EXTINGUISHING A SCORCHER.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 10604, 5 November 1910, Page 1 (Supplement)

EXTINGUISHING A SCORCHER.

(By George Fitch.)

Tu be"in Wlill > * will contess iliat * ~ toward about automobiles'. I am aB f 'like some people. l''or me there is "limit I don't mind turning corners *.. lff . u 's or going over thaiik-ye-niarns t seventy miles an'hour, or landing in 1 rd"c tenco onco in a while because a m-ichinc doesn't happen to be quite as • hie about turning corners as a. coun- ""•" road Every man' who rides with l\l demented class'has to get used to •1 sc things, and 1 can endure them. I ,t when it comes to racing two miles it- tin- privilogo of slipping slantwise ru <i a i rack in front ot ti locomotive s\)i" ;IS tno sen ' or pyramid, or wlioop"S, 7 past a blind street corner, top fid tnistiii" to luck that some other Mioi I s " t whooping down the side street t (Ik, >aine time; or yanking on the y,„]i on a long, down grade on tho hcorv that if you meet anything it is , t ;,j he going faster than tho other i hli,\v—well, all tliese my dead

1 know I'm a .coward, but I can't i. e lp it. It makes me teel creepy to fcriiiich over live things, too, and when '• t tln children come running out on to liic street in front of a machine! —I shut l j v ' eves. Oh, I'm no real auto fiend! \'o racing car tor me. Give inc a nice, ruiiifurtaMe, touring car, 1912 model—.|yv oiiL'ht to have tho 1912 models out this month —built to make thirty on the boulevards and sound like fifteen, 'lid I don't ask another thing. " cjteeplcrhasiiig in a gasolino go-devil ■.,J't n,y Hue. I avoid tho record nianJlers: and if 1 cna't avoid them, I make then' mad so they will avoid me. That's irhat Junes and I did at Banbury. It's h ee n six months since he has asked us to ride—six months of peace and safety. What's more, he will never ask us again. jj e is afraid if he does we will ask him to ride in our motor boat—there! Blamed if 1 didn't hoist the curtain ff ],'ile the scene setters, were still on the stage. . To l)'"'i;iii again, I don t own. a car. You've guessed as much. People who ( o , vn cars have some -defence. They r j'(] c . iu their own worry-wagons instead df'jiotiing abducted by goggled galoots irhu iind » lioly joy in trying to punch holes in the horizon. But people who don't have cars have friends who own thfin. and they are for ever getting taken home via some point seventeen miles in the opposite direction. That w s Jianbury's style. He was a friend (,{ mine who lived next door. It's three miles from down-town to our place, and threo times a week Banbury used to drive up in his two-ton terrifier and say. "Jump in." That used to make me mad in itself. There was something ahout Banbury's •Jump in" that made me boil. It was to hypnotic. I didn't want to jump. Iliad a great desire to tell the man to take his car and drive it off tho first ligh spot ho could find. But while I was figuring out just how to insult him ritlioiic losing his friendship, I was also (raiding into the car. Banbury owned tho orneriest, most abandoned, most drunk-and-disorderly automobile in our town. It had sixty farse-power and a hind axle like the underpinning of an elephant. He always used to drive it with the muffler cut out so as to make it sound as fatal ss possible, and it was against his principles to go into low speed on any pre=test whatever. Forty miles an hour everywhere, with a laugh for tho poor aid the policeman, was his platform.

Ho this the boss to'nsorial artist among nutoniobilists. He shaved curbstones, telegraph poles, buggies, hearses ad perambulators. Ho was also some fcir tonic. Ho raised twenty heads of hir a (lay by lionking past them so close iht their owners' coat buttons scratchel the paint on the tonueau. Bat at that, I always envied, the fddistriiins and the horses when I rode sit!: Banbury. They only had him for 3 second. I had him for ten and fenty miles at a dose. You know how job try to steer an auto with your leg, com die back seat, when the idiot at rise rheel is trying.to make it loop tho street rar. I have sat in' Banbury's car and steered so hard that my leg idiod for an hour afterwards. I have Hindered vaguely as we dodged loco-. 'satire* whether I would bo present l •i!s at the funeral—it's such a disapjihnont at a funeral when tho.corpse is; appear for inspection. And I h figured horribly,, half an hour at .'notch, just what would happen to ferity directory if a steering knuckle aiiW break, a wheel should dish, or fe machine should throw a shoo on a. K"u!cd corner.

