THE PROHIBS PALAVER

NZ Truth, Issue 472, 4 July 1914, Page 5

THE PROHIBS PALAVER

Weird and Wild Words.

Cheap Chaff, Check and Contumely

Parliamentarians Must Placate Prohib

Push or Perish.

Having collared the manager's brolly — one of severe and religious aspect — the sporting editor's copy of Chapander's hymns, "Truth's" religious editor blew along last Wednesday week to the Town 'All to lend his, moral support to just about the greatest event m the history of the world, namely, the grand gathering of all the elected waterspouts and cold tea vessels who have come to "Wellington to make Bill Massoy's miserable life happy. When "Truth's!' religious editor arrived on the scene, there were about 3000 ginger-pop propagators present, clad m clean dials and more or less ditto shirts and blouses.. Just before the proceedings started, a. nice; old lady with a dial like, unto a washboardonly more, severer-spotted "Truth's" religious editor sitting at tho press table, and blew over to him arid presented "Truth" with two tickets, one of which warned him of "the Vvrrath to come," t'other pointed out, In large and lurid letters, that there wer6 v ■ NO ICE-CHESTS IN HEIZi.

Alter firing the tickets at "Truth's" rep., the lady sweetly informed him that she would "pray for him" so that Beelzebub might not hand him one When he was not looking-. "Truth" gracefully thanked her, and: hoped she wouldn't wear out the carpet over the job. V .

I The Rev. J. Dawson at this stag© called loudly upon the delegates to climb up beside him so that all might behold (Sod's Own elect and choson. The delegates then blew along till a whole galaxy graced the platform and shed rays of blinding brilliancy upon the minor water- vessels seated m less elevated spots. Over the stage a brilliant banner gleamed, bearipg the inscription : — Which shall go down? The bar> or our boys? The bar cannot last without boys. The legend, seemed a little "out" to that "boys" are not permitted to bo served In any bar. Just when the town clock announced only two hours to closing time, that holy tea-urn, the Rev. J. Dawson called on all of us to warble Ithat beautiful hymn, "Onward Kerristian Soldiers," a bloke haying got on to the resident piano, the audience started m to deal with tho "Korristlan Soldiers." "Truth's" rep. was right m the line of flre— the way the soldiers were coming —and one ancient' bloke, with a voice like all tho TROMBONES IN SOUSA'S BAND, blasted about nine "Kerristian Soldiers" clean up into the organ, loft. After the Kerristian Soldiers had been blown off the premises, a heavy piece of ecclesiastical artillery, called Sanon Haselden, wrastled with the Loard In prayer about nothing m particular. Then the vast audience blew its collective beak loudly as that chosen,- vessel, Wesley Spragg, banged and pushed his Washup the Mayor into the chair, and still more bangously announced that his Washup -was "doing himsalf honor" by wearing tho leather off -the mahogany; His^ Washup, Livery Luke, then' loudly declared that ho did feel honored m warming tho central pleco of furniture at the watery ceremony, and then Len Isitt, the elect of Christchurch North, started m with an ox- ■ cellent exhibition of that cheap buffoonery which he has been ' using for * years m the cold-tea industry. Len worked off much alleged humor, whereat old women of both sexes Inthe audience yelped loud delight Then waxing heroic, he, elevating his dexter dook amongst thp roof, lights, loudly "declared that the No-License Party was "going to MUR-R-RDE-R-R-R THE DERRINK TR-RAFFIC !" Next star item was pr, Florence Keller, 1 bf Auckland, and there were no bottle-green winged Insects on her. The learned shemale sawbones hails from a wowser medical school In Chicago's "Jungle" city, and talks through her beak most bountifully. T'other day Florence got elected to the Hospital and Charitable' Aid Board at Auckland and has been talking over. slnco. The learnod lady enlarge^ extensively on the kur-rso of liquor and reckoned and guessed that If present goings on continued there would be only two institutions m Masseyland — one the. gaol and t'other tho loonoy house. Likewise all tho children would have dingbats, spavins, atringhalt and a nice quiet funeral. After the doctor had sat down and adjusted her hair, which was done up | m the "cottage-loaf style, tho Choson Teapot Dawson east A DAMPER OVER THE AUDIENCE I by announcing that tho collection was going to bo token up. As all tho doors were shut, no vessels could escape'! conveniently and tho plato passed merrily round. At tho conclusion tho j holy hose announced that any bloke or old woman could havo the inestimable benefit of becoming a member of the Noo ZUand A-Lio*Ance for the Imperceptible sum of five roberto sterling per year. As nobody weighed m with five roberto tho rev. flre shovel gavo way to the next hilarious turn, und ! Boy Bedford, who used to bQ a Horn Pea, but who now chases "coats" round Dunedin, pushed his .£"**k In front of tho footlights. After^^lng up a lot of weighty and ancient statistics, which fell with a loud and sick- j enlng thud whoro tho orchestra ought to have been, ho raised his lllywhlte i band to high Heaven, and loudly an- ! nouriced that -If Bill Massoy and Parliament did not toe tho line to tho A-lie-ance'a demands, * then the A-lio-aiico would do dr-r-readful things to William tho Wunth. PARLIAMENT WOULD BE PITCHED TO PERDITION. At least, at the end of tho swwlon, thoßo podlcßS M.sK who didn't bnck up the 65 per cent- majority demand, would ilnd themselves emptied out on to ii cold and unsympathetic world, where railway pauses ttre not, and thy front door of Bellamy's Is nlwayH Hhut. That derelict of Auckland, C. A. I'oolo, lately back from an exploiting tour of tho Land of thr Wooden Jlam, thon had un Innlngfi nnd trotted out nomo of hl« *?no<l old Auckland .clap* trap, which won jjrowlnK wjmjvMk and fungus yoJirst n^o, Chnrllo'H lltlln u<ldrcsat moHtly conuUnou Ohisvp humor. «llly platitude.-*, wlf-K^rifltaUon and it rf?f«r»>nco to tlt«> rt*«w m Vttnkeo pubberleH, but it wen! down alt th« wny with thn old wonwn. ' After hvarlnK Charlie's Htllo bit «t tripe the audionco had hud cmniKh, Ho It loudly howled GorKuvc ami th<*n wont ouUldo to find that oil th«» pubberlou h«4 cloned up a quarter of nn hour bofore, and many went homo without their ovonlsg 'tipple for the llrist time m thrw ycar^. k