WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1695, 24 August 1904, Page 78 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Misser—“l'm sure I hit that last one, old boy. Didn’t you see the feathers %?” Guide —“Yes, sir; and they’re flying yet."

Teacher—‘Tommy, you should not smack your Lips." Tommy—" Well, I’m too young to go around smacking other people’s lips."

Perfect Surroundings.—Thespis —“So his arotic lecture was realistic?’’ Foyer —•‘‘Yes; the- most beautiful frost you ever saw."

From Pillar to Post.—Mr Casey—- • That’s tli’ goat doin’ in tli’ kitchen ?’’ Mrs Casey—“ Sure, an’ ain’t Maggie courtin’ in -tli’ parlor an’ Katie in th' sittin’-room ?’’

Nothing Dull About It,—“lt’s funny the way poets sneak of ‘dull care,’ isn't it?" “Why, wliat’s funny about that?" “Well, every car© I ever had was most awfully sharp.’'

Cora—“ How is it that when a man writes on© famous story he seldom writes another?” Merritt —“Because ho devotes the rest of his life to telling usTiow he came to write it."

Schoolmistress —“Johnnie, who was it that prompted you, then? I heard someone whisper that date to> you.’’

Johnnie —“Please, ma’am, I expect it was history repeatin’ itself again."

“Promise me that you will be Hue to me while I am away," said the youth to the object of his affections. She—‘T promise, but don’t make me break my word by staying away throe or four days." 4

Impartial Justice. —Northerner—-“ But I hope the negroes down here are not without th’ pale of the law, sir?’’ Southerner—“No, indeed, sail. Why, even th' hvmblest nigger that’s lynched, sah. gets an. inquest, sail.'’

Had Her .Own Impressions.—“ Year husband says he established his iiotel by honest toil," remarked the woman who hears all that is said m the \il!.ige. “Yes,” answered the tiuftd-looking woman; “but ho didn’t say whose toil, did he?"’

Applicant (to matrimonial agent)— “Can’t you show mo the photograph of that lady with twenty thousand pounds who wants to get married?" Agent—- " Oh. now, with such a dowry as that you can imagine how she looks without a photograph."

Her Curiosity.—“ Mrs Chellus looks bad, doesn’t she?’’ “Yes, and no wonder.’ She’s been awake every night for a week past.” “The idea. What was the matter?" “She discovered about a week ago that her husband talks in Ins sleep, and of course sire had to listen.”

An Affront-. —“In return for your courbasy in asking mo to lunch with you," said the magnate, dipping his 'fingers into the finger-bowl. “I am going to give you a tip." Honest Herbert. tiho struggling young man who was seeking to gain the favour of the great magnate. “Give the tip to the waiter, sir,” he replied.

Told It at Last.—“A woman can’t keep a secret,” declares the mere man. “Oh, I don’t know,” retorts the fluitery lady. “I've kept my age a secret since I was twenty-four.” “Yes; but one of these days- you will give it away. In time you will simply have to tell it. “Well, I think that when a woman has kept a secret for twenty years she comes pretty near knowing how to keep it. Lord Roberts (says the “Windsor Magazine’.') once found himself the centre of a circle of new friends in a London club. There was a vefvy tail gentleman present, who. evidently believing himself to shine as a wit, seized every opportunity of raising a lauglr at other people’s expense. On being introduced to Lord Roberts, the wit bent down patronisingly to Lord Roberts, and remarked: —“I have often heard of you, but” —shading his eyes with one hand, as though the \ animus general, being so small, could bo seen only with difficulty—“l have never seen you.” To this Lord Roberts promptly replied:— “1 have' often seen you, sir, but I have never heard of you.’ \ Tale of Chivalry. —In days of old, when knights were bold and barons were the stuff, a warrior grim, betliinking him that he could run his bluff, rode on his mailed steed up to the gate of the castle and thundered thereon with the butt of his lance. “What ho, within! ho shouted, haughtily. What ho, without!” was the answering cry of the warder. “I want to stay here all night, imperiously returned the stranger. No objection in the world to your doing so. although there's no accounting for tastes” replied the warder. “Stay there and welcome.” olooniy portal-arch, timing his footsteps to a march, the warder continued to march, low humming as he pased along the •precursor of some present-day rag-