanee an officer of Engineers, who had been doing good service, came up to Sir Charles Napier and said, " Sir Charles, we have taken a standard " The General looked at him, but made no reply, and, turning round, began speaking to some one else ; upon which the engineer, thinking that he had not been heard, repeated, "Sir Charles, we have taken a standard." Sir Charles turned sharp round upon him, with a thundering expletive, and said, " Them go and take another ! " A clergyman called on a poor parishioner, whom he found bitterly lamenting the loss of aa only son, a boy of about four or five years old. In the hope of consoling the afflicted woman, he remarked to her that "one so young could not have committed any grievous sin ; and that no doubt the child was gone to heaven." — " Ah, sir," said the simple-hearted creature, " but Tommy was so shy— and they are all strangers there V When Nelson visited the Royal Naval Hospital at Yarmouth, after the battle of Copenhagen, he went round the wards, stopped at every bed, and said something kind and cheering. At length he stopped opposite to a bed on which was lying a siilor who had lost his right arm closp to the shoulder joint, when the following short dialogue ensued : — " Well, Jack, what's the matter with you?" — "Lost my right arm, your honour.'* Nelson paused, looked down at his empty sleeve, then at the sailor, and said, playfully, "Well Jack, then you and I are spoiled for fishermen cheer up, my brave fellow." When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to George 11. as proper to fill a place of great trust", but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The Council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of office for the king's signature. Not to incense His Majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name His Majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.* " With the devil's !" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "Anu shall the instrument,'* said the earl, coolly, " run as usual, ' Our trusty and well-I.eloved cousin and counsellor?'" — a repartee at which the king lauahed heartilj, and with great goetl humour signed the grant.