KIRK kM KLUBS.

NZ Truth, Issue 150, 2 May 1908, Page 6

KIRK kM KLUBS.

CONSTERNATION OF PARSON COLWELL.

Disgraceful Orgies m His Church

He Lets it to Club-swinger Griffiths.

In their frantic, feverish chase after the ever elusive, fleet-footed shekels, which they dearly love, and which are not so easily captured l>y the wowsers m these days of enlightenment and consequent dwindling "plarte" receipts, the. "good" people who "guard" and guide the destinies of the Newcastle Methodist mission have just fallen flop into a veritable sea of trouble, says Sydney "Truth." They have, at the same time, provided the community with the local sensation of the week, and they have made themselves a laughing stock and a target for the jokes of the town wags. Among the rank and file of wowserdom —the common, or garden, flock— there is, therefore, now brewing a storm that will m a day or two for a certainty break about the misguided heads of the mis-sion-rulers, and swamp them. This will be, .to them, the unkindest cut of all. The whole trouble— which is a ciueer mixture of comedy, tragedy, and farcehas been caused by a happening that for the purpose of convenient description, may be placed m the "REGRETTABLE INCIDENT" CLASS. Early m the week, world's champion endurance club-swinger Jack Griffiths interviewed Parson Colwell, who is superintendent of the mission, with the object of "chartering" the mission hall for three days and three nights, during which uerI iod he proposed to ■wipe all previous re- * cords m the club-swinging business, clean off the face of the earth. '. Dazzled (apparently) by the color of the club-swinger's gold, Parson Colwell let the hall, which, by the way, is the Methodist place of worship, and, to all intents and purposes, is a church — at any rate on Sundays — for the sum or £lv. j Griffiths snapped the offer, paid the whole ! amount down pn ihe nail, got his receipt, and the gentle shepherd signed the ! contract.

All necessary business formalities having thus been complied with, the clubswinger entered upon his" record smashing task bright and early on Thursday, ■morning. A local committee, chiefly composed of what are • familiarly known as "sports" 1 , and a couple of' per-, sonal . attendants (one of whom is, a coon addicted to pugilism), simultaneously entered upon their duties as masters of ceremonies. To cap it all, the printed tickets of admission proclaimed to the world at large, and to the mission authorities m particular, that the general manager of the whole show was no less a person that Mr Sam Fisher, the great press champion of the cause of the Association hotel-keepers— the principal Northern "enemy" \ .

OP UNITED "CHILLED TEA," m which Parson -Colwell is the leading "spirit." Than the series of facts' 1 just mentioned can any other set possibly be conceived having greater potentialities of trouble and grief for the pious propie of the Methodist mission ' Decidedly not. Yet the mission authorities evidently allowed the very obvious significance of the circumstances of the case to escape their notice. Throughout Thursday forenoon and afternoon all went smoothly with the clubswinging. Griffiths, clad m nice white pants, a singlet, and black boots, stood on a mat m the church (?), and whirled the chunks of timber more or less elegantly at the rate of something like seventy revolutions a minute. During the afternoon, crowds of "ewe lambs" from Parson Colwell's flock rolled up serenely to see the performance, fcelinc, no doubt, secure iv the" conviction that "dear, good" Mr Colwell would not let the church, for any exhibition that was m the faintest degree brutal, degrading, or m any other respect improper. As it turned out, the ladies were m no wav disappointed, for, up to this time, everything had been conducted m a perfectly seemly fashion (as, m fact, it was all through the piece as far as Griffilhs himself was concerned) , and the club-swinjr,er was as yet as fresh as paint. During the evening and early part of the niebt, however, a change began to slowly but surely come over the spirit of the. dream. The duly-apnointed attendants kept supplying the Imnber-wliirler with beef tea and other nutritious - and invigorating; "foods," and looking after, other of his requirements when occasion arose. The supervising cqmmittee were at their posts. About midni?h^ fearing (possibly) that Griffiths might get drowsy, the audience proceeded to carry out a "nrogramme" that would not only have kept an endurance club-swinger's eyes open, but would have awakened the dead. « The audience at this hour was .composed largely of race-course ' sharks, 'Mudtrers and pugs — the "cream" of Ihe "tnlr-nt" of the city. From midnight till quite 4 a.m. the scene m the hall WAS DISGRACEFUL AND DIS- ~ CREDITABLE to say the least of it, the hoodlums taking complete control, and converting the church for the time being into a tenthrate pub. Dozens of bottles of pgrog were brought into the building, and, to a chorus of popping corks, some of the members of the push played an accompaniment ■•n the church organ. , Hymns and ribald sonas were sung alternately, while some members, of the crowd indulged m waltzing and m trick-riding m a bicycle amons- the seats. Others invaded the choir-room, used it as a lavatory, and left empty grog bottles strewn over tfre floor.

Shortly after midnight. Parson Oohvell entered the building;, and, finding the organ being played, voiced a strong objection, which was temporarily respected. Other rather high jinks were «oing on at the time, but, believing, no doubt, that his warning would be effective, Mr Colwell left. After his departure, however, the place was made disgracefully warm by the roughs, m spite of the efforts of the committee to restrain them, and notwithstanding the objections made by Griffiths to such a scene being allowed to continue. About four o'clock Parson Colwell returned to the Church, and, seeing the veritable pandemonium racing inside, and "detecting" the odor of grog, on every hand, rang for the police, ask-' ing for prompt protection.

According to statements made by a person -g who heard the message beinrc sent by the now infuriated clon-vmnn, Mr Colwell said : "Send a couple of policemen down to the mission : there are a couple of dozen of beer here." Not Icnowins;— and probably not even dreaming that there was trouble on— the copmen at the station interpreted the message as being merely a friendly, even if somewhat unusual and unpxpected, ' invitation to

COME ALONG AND HAVE "A TASTE.' 1 Accordingly they got of! the mark m about the tenth of a second, not even waiting lo ask themselves what .was theearthly use of a paltry two dozen of beer to a posse of Newcastle policemen. However, on arrival at the church, the police ejected one of the ring-leaders of tlie del-alien, and silenced the others. They could not, however, remove the perfume of tanglefoot. Worshippers next Sunday will consequently he confronted with the odor of "the curse" instead of the odor of sanctity. It is to he .hoped they will appreciate the. change, and, if not, that they will take the necessary steps to prevent its recurrence by making the plate so consistently substantial that those at the head of the mission will have no excuse for being tempted for the sake of "the funds" to let the church for .use as a hall to any and every sort of travelling showman— at any rate, without making a certainty of having effective supervision.- „