Three times a week, as I said, Banhry kidnapped me with that undersior tenser of his and took me home. Us drove himself —fools of his calibre <in« scarce and hard to lure — and every iimo ho hit sixty miles and just rescd hitting something else, he would urn his large, round face around with s smile of perfect bliss and ask "I ski this isn't fun, hey?" And I iroa tiie corner of tho tonneaii, or the fen: rail, or tho middle of the air, or ftewvi•;■ 1 happened to be, would reply Birnnl.-i jerked out like sausage links: "Isn't—it —though!" And till the while I was fighting-mad to think that my bright and promising I;S, fur the mere rental of which my •nii was paying £SOO a year, was being irppfl around in and out of tho jaws aid aliDiifc the canines and incisors of fatli, ju.se for tha amusement of a redKckod law-breaker. It may bo almost ;trt!i wliilo to march up a hill with i'. f1 ..000 other defenders of your country asl pot s-liot into a thinly distributed pait' hy a T3in shell, but what possible Krtiiti; thorn in being, wrapped around J tek?ri!ph polo with one foot in your ■fit peck. 1 and tha other in the transmission (it an ex-automobile, and of be*g r.rn.>t.'d if you are alive and called » joy rider bv" tho papers if you are Hadl'

Every week I hated Banbury more, ad every v. eck ho managed to get just '•lout one moro mile an hour from his er - And finally one night I rebelled. "Xo." 1 said, when lie stopped and | Sid, ••Jump in," "I'd rather ride in a ®mmon, old. flat-wheeled chariot with 1 conduct, vr who washed last week than "jy_to bun into Paradise in sections in car yours. You drive too fast me. You come too near, hitting tiings! 1 am just as comfortable In lour"car as I would he tied up in front a a nuul hull with some friend trying to save itit- l>\- shooting the. ropes off ." Banbury just opened his plentiful ®°uth and laughed until I couldn't the exhaust of his engine. . After ho kept right on stopping for me, on each occasion he had a new in- . "Get in. Sam." ho would say, "I'vb hud iln? engine taken, out. She Nss wiili a spring now. You'll like iwbetr.T." "r. "(.Vine on. Sam. I'm going to H!.'iiu-'s little boy up, too, lu-'il hold vour hand if you're

-0'- "•'uinp iii, Sam; I'll run the bill •J the -!»«•' speed and get you a sack cit wb .11 the way if you'll come." . !"1.! .insiin. niy next-door neighbor, ■ !1: Insults one Sunday while ■ ' v 'ii h -J mi our motor-boat. Wo nv t > 111v-fonr-fobt', semi-speed v. ;tU a six-horse engine, that ' ? 1| i i 5 iilons nine, miles, an'hour i ?*rnv ::iM!;lr, v (l revolutions, and every -tei'.a.v worked together on. our . ? ta 'i- .\!..ior-I»oating,'is the best of all •> 'lft*. Ti:,Tf is no arrogant, disagree- I J* 'nimj.tiimsHess about it. You do j Cot ni'i nv.-r people, get arrested for s „ r niangle yourself, in any : J* ,«f a <!rze:i different ways. So-- « Spy i'lwl happily the motor-boatist • aHmvi „ Vv>r t j le wares, • inhales wind > ?tu uy;i.'!:: r instead of dust and small '> and the worst that can happen "■"m i- to get- into the trough of a ' ta 'tr:th lijs ijvnition drowned out and ii;isustaining than rubber t ? ots . i» case he can't bale as fast_ 'is . e river comes aboard. Motor-bnating * a tfli-ri.:us and gentle sport. . It js SK>yed hv nature lovers, but automo--1®? scorn it. There is nothing to turtles. - j and 1 go down early to ine t" bur.day to work on our boat., . -.-...lues wt* n;ot it ready to run before a i; 1 (liKtimes we don't; but we 1 «t|.>v ourselves to the core. It . sittinc on the gunwale, after; pT®? cranked the engine eighty-nine ' ,'r c ' s at a stretch —a record for. liim—- £ , Jon<?i head my wail and conhis brilliant idea. " tell vou what we'll do," he said; 'suffered from Banbury, same as inS e " He got me ill one night and., "°\me eighteen miles' out. to s.ome A ncr y dub. in twenty-four minutes, "niotv-six jolts. ■ I'm laying for-

