HERE AND THERE.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1156, 27 April 1894, Page 11

HERE AND THERE.

CLIPPINGS, CONDENSATIONS AND COMMENTS. Some samples of latter-day American humour, collected by Mr Joseph Hatton and published in tho London People . "Plooae, sir," says Mary, tho hired help, M the man with tho wooer s bill has called again; what shall I say to him? "Tell him," ropliod Mr Grinder that I've bought a couple of bloodhound*, and will ho coll again to-morrow? - Ihoro a a tramp at tho door says ho has had nothing to eat for a weok," announces tho ofhco boy at tho Soaring Eagle Daily Liberator. " Brinf him in," replies tho editor, it ho can tell ushowhodoos it we can run this blamed paper for another six days. So you have fixed your wodding day," says Mrs Lakeside. ' What ministor is going to marry you?" "We've not yet decided," says Miss Rufflos. " Then lot mo recommend the Rev MrTyott; he's very nice." "You think he would give satisfaction?' " I'm sure of it," says Mrs Lakoside, " ho always marrios me, and always shall; I will never havo any othor minister."— "Tho lottors of Junius," said a cultured young lady of Boston, "I regard as tho most wonderful compositions in tho language." " Why, they don't bogin to compare with Jack Hardy's," replied the smart young gentloman from New York. Ho wroto a letter of condolenoo to a widow, and she took off her mourning-woeds right away." —You must understand pokor to approoiate a mistake that Briggs made recently in church. As a rulo, at poker money is represented by ivory chips, and tho word " raise" moans that you will bet higher than the provioas stake. It seems like " teaching your grandmother to suck eggs "to offer this explanation; but, aftor all, I supposo thero aro people in the world who never played the groat card-gamo of pokor. Briggs does not often go to churoh, but ho is an inveterate poker-player. Travors, knowing this and Ritting next to him, dropped an ivory chip into the plate. Briggs, with a cheerful if thoughtless alacrity, said, "Travors, I'll raieo you.'

An interesting contest between man and tho forces of nature, we read in Science Si/tings, is now going on in Europe : On tho shores of tho Baltic Soa thero aro large tracts of land which aro of no uso bocanso ef the moving dunes or sand hills that smother them. Efforts aro boing mado to put an end to these wanderings, and with so much success that it is believed tho worst district—between Nidden and Pilkopen—will, in a vmry few years, bo turned into firm land. Earth dredged up from harbours is spread on and mixed with tho sand of tho dunes, so as to produce a bed of about ten inches deed. In this layer are planted fir troe cuttings. By the time the roots have penetratod through the bed they are so strong that the sand undernoath cannot hurt or hinder their further growth. This singular phenomenon is observed, too, on the Pomeranian coasts, whore thore are tracts of sand dunes, heaped up by tho wind, hundreds of yards in breadth and from 60ft to 150 ft high. They movo stoadily in an easterly direction, propelled by the prevailing wind in Pomerania. Tho maximum angle which tho sand can assume is about 30deg. The spood at which the hills movo is at the rate of from 39ft to 56ft a year. It is said that pinowoods, which sometimes como in thoir line of march, cannot stop them, but aro completely destroyed by thorn. The branches are rotted off by tho sand, and nothing is left of the trees but the bare stems, which, after a few years, wither away and dio down. The ice plant has provod very useful in preventing sand encroachments at Wanganui and along the coast north of that place.

Brilliantly-clever conversationalists do not always shine at their best at a dinner party. Lady Jeuno, writing on " London dinner parties " in an American magazine, says:—

One generally finds tho ploasantost dinners are thoso composed of average people, for though a brilliant galaxy of guests gives a dinner a certain distinction, it is just as likely as not to be a dull one. I have a very vivid recollection of a dinner composed of people each of whom was distinguished in every sense of the word. A Primo Minis tor, two Cabinet Ministers, a distinguished solN dior, one of the greatest ooelosiastios of tho tiay,' a brilliant scientific man, a gi-eat journalist, a distinguished lawyer, aided to several agreeable and pretty women, made tip a dinner which at first sight seemed to • promise a rare feast of intellectual delight, but which one of tho guosts declared was tho dullest dinner ho had ever sat down to. One or two social "lions" are evidently ; bettor than a troop. Tho social "lion" evidently'does not care to roar in a crowd * of his fellows.

