The CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 984, 4 October 1924, Page 1

The CRITIC

* If exercise really increased the size of all muscles, some of our M.P's. would require extra storage room for their tongues. Don't, grumble at your lot as you look at' that well-kept suburban garden with its newly-mown lawn. You don't know how much the owner has grumbled at the size of his lot as he perspired all the morning over the propelling end of a lawn-mower. Governor- General Jellicoe will soon be back again to "England, Home and Beatty." , A leading daily, paper commented on the "Might of the League' of Nations." That's its chief weakness; there is too much "might" about its. .efforts, for them to be effective. ' ' " ■ The Customs appear .to .be doing their duty m regard to opium. Capitalism may keep some ■ men down; but laziness achieves .the. same result on a much greater scale. The man who takes no 'interest m his work will make little interest out of it. ; The Soviet propagandists prate "peace," but the Soviet is more practical. It makes war on the slightest provocation' and massacres and murders m order to secure peace. "Deeds, not words," is the motto of the Soi vi et. . ' The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; .and the young know everything! "Beautiful Modern Bungalow, only £2600. If you see this you can't resist it." — That's the worst of it "Critic" will be going broke soon buying these places, they're so irresistible. .America might peacefully solve the problem of what to do with Japan's surplus population if it presented the Japs, with a few hundred thousand motor- cars. You know accidents WILL happen. . '■'• i : s : "I for one would hate to be m the Prince of Wales's shoes," said the man with the size eleven hoof .' Now that the weather is getting warmer there is one that can rise to the occasion.__ That is the thermometer. Wouldn't one law* be enough— that every person should mind his own business? "That's nothing," said ,th« porker with a cold; "I'll soon be cured." Some of the "also-starteds" at recent elocutionary Competitions shouldgo ,m for a course of electrocution. These Labor people who profess to abhor secret diplomacy (and hold most of their meetings m secret) should strain every, effort to secure the appointment^ of female diplomatists; A scow turned turtle at Dargaville last week. .Rumors that the crew are m the soup are unfounded. A Chink was intercepted m" Wellington the other day with four tins of ortium round his waist and another m the leg of his trousers. Our office boy is inspired:' ... . , ' Tins on his tumhiy .And tins m his pants. ".,/■' He shall have prison '■■.■ .;..: Instead of a trance. Some people love motoring. So do some hogs. There is nothing like the faith that keeps on believing m a preacher whose sermons scathingly condemn indulgence m his own favorite sin.

Fewer people would suffer from "nerves" if they had less time to think about themselves. We are told that the man who i"efrains from strong drink gets ahead best. But "Critic" is prepared to baclc the drinker to get a head. .Diplomacy: The art of concealing your gift of bad language. .In. the village the small boy is happy with his penny. In the city he sneers at sixpence, grunts at a shilling and, a year or two later, declares that "half a dollar" doesn't go far.

To be a success a lawyer must have tact as well as degrees. Clients are also essential. Don't think that because a man looks important he is. There are not many really clever people m the world; you can, m fact, boil them down to two. Edison is the other one. The most pitiful sight m the world is that of an average father trying to do his son's homework. : • : ; I : Newspapers often, refer to the influence of "public opinion." That influence would be more effective if the dea,r old public were well organised. The difference between a small town and a big city is that m the latter they have more nerve-^-and more nerves.

r There would be less objection to picture shows if people would only realise that reel life is not real life. "Critic" has no sympathy with a correspondent who declares that most Scotsmen he meets . are not polite. Politeness costs nothing. A popular Turkish Baths establishment has many esteemed patrons. : : : : : : This is the time of year when many men re" -make old resolutions about gardening. A little later they resolve to leave the effort to a hired man- — or leave gardening alone.

Some expert's are saying that jazzing is one of the causes of goitre. And jazz ought to get it m the neck, too. A director is known by the company ' he keeps. I know a man who can squeeze seven candles into an ordinary candle packet without tearing the paper. He is a tram .conductor. To prevent milk going sour before you can drink it, drink it before it goes sour. A Yankee writer describes a puncture as a hissing sound closely followed by profanity. This description is* of course, only applicable to America. -Talking about silliosities of the English language: Why do some people, say they_ "enjoy" very bad health?

"Critic" is authorised to deny the rumor that an Order-in-rCouncif has been promulgated contradicting the report that the Prince of Wales was accompanied on his recent polo-play-ing visit to America by a well-equipped ambulance outfit — doctors, nurses, liniment and cushions, etc. •Unsuccessful litigants .m recent breach-bf-promise lawsuits declare that the high cost of living is nothing compared with the high cost of loving. One of our dailies emphasised the other day that Communism was antiBritish. But isn't it anti-anything? And when it is tried out it emphasises the strength of the' case for antiCommunism. ■■■■■■■ .* ' Up-to-date as usual, "Critic" desires to announce .'that m the coming bathing season ladies will carry their water costumes m their vanity bags. Broadcasting isn't so very new after all. It first came into prominence when party telephone wires were introduced. ' t : : : . : : No doubt there are possibilities m the League of Nations. Also impossibilities. You can really enjoy an hour or two up m Parliament if you have a sense of humor. The Government made a big bid for the title of Liberal when it paid peak prices for land. The difference between a "seaside bungalow" and a shed is that one has a tenant if it is summertime. j :-. . : :t Lot's wife was foolishly inquisitive. So are lots of wives — but not necessarily foolishly. Husbands and wives are often ill. The husband's illness is usually much worse than the wife's. i ; : : : : Some men don't make a success of their job because they can't. Others, who could make a success of it, simply won't. ■ . " , Most men have the Ideal Wife m mind, but the ideal is seldom realised. Few girls have as much cash as all that. ■ . Social position should be calculated not on what a man does but how he does it. A good navvy is inn tritely preferable to an incompetent general. :; :: sj Better to have religion m our politicians than m our politics. The joke about the Government is the Government. When a pretty woman starts to tell you how cruel her husband is— reach for your hati ' You motor-speed-fiends: Don't try to demonstrate that you have the fastest car on the road. Death's car will . inevitably beat you — nothing is more sure. The man who says he's just an average man seldom really thinks he is— and he seldom is. If you are visiting a house whose domestic arrangements are unknown to you, you can tell whether it is a maid or the daughter of the house that is assisting the hostess. The maid isn't pouting all the time.

Old age gives good advice when it is no longer able to give bad example.

"One way to prove your greatness is to secure a majority of votes," says a writer of snappy * otes. "Critic" doubts the admissibility of this test as evidence. . ■