him. too. Suppose we inveigle him into the' Peggy next Sunday. He doesn't know any more about navigating than he does about the golden rule. We can break down and 'let enough water in through the pump intake to keep Mm working for his life for an hour or 1 two while we tinker with the engine. 1 Or maybe it will be rough and save as | the trouble. Ten to one we will hive * liim praying for help before two hours. 1 Then we can take him home and tell him what a nervous little pussy cat 1 lie is when he isn't scaring* people .in' his own particular way. How does that sound?" "Johesey!" said I,'= rising up solemnly and swaping : a handful of grease* with liim, "you're the genius of the - age. It sounds like Revenge;with Valenciennes trimmings." Then we gave up cranking the Peggy—she was feeling punk,. anyway—and went home to get out the working plans for the plot. It was as easy as electing the worst man in a city election. Banbury just sniffed and ' said no clam-cliasing for 'him." 1 Six horse-power in anv ex-mud scow- presented' about as much attraction for him as a nice glass of bread and milk after a ball game. Then I spoke my little piece. I had been rehearsing it; all morning. "Very well, Banbury,-' I said, "sorry you won't come. Some people are nervous about the water, I know; but there's no real danger." You're as safe as you are in your own car. If it would make you less afraid we could tow a , skiff after us " . That was enough. After Banbury had necided not to slap my nose around where it could sneeze into my ear, as he • promised earnestly to do, at 'first, he declared that he was going to navigate with us the next Sunday. - "Do what you like and go as far as yqu like!" he roared, "but don't let me hear any more of this nervous talk. When I get nervous about navigating a catfish slough in a horse trough, with a huilt-over cream separator for an engine, I'll let you know, but don't feel insulted if I bring along the Northwestern Christian Advocate to read. I've got to have some excitement dur-

ing the day." I . I went, to Jones, and we fell on each other's shoulders. Then we put in a fierce .week on the Peggy. We took her apart from fly wheel to propeller, cleaned her up and- tuned her until'she woxild start with a single twist of t'he wheel every time. Then we filled the stem of .the .boat, suggestive- • ly,. with life preservers, and waited for our prey. We had an idea, that Banbury didn't know much about the glorious art of navigation. We over-estimated it by that word "much." He didn't know anything at all about it. When lie got down to the dock on Sunday morning the river was full of white caps 1 in answer to our prayers, and the Peggy," lying a hundred yards out at 1 her anchorage, was bobbing "howdydo" ' enthusiastically. • Banbury looked at her, and I could see relief breaking out 1 on his face. * "So you're not going after all," he . said cheerfully. "That's too bad. X C was hoping it would be better weather. I I had sort of set my heart on this j trip." ' "What- makes you think we're not' 1 going?" demanded Jones. . . . 1 "Well, you haven't- got the boat in 1 and it looks pretty squally," began 1 Banbury. 3 '-•'Say, what do you think we run —a ferry-boat?" said I. It was my turn at i bat. "We row out to our boat when £ we want her, and while there isn't sea i Enough on to make the trip interesting, j we're going to do the best we can for 1 you." I threw some oars in a fiat-bot- t fcomed punt, climbed in, and motioned 1 to him to take a seat.