"The Political Future of Labour" is the title of an article in tho Nineteenth Century, by Mr T. 11. Threlfall, secretary of tho British Labour Electoral Association. He thus sums up the work so far achieved: —

Ten years ago there were not a dozen Labour representatives on public bodies, but to-day there are 1200; ton years ago there were no workmen Magistrates, but now there are over 70; ten years ago there were only two factory inspectors, but at the present moment there are over 30. Then, important concessions have been secured for the seafaring class; the Labour Department has been developed and workmen placed in responsible positions.thereon, the eight hours' system has been adopted in the great employing departments, and many other great advantages secured for Labour, all of which Labour has wisely accepted.

Mr Threlfall is a decided optimist. He foretells a tiirie when, instead of Liberals and Conservatives/we shall have" Labour " and " Progressives/' which is somewhat of an antithesis. He closes with a glowing prtfpbeoy : | Let me again repeat, " There is a glorious hope for the nation which has the wisdom to

uso its reserves." Tho faint-hearted need not fear for tho greatness of tho Empire. From the bonch and the workshop, from tho mine and the furnaco, from tho docks and tho fiolds, thore is coming a race of men who will maintain tho boat traditions of British liberty, aound tho death-knoll of war, striko with a merciless hand at all the social ovils and iniquities, and pass on to their children a greator, becauso a moro contented, Empire, and sot a glorious examplo to tho civilised nations of tho oarth. And it is one of tho most hopoful features of the prosont day that thero aro a considerable numbor of men of wealth, position and influonco who are eager to help forward tho great emancipation of tho people. Tho hosts of lahour give them a hoarty greeting. So mote it bo. TWO LOVERS. They had been engaged, but >ere now suffering from ono of those quarrols which sometimes ruffle the course of true love. They had not spoken for three days, and neither wished to be the first to yield. But with the hankering which afflicts murdorers and lovers with reference to tho scene of tho late unpleasantnoss, he called at the house on a trnmped-up business mission to her father. By chanco (?) sho answered his ring at tho door. Gathering himself, ho, with a cold, slow voice, begins the following dialogue:— Ho: Does Mr Dudley rosido horo ? She: Ho does. • Ho: Is he in ? She: Ho is not. Ho : Will ho bo in soon ? Sho: Ho will. He.': Thank you; I will call again. [Turns to goj Sho : Excuso mo, who shall I say called ? Yorkshire Weekly Post.

John Locke, the famous philosopher — who does not know " Locke on the Human Understanding" kept a pocket-book, in which ho entered all his disbursements. Some antiquarian has got hold of tho book and gives extracts therefrom in tho New Review. It shows the philosopher to be a kindly eminently human person. This, for instance: —

Paid Is 6d for a drum for littlo T. Stringor. Paid for playthings for littlo Stringor, 3s.

Hero is a curious list of vails, or gratuities to servants, at a great house in the seventeenth century:—

The keeper, 10s 6d; housekeeper, .£1; tho pantler (ono who had charge of tho bread and pantry, .£1; butler, £1 ; groom for the chair (sedan chair), <£l; coachman, «£1; groom, £1 ; two laundry maidos, .£1; under butler, 10s ; under groomo, 10s ; gardinor, 10s; postilian, 10s; porter, 10s; physic, 13s 6d.

A Mrs Crackanthorpo pleads in the Contemporary Review for kinder treatment of old people. A Frenchman onco declared tl at " old age is happy everywhere save in England," and Mrs Crackanthorpo further quotes him:— Your old, thoy never leave off complaining. With us it is not so. Thoy live with us. Thoy aro gay. Thoy aro not a burden. They sit and watch le jeu de la vie when thoy can no longer take a hand, and they are content and happy. With you thoy live apart and alone. Servants tend them. If thoy are rich thoy have tho extravagant joys of companions and lap-dogs. It is terrible.

