First Aid to Conversation

New Zealand Times, Volume LIII, Issue 12406, 27 March 1926, Page 11

First Aid to Conversation

How To Shine At Evening Parties

TEE instructions that follow (writes Stephen Leacock) are intended as , sort of first aid in conversation. The great thing after all is to Enow how to begin, to jjet started. After that, conversation Hows along of itself. I would therefore, like to indicate a few of the more familiar ways of beginning a social conversation. In China conversation, between strangers after introduction, is always opened by the question, "And how old are you?” This strikes me as singularly apt and sensible. Here is the one" thing that is common ground between any two people, high or low, rich or. poor—how far are you on your pilgrimage in life?

THE PENITENTIARY METHOD

Compare with the Chinese method the grim but very significant formula that is employed (I believe it is a literal fact) in the exercise yards of the American penitentiaries. “What have you brought?” asks the San Quentin or Sing-Sing qonvict of the new arrival, meaning, “And how long is your sentence?” There is the same human touch about this, the same common ground of interest, as in the Chinese formula.

But in our polite society we have as found no better method than beginning with a sort of medical diagnosis—“ How do you do?” This admits of no answer. Convention forbids us to reply in detail that we are

In proportion to its size, a fly walks about 35 times as fast ns a man.

The broad arrow on a convict’s clothes and on naval and military stores is the mark of Government ownership. It was the crest ofHenry Sidney, Earl of Romney, Master-Gen-eral of the Ordnance in the 17fih century, who used this mark to identify Government property for which lie was resnomsibla.

i Part of the wall of a Chinese rug » factory had' to be taken down before i an immense rug that had been woven • there could be removed. It covers 920 ■ square feet ** apse*. The word ■ derived - from the Anglo-Saxon worn eerr, a > turn, and the meaning of ehnrworman is a woman who does a turn of work.

feeling if anything slightly lower than last week, but that though our temperature has risen from ninety—onefifty to ninety-one-seventy-five, our respiration is still normal.

Still worse is the weather as an opening topic. For it either begins and ends as abruptly as the medical diagnosis, as it leads the two talkers on into long and miserable discussion of the weather of yesterday, of the day before yesterday, of last month, of last year, and the last fifty years.

Let one beware, however, or a conversation that begins too easily. THE MUTUAL FRIENDS’ WAY.

This can be seen at any evening reception, as when the hostess introduces two ■ people who are supposed to have some special link to unite them at once with an instantaneous snap, as when, for instanoe, they both come from the same town.

“Let me introduce Mr Sedley,” said the hostess. “I think you and Mr

Sedley are from the same town,' Miss Smiles. Miss Smiles, Mr Sedley.” Off they go at a gallop. “I’h so delighted to meet you,” says Mr Sedley. “It’s good to hear from anybody who comes from our little town.” (If he’s a rollicking humorist, Mr Sedley calls it his little old “burg.”) “Oh, yes,” answers Miss Smiles, “I’m from Winnipeg, too. I was so anxious to meet you to ask if you knew the McGowans. my greatest friends at home.”

“The^—who?” asks Mr Sedley. “The McGowans—on . Selkirk avenue.”

“No-o, I don’t think I do. I know the Prices on Selkirk* avenue. Of course you know them.” “The Prices? No, I don’t believe I do—l don’t think I ever heard of the Prices. You don’t mean the Pearsons? I know them very well.” “No, I don’t know the Pearsons. The Prices live just near the reservoir.”

“No, then I’m sure I don’t know them. The Pearsons live close to the college.” “Close to the college?” Is it near ’William Kennedys?” “I don’t think I know the William

Kennedy*.” This is the way the conversation goes on for ten minutes. Both Mr bedley and Miss Smiles are' getting desperate. Their faces are laxed. Their sentences are reduced to:

“Do you know the Petersons i-'” “No. Do you know the Appleby’s! - ” “No. Do yo know the "Willie Johnsons ?” “No.”

Then at last comes a rift in Uio clouds. One of them happens to mention Beverley Dixon. The other is able to cry exultingly:— “Beverley Dixon? Oh, yes, rather! At least, 1 don’t know him, but 1 used often to hear the Applebys speak of him.”

And the other exclaims with equal delight:

“I don’t know him very well either, but I used to hear the Willie Johnsons talk about him all the time.” They are saved.

Half an hour after they are still standing there talking of Beverley Dixon.

It is also said that one should try out people with a new method—the question direct; the query intelligent, I did—and it failed. “Do you know any mathematics ?*t I asked. “No,” said the lady. This was too bad. 1 oouid have shown her some good puzzles about the squares of the prime numbers up to forty-one. I paused. “How are you,” I asked," “on hydrostatics?” “I beg your pardon,” she said. Evidently she was ignorant again. “Have you ever studied the principles of aerial navigation?” I asked. “No,” she answered. I was pausing again and trying to Invest myself with an aiT of further interest, when another man was introduced to her, quite evidently, froo his appearance, a vapid jackass without one-tenth of the brain calibre that I have. “Oh, how do yon do?” he said. “I say, I’ve just head that Harvard best Princetown at basket ball this afternoon. Great, isn’t it?” In two minutes they were talking like old friends. How do these silly asses do it?