"What!" yelled Banbury, "go out in that butter boat! I'm no fish." "Sam," said Jones wearily, "Mr Banbury wants aii ocean liner to take liim :jut to our boat. I'm afraid he isn't enough of a seaman to go out on a Jay like this. Will you run up to the boathouse and telephone to my little boy. He wanted to go to-day, but I told liim a big, stout, man who wasn't ail-aid of anything was going to go." If Jones had hit Banbury on the neck with brass knuckles lie couldn't have looked more unhappy. "I'm doing; what's the matter with you?" he moaned. Then he got down. on., his stomach and - crawled into " the punt from the float, and we paddled' out to tlie Peggy. I won't say that I didn't help nature a little bit, but the fact is we shipped about all the water that was good for us on the way out, and had a real nice trip. I'll bet the Peggy looked as big as an island to Banbury nil en lie crawled into her. I cranked the engine and the Peggy started downstream, nicely as you please. But not nicely enough tor Banbury. I could . see that in a minute. We were going into the waves quartering, and about every fourth one came aboard. Ordinarily we would have run across to the lee shore, but that- morning we stayed out and took whatever came. We Banbury yie pump and told him to bail. We also told him how to put on a life-preserver, and which way to jump in case the boat \ V '°nt over. Then Jones and I left him to himself in the stern. Theoretically, we sat together on the front seau to run the engines. But in reality, whenever we leaned down to investigate it, we were shaking hands and patting each other on the back. You never saw such noble work with a bilge pump-as Banbury performed that day. It kept us busy picking, up enough seas to keep ahead of him. prettv nearly pumped the oakum out or her. 'And whenever lie stopped tor breath. I would turn around, fog up mv voice a little, and say, ' Bully old man; we're still on top. . But it s all we can do to kep her running. Keep rjrrht at it. Watch out; here comes a,"bio- one. Whoop!" Then Jones would slant her off just- about m time to catch sis gallons of river, and Banbury would bail as if he were a P rl " sotier in a cist-srn in the ]\liclulg Ages,

pumping for life. . - j It was the happiest trip I ever made. . As a matter of fact, we were mors than even with Banbury before we had gone , five miles. But we were hoggish. We , wanted to scare him until lie would , jump from his car and lade forever . after when he saw lis coming. I have . since learned that enough is a great , plentv, and that more than enough is what" causes dyspepsia, insolvency, obituaries, and other troubles. But didn't know it then. Ten miles below town, the river jumped over a six-foot dam with a (rreat splash. It wasn't really so bad. Ilie current was gentle above, and clammers snubbed their one-lungers up and down bv the trees along the shore. But it sounded and looked terrific, and there were rocks enough below the middle of the-clam to paralyse any craft, We decided to kill the engine and drnt down. That would give us_ a quarter of an hour in which to bleach banbit r'v's hair and pry into his past life. Then we could crank up and take him home where liis -market price would bo thirty cents a hundred, dressed. T •It "was too lovely to resist. 1 leaned down quietly and shut oil the Presently the Peggy began to hiccough. Then _her engine stopped - "Heavens!" yelled Jones LJied;'.ni's onlv a mile away, aiul balked. Crank lor your lite, Baninn v!" . ' • - <• j. i • •Banburv had been unm iron u .trying • iiS'a shaky sort of way to enjoy tne -cenerv We had worked him forwaici in order that he might have the pleasure of cranking the Peggy- Ho went as white as flour and jumped tor the C '"Quick '" veiled Jones, slipping the, spark.over just enough to.make .the en-o-jrjG back" lire, which she throwing BulV.iry over to the side of the boat w=fch the last charge of gasoline m her. '•Try it again," he yelled, tin owing ott the spark •altogether. That was the beginmiisi of twenty ru'iiutes of the keeiiest bliss I ever eujovod. -"We floated lazily down, bobbing about'in the .short, choppy sea, while

Bnnburv cranked like a ciazy man. We tr-od changing battelles. . Wo tried cvtii'ig out the punlp, screwing down the needle valve and spitting on the tly wheel: We tried everything that w as of no use to trv; and Banbury cranked • twenty times for each trial. • Betu oen cranks, Jones and I cussed etch other for leaving the oars at heme. We moaned about the necessitv of ■ swimming out • below.; the dam and hoped -the boat wouldn't :be damaged when she wont- over; Aud all .the time Binbur\ was grunting and moaning andfighting for jife. Going sixfoot waferfall in a motor boat ton/to the rocks below, with .110 knowledgejof -theitnaFul nrt nf Qwrmrrillinr was "IUSt *&S

pleasant to him as falling off the Singer Building. It was one of the most pitiful and most thoroughly satisfying sights I have ever seen. Every time my conscience jabbed me, I t.iiought of the old women he was so fond of frightening on the streets back at home, and my heart froze up like a water pipe m winter. The plan was a beautiful success. A quarter of a mile from the; dam, Banbury was on his knees alternately praying and yelling for help. He had a life: preserver on, wrong side j up. His two; hands' were a mass. of blisters; for we'had allowed, him to crank? most of the time with, the, compressions on. He