Then Mrs Crackanthorpo tries to voice what sho calls " the root-idea underlying tho monotonous, often querulous, cry of the old":

Though their creature comforts aro well looked after, iniluonza and chills kept at bay, gout and rheumatism sovoroly doalfc with and dieted, they aro loft wholly to themselves. Thus their mental loneliness bocomes well-nigh intolerable. Quite conscious are they, too, that in tho eye 3 of their successors, who are so competent not only.to create a new heaven and new earth every first day of tho wook, but also to apply for the post of universal director should a vacancy occur, they have done their work badly. The younger generation has so pronounced, and from that thore is no appeal. And yot thoy fool that amid the thick darkness preceding tho advent of their young conquerors, thoy havo done their level best. What is the return they get ? Opon consuro, indeed, is not meted out to them ; they aro not deemed worthy of such serious treatment. Their return is of the nogative sort, good-humoured non-recogni-tion. They may bo a triflo tircsomo ; longwinded thoy certainly will be . . . yot not to be tender with those infirmities, to refuse to hearkon to them, to deal them out smiling indifference ... is simply heartless treatment.

An Australian parallel to Squeors' " dry polish," recommended to Nicholas Nickleby. Extract from a Coolgardio special to the Argus : —

Apropos of washing, I saw a curious sight—a digger, quite nude, standing at his tont door and, with tho utmost gravity, brushing himself all OYor with a olothesbrush.

Here is a picture of Patti, the greatest of all modern singers, when she was a girl in Vienna. It is taken from an article by a Br Hanslick in a German magazine:— About the same time (1862-3) one of tho most beautiful Italian voices resounded in Vienna for tho first time. Horiz Strakosch, her brother-in-law and teacher, introduced Hanslick to Adelina Patti. She was living with her father and her faithful companion in a small retired private house in the Klostergasse. She was not yet the diva of the two worlds, nor yet the grand dame of later years. When Hanslick entered, ho found her, a pale little girl in a red blouse, seated at tho window and stroking her littlo dog Cora. She saw few people, and was still a half-shy. half-undisciplined naturechild, exactly what the French call sauvaqe. She had no interest in anything outside tho

opera and her own parts , othor musicians wore interested in work* in which they had no part and in things which did not pertain to music entirely. Talking of Patti, we notice a leading American paper says her voice has gone for ever and she remains "an old, worn-out, greedy woman, to whom it is a marvel people pay such high prices to listen." CONQUEST'S CLIMAX. [Messrs Thomas Cook and Son announce a personally-conducted tour to Buluwayo.] Beneath ill-fortune's ban The Matabelo bonds; The work which Rhodes began To consummation tends. Defeated and undone, Tho foe we've had to lick Will soon be overrun By Harry, Tom and Dick!

They'll potter round his " roofs," In which tho gold abides, And his degraded chiefs Will act as tourist guides. A haughty tweed-clad band, In days now drawing near, Will scout his " mealies " and Abuso his laager boor!

Oh. Pity, ply your pon, In sentimental woo! The vanquished tribe of Ben Has fallen very Lo'. Completely brought to book, For hope it has no uso ; Cheap trips, it's sure, will Cook Tho Matabele goose! — London Fanny Folks.

M. Lo Fanu, in his " Recollections," gives many amusing examples of that strange animal, tho Irish bull: — In the Houso of Commons in 1795, during a debato on the leather tax, tho Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sir John Parnoll, observed " that in tho prosecution of tho present war every man ought to be ready to give his last guinea to protect tho remainder." Mr Vandolour said that" ho we vor that might be, a tax on leather would press heavily on tho barefooted peasantry of Ireland." To which Sir Robert Roche replied that this could easily bo removed by making tho undorleathers of wood. In speaking in favour of the union, ho said that ono of its effects would bo "that tho barren hills would becomo fertilo valleys."

