THE COMMON ROUND

Otago Daily Times, Issue 22709, 23 October 1935, Page 2

THE COMMON ROUND

By Wayfarer.

From Cojur d'Alene, Idaho, a plaintive cvy rings across the Pacific: — Who can tell us the mysteries of the heard? Why are sonic races bearded, and others almost beardless? Why can some men grow heavy moustaches and thin beards, but hardly any hair on the cheeks? Also, how account for different dispositions of hair on mens faces? Wliy can some men grow beards five feet long, and others beards only two inches long? Why do moustache and beard usually turn grey before the hair does (like an old dog's muzzle) ? Why does a man twirl his moustache or fondle his beard? Why are colours of hair and beard different? Why are many heavily-bearded men bald, and many men with thick hair scantily bearded? Why does a bearded man seldom or never lose his beard through baldness? Finally, why is a beard? (Don't reply facetiously) .—Charles H. It seems to sum up adequately our own opinions on the subject, or indeed anticipates them. So far from treating with levity a problem of such honourable (we might even say moss-grown) antiquity, we have taken the opportunity to make an authoritative investigation. Kesearch on the part of a staff of experienced old shavers produces the following elucidation : Q.: Who can tell us the mysteries of the beard?—A.: Old grandad "Wayfarer." Q.: Why are some races bearded, and others almost beardless? —A.: In certain types of race (e.g., the Hurdle Race) competitors have found beards an impediment to fleetness, since the flowing locks tend to become tangled in the hurdles and to trip up the contestants. In other races, however (e.g., the Wheelbarrow Race), a beard presents no encumbrance, since it may be accommodated in the wheelbarrow. Q.: How account for the different dispositions of hair on men's faces? — A.: It is a question of how they are disposed. For example, some men prefer a little tuft on the chin only Ithis prevents soup from dribbling down the neck, but does not, as would a drooping moustache, strain from it the vegetable content and sippets to which they are partial. Some others, however, declare that chin-tufta get their goatee, and favour instead that form of extraneous facial decoration of the epidermis known as the Dundreary or Side-Burn; Side-Burns have the advantage in colder countries, that the luxuriant strands may be coiled_ over the ears or tied under_ the chin in winter time, thus obviating the necessity for a muffler. Q.: Why can some men grow beards five feet long, and others beards only two inches long?—A.: The reason is matrimonial; i.e., married men arc usually not permitted to have beards after 8 a.m.' —and if their wives go on holiday usually have time to grow only two inches of stubble ere the immineut return of the spouse sends them to a barber; bachelors, on the other hand, frequently grow beards some feet in length (a) because they can if they like; (b) because a certain insurance i 9 thereby provided against marriage, barber's rash, and other pests of civilisation, since very few ladies prefer beards, blonde or otherwise. At this point a slight aside may be permitted, namely to remark that the infrequency of bearded politicians is due to a special cause, not enumerated above. Bachelors as a race are reticent, hence the chin wags seldom, and the weight of a five-foot beard is of no consequence; but the reverse is true of politicians, who chin-wag incessantly and are fearful that a beard might add weight to their words. Considering the usual nature of their words, this would be obviously undesirable, or even ludicrous. The other questions of our interrogation may be briefly disposed of:— Q.: Why do moustache and beard usually turn grey before the hair does (like old dogs muzzles) ?—A.: Because, as has been demonstrated, only gay old dogs (see bachelor) are allowed to wear them. Q.: ' Why does a man twirl his moustache or fondle his beard? —A.: To keep the moths out. Q,: Why are colours of hair and beard different? —A.: Old beavers seldom dye, they merely fides iwiy-ee. Q.: Finally, why is a beard? —A.: Why- not? It should perhaps be mentioned here, as relevant to our commentary, that recent Shakespearean research points to the fact that the real reason for Hamlet's curious mental state was just such a harassing problem as those which have beset our Idaho correspondent. This conclusion has been arrived at by scholars through a new reading of certain well-known lines, which are now generally interpreted thus: " To beaver or not to beaver, that is the question." (See "A New Interpretation of Hamlet in the Light of a Tallow Beard," by M'Whisker, also " Beards and How to ffcear Them," by " The Reluctant Spinster.") We need not, perhaps, remind our correspondent that Hamlet came to a nasty end through asking too many questions. Speaking more generally, we should remark that the whole subject of beards is one of extreme fascination but considerable conjecture. For instance, scientists have through the ages been seeking an explanation of the fact that oysters are bearded, while their natural concomitant, stout, is not. The only logical answer appears to be that oysters are rarely stout. Almost as frequently one hears, in scientific circles, the query: " Why is it that a goat has a beard but not its butt?" The problem, our scholarly readers may recall, was first clearly postulated by Homer in his " Ode to a Grecian Churn," wherein he remarks: " 'Tis strange that the bearded goat gives us butter butter better butter than butter is the bearded goat that butts." It is an interesting field for speculation butt —er, perhaps enough has been said. A clear statement of the whole position is to be found in a ruling handed down in May of last year in the Federal Court of the United States by Judge J. M. Woolsey. The case was one in which the House of David, a religious sect in California which operates an amusement park, a summer resort and three bearded baseball teams, sought to restrain a rival baseball promoter from touring a team whose members not only wore beards but had " House of David " inscribed on their shirts. Judge Woolsey ruled : From time immemorial . . .beards have been in the public domain. In respect of matters within that domain all men have rights in common. Any man, therefore, if so minded, may—without being subject to any challenge, legal or equitable—not only grow such beard as he can, but purposely imitate another's facial shrubbery—even to the extent of following such topiary modification thereof as may have caught his fancy. . . . This decision should be welcomed by nature-lovers who, through dwelling in flats, have been unable to lay out such ornamental gardens as ihay may have fancied. Any American housewife, as a consequence of this enlightened ruling, will be able to prune and clip a fertile and arable pasture of small dimensions to her heart's content, the only necessary objects being a pair of shears and a complaisant bearded husband. Unfortunately the question has not yet been tested in the New Zealand courts, with tne result that avoidable indignities have been suffered. We need only men tion the case of Mr ("Whiskers") Blake, who has had not only to accept the challenge offered to his beard by other wrestling contestants, but lias been on the mat because of it. Until the New Zealand Supreme Court reviews the matter, we feel therefore a