was all in; down and out, under foot, off the map. We jvoiild n'ever be bothered -with 'him'again:. All we .had to do was to torn on the juice, 'twirl the fly-wheel, and give him a i tea-mile laugh ou the way: home. I let on the gasoline slyly and Jones: went iip front, i '"Let a good vman take the; cranky, lie said soothingly as he turned r her | over.- ' , . The Peggy didti't start. 'Jones . cranked rapidly about five times. Then he* primed .the; engine, threw on the.compression, and>cranked until he. Was black in; the, face.. i Peggy made a noise like the stone door stop of the Colliseujii. . - . W 6 could hear-the roar of the falls quite plainly now; We had about five minutes to spend cranking the Peggy. and her average baulk when she lay down on us was an'hour! . Right there Jones rose to the emergency. Of course we had no anchor. Yon never have an anchor in a. motorboat. Some chump has always borrowed it. But in Jess than a i minute Jones had disconnected the engine; all 'around. In another minute lie had tied the head line around the fly-wheel end of the crank-shaft.. I grabbed one end and he the other. Wc hoisted it up, and with . a mighty heave -we dumped that engine overboard. There was a ',sonl-stirring ; splash,:and the P<iggy . swung;'■•■arouiidU stern foremostand stopped. We were anchored safe and sound', a hundred yards above the dam. ; ■ • .

.Banbury had been trying to pray aiid had gotten as far - as "Now I lay me,", nine or ten times, when he realised that £he obsequies -had ..been, temporarily , postponed- For a minute the ; light dii his face was -seraphic. He looked out upon the beautiful green .world only a few hundred very- wet--feet away as if •lie had a proprietary interest in it once more. He was so liappy at being jerked out of the jaws of death, with tooth marks air over him, that he cleanforgot- us. But presently he began to remember. The fact that he was still hunrif by a hair over an-exceedingly informal place in the river, and that he had no-prospects of getting away until somebody turned, the water off, began to worm its way into his bliss and curdle it. And- presently he began to tfouve'rs.e with us. "So this is what you call navigating, is it?, you imitation skippers," he sneered. ~"0f: all the dough-brained jobs I ever saw, this is the limit. If you can't keep your tinkered'-up drygoods bos running, why do you put it m the water?' It would make a good hothouse with glass doors on it. You would make good gardeners, too. You would be company for the turnips. You might even succeed at sprouting potatoes. With a little more education you could clean streets." And so on, indefinitely. -He sat there and skinned us alive and we sat there and took it without, gas. There was nothing else to do. Sometimes he'd rest by standing up-'and yelling for help; then he'd sit down, look us over calmTy and coldly—he was as big as both of us —and begin again. "What you descendants of a thousand years of cabbages need is judgment. -If you are going to rim a. motor-boat you want to go at- it right. You want to hire a nursegirl. Any little girl who has been through the first reader will "do. Take hex' along

to do your thinking for you. And you need u better bout, too. "Wlty don't you get a piano box and nse an electric fan for" a propellerP If you don't want to make such a big improvement all at once, you could f.lo *t by degrees. ou might start in with a tub." And you ought- to begin studying a coffee mill when you get home. A couple of chaps of your calibre ought to learn how to run a coffee mill pretty well in about five years. The' trouble with all fools is they want to do too much at once. Nqw if you would get an egg-beater and practice starting and stopping it—" . It- was very soothing, this conversation of Banbury's. After about an hour, it stopped blowing and began to rain—nasty, cold rain. -We were as well protected as a church steeple. Banbury seemed to . get still more peevish after it had rained a while. He would empty his shoes and his hat and wring out iiis coat, and by that time he would have thought up something more to say. He was a wonder at thinking up things. We sat there and took it. On other occasions we might have talked back, but what could we say? We threw all our repartee overboard with that engine. It rained and rained, and dinner tune passed, with nothing on board more nourishing than gasoline. Two o clock went by, and after a stretch of time long enough to season a pyramid, three o'clock arrived; when it had arrived iu i went awav as fast as ,an Arkansas freight train—and then we heard a motor boat whistle upstream. When Banbury heard that whistle lie danced and. swung his hat and shrieked until I felt distressed over the waste of sound. The whistle came from a little clamming : boat on its way down river, but it looked like a trans-Atlantic liner when it chugged up and tied on tons. We were going to explain what had happened and humbly petition to be taken ashore, when Banbury headed us off The chance' of rescue had driven him clean daft.' All his fright had come back and he was possessed of just one idea. He wanted to get on solid land to feel it with his feet, put both arms around it, and to camp there forever more. "All I want," he shouted, hauling out his pocketbook, "is to be taken over to that shore there. / "Understand :