Some opinions on tho dogma of eternal punishment by tho Rov Dr Momorie, in tho Fortnightly Review: —

In all agos and countries men havo sacrificed to the gods for gain, What is now

called Christianity has for its foundation pro-Christian Paganism and for its superstructure post-Christian motaphysics, the latter being, for tho most part, unintelligible In its simple form of propitiation by blood the orthodox Atonement is as vile as anything to bo found in heathendom. But tho addition to it of the doctrine of predestination makes it infinitely viler still. The two together constitute tho most savage supers ration which has ever oxisted in tho world. Tho god of orthodoxy is tho very wickedest being which it is possible for tho human mind to conceive. But his devotees ask no questions about his character. Thoy do not enquire into the legality of his " salvation." If thoy did, thoy would soon discover that to bo saved in such a way was equivalent to being morally lost. Morality, however, does not enter into their calculations. It is enough for them to believe that they are in danger, and that hero is a way of escape. I know it is sometimes said that tho sacrifico of Christ was necessary to satisfy tho divine justice. But tho god of orthodoxy has no justice to satisfy. To threaten eternal punishment for a temporal sin, to retaliate upon myriads of innocent men and women for tho disobedionco of a singlo pair, to accept one person's suffering as a set-off against anothor porson's sin—all this is injustico of the foulest dye."

Wo quote, but neither coincide with nor wholly approve of tho "Rov DrV opinions.

From New Zealand Herald :

Wo would have a deep suspicion of any man who, in an election contost, made much of character, either in bepraising himself or disparaging others. Manliness is an element of character. Every candidate should leavo tho electors to form their own opinion about his character. If wo could really havo saints, no doubt wo should bo better off than at present; but, as a matter of fact, wo should only havo men who pretended to bo saints, who would join hypoci'isy to their other vices, and who would havo all tho weaknesses of hypocrites!!

Ernest Ren an, tho great French writer, whoso " Life of Jesus," made such a great stir, has a posthumous article in tho French Revue des Deux Mendes entitled "Tho Jews Under the Roman Domination." It is chiefly remarkable for an attempted " whitewasliing "of Herod's character. The Review of Reviews boils down M. Renan's article as follows :

During a certain period of his life Herod developed extraordinary qualities as ruler and organiser, indeed ho was at one time styled the socond Solomon. To the surprise, and not altogether to tho satisfaction of the Jews, ho re-constructed the Temple, beginning in the year 19 b.c, a work not completed for eight years. He also built a theatre, a amphitheatre, and a circus, and was the first to introduce into Jerusalem combats between men and wild beasts. The worship of Augustus had become the fashionable religion injthe Roman provinces, but Herod, bold though he was, never dared to elevate a pagan temple in Jerusalem, but at Cassarea and in several other towns outside Palestine ho caused edifices to bo raised in honour of the now-made god. In Jorusalem, tho buildings erected by him wore of finely wrought marbles, and of his fortifications, tho Tower of Hippicua remains to this day to show what he did for the town. Herod also restored Samaria under tho new name of Sobasto. On one occasion ho sent out Alius Gallus on what wo should now call an armed scientific expedition to Arabia; and the ruler's ideas ana achievements, his splendours and his triumphs are wonderfully described by M. Kenan.

Jlorod was certainly like Solomon in one respect —ho " owed liis downfall to women." Ho was married ton times, and is known to have been the father of at least fifteen children. As ho grew old his great marble palace becamo a hell; and he spent his time in seeing his one-time favourites and slaves tortured to death. His two sons, children of Marianne, were strangled by his orders, and when he know he was dying he spent all his timo in devising what he could do to make terrible the coming day of his death by ordering a general massacre of tho Jews. Thus wo cannot wonder that the day of tho monarch's death was put down in Israel's album as a day of joy; but M. Renan declares that tho stories which connect him with having ordered the massacro of tho Innocents are apocryphal; ho points out that the Saviour was not vot born when Herod tho Great died at Joricho, leaving behind him an imperishable name fcr powor, strange achievements and fantastic wickedness.

It is rathor hard to bo buried twice. Yet this was the oxperienco of an old woman at Locle, Switzerland. She was in hor 77th year, and had already been carried to her grave half a century ago, when she was a young 1 woman. Sho had fallen into a corpse-like lethargy after a long illness, was given up for dead and laid in tho coffin, and it was not until tho funeral procession had begun to start for tho churchyard that sho gavo any sign of life. Tho motion seems to have roused hor. Sho awoke, and was liberated from her coffin only just in timo, and enjoyed fifty years of sound health after hor timely resurrection.

