THAT QUESTION OF OBEDIENCE

Otago Daily Times, Issue 22630, 23 July 1935, Page 15

THAT QUESTION OF OBEDIENCE

“ I don't want an obedient child. declared a voung and intelligent mother when the talk turned on children (says the Ladies’ Home Journal). “Of course, I want my child to be disciplined, but if he gets into the habit of obeying me, and doing only what he is told, how is he ever going to learn to think for himself? ” What does the word obedience suggest? There is in the word always the sense of master and servant, never that of equal- “ Oh, but,” someone says, “ that is the reason it is necessary for children to be obedient. They are too inexperienced not to need the direction of their parents. For the sake of safety alone it is imperative that they should follow commands.” This implies that unless the Arguseyed parent is always on the watch, a child will invariably pick out the bad or harmful. But what if, instead of pointing out to a child what he should do, we tried to find a way of getting him to select the right thing? Insistence on what we demand means either increasingly unthoughtful dopility. or smothered fires of rebellion which will flare up sometime.

We certainly want our children to be self-starters—then we must avoid pushing them into this behaviour or that. Using initiative demands the making- of choices. How about the occasions when no choice is possible? AVhen the child must go to bed, or eat his dinner, or go to the toilet? Be very careful on those occasions not to suggest or imply a choice. I have heard mothers say, “Do you want to go to the toilet ?” —a question practically sure to bring the answer, “ No! ” What other answer could we conceivably expect? Whereas “Time to go to the toilet! ’’ has in it no suggestion of domination by the adult, only a reminder of our reliance on the clock. There are times when danger threatens or when other exigencies demand prompt and immediate obedience. Unless the signal or tone that has been agreed upon as being an imperative summons is used only on those rare occasions, l its power to bring a response will disappear.

der parents try to exact obedience, when they see where the untrammeled, impetuous desires of the child who is “expressing” himself lead! Wild, unruly, misdirected impulses are not “ self-expres-sion.” Such a terra implies the use of one’s abilities fruitfully, and so children must recognise the laws of behaviour that govern people who would live happily together. How can we be reasonably sure that our children are learning habits of action that contribute to a wholesome crowth of self-discipline? Perhaps it will be a help to suggest a few rules, built on sound psychological principles. 1. Let’s remember, in the first place, that the things we are interested in having our child do are not primarily the ones he’s interested in. Dressing, eating, going to bod are all lacking in thrill. If, then, we must separate children from an interesting activity, let’s practise tactful technique in bringing it about. AVe do it with adults; why question taking such a course with children, who have less understanding? So the first rule is, “ Use tact.” 2. Next conies reasonability. Unless we can make a thing seem reasonable to a child, it is no ( more use to expect his cooperation than it would be to expect that of an adult under the same circumstances. (We wouldn’t even try, would we?) Explanations, when possible, bring about a sympathetic relationship, and pave the way for quick compliance when there is not time for them.

3. Many of us defeat our own purpose by giving our children too many directions. Arranging as simple an environment as possible, and then letting the child pretty much alone, will mean less risk of wrong responses creeping in. Young children are so curious and eager to explore, that to keep them much of the time in a living room with many knick-knacks is inviting trouble. If. on the other hand, a child can enjoy great freedom in a simply furnished room of his own, it won’t be asking too much to expect him to curb his desire to things when he is in the living room. If we ignore many minor faults and mistakes, we shall not so easily get into the habit of faultfinding and nagging. 4. Encouragement of the child’s good responses is much more important to his learning than is blame when he has done wrong. However much unhappy experiences teach children, pleasant ones teach them more.

5. Of course, it is easier to tell children what to do, or even to make them do this or that, than to figure out a way of getting them to want to do the thing because they can see for themselves it is desirable. But we have failed, a« far as habit training goes, when we insist on the child’s doing something unless we have succeeded in making him want to do it.

6. Parents who can agree on ways of handling their children will find their problems diminished by about half. The plan of guidance, rather than of command, forces parents to use every last bit of intelligence and ingenuity. In the long run, however, such effort saves us —and our children —emotional strain. We can, for example, say to Enid: “No. you are not to buy that dress. It will soil too easily, and it will take a lot of pressing to keep it in condition.” Enid will probably feel sulky and think that we take pleasure in thwarting her desires. But if we give her Ahe advantage of our experience, and then let her go ahead and make her own decision, press the wrinkled dress practically every time she wears it, and pay for its frequent cleanings out of her own allowance, we have actually helped her, because she is responsible for the results. But surely things can’t always be left to the child. What about the times when you’ve tried to be reasonable, and co-operative, and understanding of the child’s point of view, and he persists in igrong doing? Of course, people get punishment, all through life. As they grow older, though, much of the “ punishment takes the form of results of their folly or stupidity. Whenever ..this rule of “logical results” can be applied to the behaviour of the child, it will lead him to a more thoughtful view of his conduct. While wfe cannot entirely do away with the personal element when it comes to disciplining our childrn, we can ask ourselves thjs question: l “Are my methods such that my child gradually needs less discipline from without, because he is developing higher and more, thoughtful standards of conduct within himself, which to a greater and greater degree control his behaviour?