Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 549, 7 June 1862, Page 7

Varieties.

What pnrt of a fish weighs most ? The scales. " There's nothing like leather," is an old sayin^ and true. It is the sole support of man. ° Did you ever know a speaker promise " only-a few woms, ' an 1 not utter a, great many ! Why are teeth like verbs ? They are regular, irregular, and defective.

If a bear were to go iuto a linen draper's shop what would he want? lie would want uiuzzHa' What part of a fish is like the end of a bock ! The fin-is.

Why is an eeg like a horse 1 Because it is not useable till broken.

When.a woman wishes to be very affectionate to her lover, she calls him a "naughty man." If a lady yawns half-a-dozen times iv succession, a young man may get his hat. \\ hat description of fowl did Lord Elgin's carriage resemble when he entered Pekin? Why it was°a coach-in-Olu'iit.

If the Warrior were to smash La Gloire, why would it put an end to tlie peace ? Because it would bre^k up a long friendship (French ship). " My dear," said a gentleman to a young lady, to whom he thought, to be married, '• do you intend to make a fool of me ?" "No," replied the laVly, " nature has saved me the trouble."

" Wlrtf h the reason of a blow leaving a blue mark after it ?-V aslced an inquiring young gentleman. " It's easily accounted fur," answered a medical student, " for you km'iw that blow in the perfect makes blew." A countryman recently came to town to purchase an article of household furniture, and, in passing a nwsic^ shop, observed, "All sorts of wind instruments for sale her?." He forthwith stepped in aud asked for a nair of bellows.

" I was once,'' said Theodore Hook, " shored about in Cheap&ide in the most remorseless manner; my right eye had a narrow escape of being poked out by the tray of a brawny butcher's boy, who, when I civilly remonstrated, turned round and said, ' Vy, I say, who are you, I wonder, who is so particular about your hysiglu V " If a cmnibal were to eat a young lady, by what word would he express, his delight % Gladiator (clad I ate her).

Why is the circulation of the blood sometimes suspended I— Because it attempts to circulate in vein.

A schoolmaster in Ireland advertises that he will keep a Sunday school twice a week— on Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Why should physicians have a greater horror of the sea than anybody else 1 Because they are more liable «io sea sickness. Why was Kin? Canute, during that memorable " sensation" scene on the sea shore, like a custom liouse oflioer ? Because he was a tide waiter. "Sir," said a confirmed offender to his friend, •'why is a ship's cable like a roadside berry ?" " Howshould I know 1 Go on." " Because it's a haw, said" (hawser). < ' Haw ] haw ! haw !" said the sufferer.

" "Will you take a pinch V said an acquaintance, offering his snuff box to a fishmonger. "No, I thank you," replied the latter, " I have just had one from a large lobster." The Fair Sex.— Why are ladies the biggestthieves in existence ! Because they steel the petticoats, bone the stays, and crib the babies. Pat's Description of a Fiddle.— lt was the >shape of a turkey and the size of a goose. He turned it over on its hack and rubbed its belly with a stick and, och ! St. Patrick 1 how it did squale ! What King of England made beef-tea wholesome 1 Kiug Henry, when he dissolved the pope's bull. As thorns are to the rose, so are pins to women ; a female in full dress is never unprotected. When a young man is tied to the apron-strings of a young woman, he is in danger of being misguided. _ Why is it impossible for a person who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies 1 He takes every miss for a myth. Which of the English monarchs had most reason to complain of his lauudress % John, when liis baggage was lost in the Wash.

_ A debtor, severely questioned as to. the reason of his not paying a just debt, replied " Solomon was a very wise man, and Sampson a very strong one, but neither of them could pay their debts without money." Milton Saylor, an Ohio orator, as yet, in the rough, but full of talent, said of Andrew Jackson, in a recent speech, " There was more in the wave of the feather of his old cap, than there is in a dozen proclamations of our generals of to-day." A saddler at Oxford, having once forgotten to which of his customers he had sold a saddle, desired his clerk to chaa-ge it in the bills of all his customers, and he afterwards acknowledged that two and thirty of them paid for it.

A bailiff, calling at the house of a distressed quaker to serve a writ, was refused admittance. He said to the servant, " Your master is at home, but will not see me." "He has seen thee, friend," said the Abigail, " but does not like thy appearance." Dr. Lettsom. — This famous physician was oace quizzed rather neatly in a depreciatory epigntm thus— " I bleeds, I purges, and I sweats 'em And if they choose to die, I. Lettsom." The upsetting of a gig was the occasion of Washington's being born in the United States, and the subsequent establishment of the national independence ; an error of the miner in sinking a well led to the discovery of Herculanem, with all its magnificent treasures of ancient art ; and a blunder o*f nautical adventurers resulted in the discovery of the island of Madeira, with all those delicious wines. — American Paper.

"Madame," said a conductor a day or two since, " your boy cannot pass at half faro ; lie's too large." " He may ha too large now," replied the vroman, who "had paid for a half ticket, " but he was small enough when we started.'' The train had been all night at a by station.

" I say, Pat," said a Yankee, "why don't you sue that railway company for damages you hay« rereceived ? Both of your legs broken all to smash; sue them for damnges." "Sue them for damages, eh, boy ? I have damages enough already ; Buothem for repairs."

woman's mind. Dust is lighter than a feather, And the wind more light than either, But a woman's fickle mind, I find. Lighter than feather, dust, or wind.