Did you hoar or read before of a " beerometor "? In a collection of pottery, which has boon made by|Ja Brighton inliabitant, there is a largo mug, dating from tho last century, called tho "Staffordshire Boeroniotcr," upon which is a representation of a tube of mercury, with tho following degrees of intoxication>nd sobriety against it:—

0 Had nothing to-day. 3 Had nothing sinco Breakfast. 5 Sober. 7 Sober as I am now ; has had 5 quarts

among three. 10 Sober as a judge. 15 Consarned in Liquor ; has had a drink. 20 Market Fresh ; has had a drop. 25 Fresh ; worse for liquor. 30 Drunk without but sober within. 35 As sober as a man ought to bo ; knows

what ho is about. 40 Disquisod in liquor. 45 Drunk. 50 Drunk as a Lord.

A week or two ago wo learnt by a cable that a German officer who had been in command at tho Cameroons, West Coast of Africa, had been recalled for having ordered tho flogging of certain native women. Mr GeorgeJAugustus Sala supplies some particulars of the outrage in a recent article in tho London Sunday Times: — Tho dark ladies reputed to be Dahomeyan Amazons who havo been recently on exhibition at divers metropolitan and provincial music-halls must bo on tho whole rather pleased that they have for a season bidden adieu to their native Africa, and in particu* lar thoy must rejoice that they were not resident at tho Cameroon at the period when an energetic sub-governor at tho romote settlemont thought tit to enact tho part o" the lato Field-Marshal Haynau in his treatment of tho softer sox. Thoro wore a hundred and fifty black soldiers at the Cameroons, mostly Dahomeyans, who had their wives with them. Whether these ladies were troublesome has not yet been stated, but it scorns to be certain that tho German sub-governor caused about twenty of these wretched women to bo stripped, laid across barrels and flogged. Thereupon the black troops mutinied, and about a hundred of them mado a raid on Government House. The officials were at dinner at tho timo, and the mutinoers, rushing into the room, fired point-blank at tho Judge, and killed him on the spot. It appears that they mistook him for the subgovernor —a clear case of shooting at the pigeon and killing tho crow. The mutinoers were subsequently vanquished by a force of German marines landed from a gunboat with the sweotly-appropriato name of tho Hyena. Two of the mutineers and threo women afterwards surrendered, and all five were promptly hanged by tho Germans.

Paganini, for giving an audience a bit of his mind once, had to fly for his life. In Ferrara he had asked'* dancer to fill in the time between twojsolos with a dance. The audience applauded, only somebody in the gallery whistled. When Paganini came on he announced that he would give some imitations of different birds, which liq did. But before ho finished he advanced to the footlights and produced some marvellous " hee-haws "on his violin. " That's for the whistlers," he said, and the gallery, furious, dashed downstairs, broke into the orchestra, climbed on to the stage, and Paganini fled out of a back door and left Ferrara there and then to save himself from an infuriated mob. It has long been known that many of the British aristocracy are taking to trade. The Marquis of Shrewsbury and the Earl of Durham are both well-known colliery owners, and carts bearing their noble names retail the coal all over London. Now comes the information that the now Premier is in the milk trade. A writer in a London paper gives the following gossip:—

Accidentally the other day I cam© upon the interesting information that Lord Rosebory, like Lord Rayleigh, is in the milk trade. Unlike Lord Rayleigh, howovor, ho carries on his business in private, or rather under the shadow of other people's names. Lord Eosebery is probably one of the largest milksoilers in London. Since taking to the

milk line, he has found it so profitable tha ho has oxtonded hia trade in all direction!. Wherever a milk-walk, or, as thoy now call thorn, a dairy, is in tho market, thoro is Lord Itoscbofy ready to buy. His agents havo authority to buy up every dairy they can got hold of, provided tho price bo reasonable. Thoy koop on buying, and in duo time Lord Rosebery will booomo a monopolist. But ho is not extravagant in his pretensions to become Farmor-Goneral of Milk to Her Majesty's subjects. He is content with a modest 10 per cent, on his invested capital. His dairies are worked by managors. When a dairy has earned 10 per cent, tho balanco of tho profit becomes the manager's.