duty to warn readers not to accept Judge Woolsey's ruling as applying in this Dominion. While public domains in New Zealand are undoubtedly provided that the people may perambulate, play cricket or throw orange peel'in them, it would be a mistake to treat beards as such, since some possessors of them are of powerful physique and might object to having their faces walked on. Moreover, in furtherance of the splendid activities of the New Zealand Bird Protection Society, it might be more desirable that beards should be declared not public domains, but sanctuaries for such of our feathered friends as are reputed to like building their nests in them. The Four L Syndicate, of Anderson's Bay, are winners of £IO,OOO in a sweepstake; their ticket received its name from the initials of the purchasers, Lottie, Lilian, Leonard and Lincoln. I have a nice nature, I have no jealous instincts, but I m thinkin' _ „. I wouldn't mind being Lottie, Lilian, Leonard or Lincoln. Though I work hard Nearly all day, there's some time left I a like to All In With Leonard, Lottie, Lincoln, and Lilian. Gambling is a mug's game, You'll agree, but to risk a few bob perhaps Is not so dotty, If you're Lincoln, Lilian, Leonard, or Lottie. And while I'm no poet, I might become an author if I thought my pen'd Cheque up as profitably as the pen of Lottie, Lincoln, Lilian, and Leonard. Pilot O'Hara, the latest transtasman flyer, as significantly reported in a telegraph message from Auckland: — . . . Away in the distance I could see the haze of Auckland's lights and then saw the township. I went in over the township, but when I got there I found myself flying blind again. . . . Some years ago (a correspondent comments) a prominent citizen of Auckland spoke of Dunedin as a fishing village. I think we are now " all square." From a contributor: — Dear " Wayfarer,"—A conundrum which at present has currency in the North Island: Why is the Democrat Party like Twilight Sleep?—Because it is an aid to Labour. Our own gyne-political observations have led us to the opinion that many people have found the Democrat Party hard to bear.