There's five dollars in it for you. You take me over there, and"so help me, if .1 ever set foot in a devil-built death trap again, I hope I go down head foremost." , . "What's the hurry, old man," remarked Jones smoothly, "we'll get-fix-ed up pretty soon arid take you; back. "Take me back!" roared Banbury; "take me back! I'm going to Tvaik back. I've been out with fools long enough. No more boats for me; ,1 m done with 'em forever. Just let- me get on that shore over there and;.III show you how to get back. I'll wa,lk I've had my lesson. • : ■ ■ "But it's ton miles and no roads, ola man ; von better come- back with us, «aid Jones blandly. "We'll get home in time for supper; This is just a common occurrence." ■ . "I'd rather crawl all the way, shouted Banbury.' "Don't'talk to me, von fools. You'll never get that , boat back, anyway. Just set me on shot e, ■mv.'friend." T "Oh. verv well, said Jones. : Lome hnck for \is. old man," lie shouted to i the clammer as the latter cast, oft; : "we I ve got some work for you, there s another five in it." We watched the little: boat chug upstream to the bank, Banbury, holding on witli both hands. Then Jones grabbed the oil cans and got out the waste. "What are you going to do r 1 1 asked. , . ~ "We're going to go home in the Peggy and we're going to beat ;Banbnrv.'" he said grimly. " Wo watched Banbury . up the bank and disappear in the ; wet underbrush.. The clamor stuck her.:nose into the stream again, and chugged back. , 1 'Some soared, lie v, as, her skippei said as he tied on. s "And "we're some busv, said Jones. "Just anchor, will you p "' The clammer dropped a hity-pounu stone overboard, and we tied on. Then »e hoisted our motor from the damp and lugubrious 'deep.. .Ever- hoist_a;lo(Jpound motor in a. tippy, .boat. It.s no snap. I had a lame back for a week. But we managed it; the three ot us, and hauled it" in. . j I have seen feverish activity on f,eve- , ral occasions. I have seen men try.to rarrj pianos and fcoal buckets out oi burning houses, and I myself ..[have argued' wrbli as many as four hundred bumblebees, at,one time when a ?boy But those were moments of leisure "com pared with'-the "'next half', hour; ij "YW » dried that,motor, with everything m th< > boat: J it-lad stopped raijimg We, poured gasoline on'it and burnec

the gasoline —nice, safe job in a greasy boat? We oiled it and greased it all over. Then we bolted it down, connected everything up and cranked it. She started 011 the ninety-sixth yank. _ We paid the clamor and sent him on to the locks, rejoicing. The Peggy wabbled upstream and we ran, her, watch in hand, praying and hoping. She sneezed, and she back fired, ana she slapped about -three shots out of five. But she kept/going, while-we patted: lier 1 ' engine find dosed her with oil whenever she faltered. Just as the clocks' were striking seven wu ran her into the dock, yelled {to the boy to ,take care of her, and sprinted for the street: cars. In fifteen minutes we were at my home. In. twenty more we were out of a hot bath and in dry clothes. In fifteen minutes more, full of hot coffee and whatever we could find, Jones and I were seated jon, my front porch, ha in my clothes two sizes too long for him, reading the: Sunday papers and smoking —and waiting for Banbury.. When we had waited, about ten minutes, a street car -stopped and 'a hor- ! rible object got.off. It was soggy and crumpled. It'had cockleburs on-.its legs and Spanish needles in its hair. It had lost its hat. It was plastered with mud wllere it had fallen down. It didn't have any coat. It wabbled when it walked. It was'Banbury. "Hello, old r&an," said Jones, as it went past, "why didn't you come on with nsF You must have had an awful walk." 1 , The object..turned around and raised its fist. "If you ever speak to. me again, either of you, I'll kill you !" it shrieked. No, I don't ride in Banbury's auto any more. Neither does Jones. We are glad, because .we are afraid of motor ' cars. •