The latest schoolboy story, from London Daily Chronicle :

A doctor in Brixton asks whothor tho London School Board is roally doing its duty to tho rising generation. Take his own experience. The other day ho ongaared a boy as " buttons," and impressed upon him tho necessity of showing tho greatest politeness to all ladies and gentlemen who oallod at the surgery. What, then, was his astonishmont when tho lad usherod in an elderly gentloman with tho curt announcement, "Smith.** When the patient retirod, tho doctor, in wrath, soizod "buttons," and, shaking him, cried " You young rascal, didn't I tell you to put on your boat manners when patients callodP Why did you say ' Smith,' liko a street boy, instead of 'Mr* Smith?" "Please, sir, answered tho youth, " I didn't know he was married!'* "That boy,'* adds the doctor, had passed tho seventh standard in a Board School, had taken a prize in geometry, and vot didn't know that a bachelor is called * Mr * as well as a married man!"

Is there anything idea of a special diet for litoraryjinon ? In a recent Strand Magazine tho late Sir Andrew Clark gives tho following dietary for brain workers :

On first waking in the morning, sip a glass of hot water, followed by a brisk general towelling. Clotho loosely and warmly. Breakfast—-Whole-meal bread or toast and butter, with eggs or frosh fish or cold chicken or fresh tongue. Towards tho oloso of meal, half a pint of black China tea, not infused over five minutes. Breakfast near oightas possible, that you may havo a long forenoon's work. Lunch should resemble a nursery dinner —fresh meat, bread, potato, well-boiled green vegetable, and milk pudding or cooked fruit. Sip a glass of plain, fresh-filtered wator. This should bo tho chief meal of tho day.

Tho Dr Schweninger who " graciously •' permitted Prince gßismarck to visit his Imperial master is a noted " anti-fat H physician. He has made himself famous for his treatment of corpulency. His recipe is a simple one. Never eat and drink at tho same time. Two hours should elapse between each operation.

Some curious facts about domestic service in Brazil are brought out in a consular report from Rio Grande de Sul. Servants will not sleep in the house as a rule, but expect to leave at seven at night, and not return till seven or eight tho next day. As a result, " some houses have a pane of glass in ono of tho windows taken out, through which tho baker and the milkman pass their goods on thoir early morning rounds, without troubling a member of the family to got up and open tho door/'

Tho London Musical Standard gives the following selection from the answers contributed by tho boys of a choir school at Eastbourne to a paper of questions on general information : * Tho five leading daily papers were declared Latin, arithmetic, geography, French and history; J. P. meant Jam rot; D. D. Dick Davies ; the singular of scissors was blades ; a layman was a man who workod; a famous living general was General Booth; gunpowder was invented by Guy Fawkes; " The Rodemption " was written by Meddlejohn (Mendelssohn).

Tho population of Chicago:— American, 292,463; German, 884,958; Irish, 215,534 ; Bohemian, 54,209; Polish, 52,750; Swedish, 45,877; Norwegian, 44,015; English, 33,785; French, 12,903; Scotch, 11,927; Welsh, 2960; Russian, 9977; Danes, 9891; Italians, 9921; Hollanders, 4912 ; Hungarians, 4827 ; Swiss, 2732 ; Roumanians, 4350 ; Canadians, 6984 ; Belgians, GB2 ; Greeks, 694; Spanish, 292; Portuguese, 34; East Indians, 28; West Indians, 37 ; Sandwich Islanders, 31; Mongolians, 1217.—Total, 1,208, 609. A mixed crowd! Beautiful specimen of ambiguity culled from a Victorian religious paper: — As an example of the good fruit which the Rev. ten years' ministry has borne, it is gratifying to note that the population of the parish has increased from 3500 to 7000. Here are some prices ot postage stamps in London the other day:—A Madrid stamp, two reals (red), .£2O; a Geneva double stamp (unused), .£22; a Roumanian 108 paras (blue on pink), .£l7; a disused English black penny stamp, £B.

Mr John Dillon, M.P., writing to a friend now in Westport, under date Dublin, February 3rd, says:—"Davitt is meditating a trip to Australia and New Zealand soon, but he has not yet settled on the time. I shall let you know the moment he does definitely settle. I hope all my Auckland friends are well. There is not a country in tho world in whose future I take a wanner interest than in that of New Zealand. Somehow from the first night I landed in Auckland I felt as if I were at home, and the longer I stayed the more attached I became to the country and tho people." An average of 26,000 letters are, it la stated, posted daily in England without addresses,