THE BONELESS BURGLAR.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1095, 24 February 1893, Page 9

THE BONELESS BURGLAR.

By Eden Phillpotts.

John Higgs, of Seven Dials, London, was a bold bad burglar. Jean Higgisenno, well-known at all the principal music-halls of the metropolis, astonished the world in the capacity of a ‘ boneless wonder.’ Allowing for such subtle improvements on a very English name —nobody would care two straws about a boneless wonder or any other wonder called Higgs—allowing, I say, for these Continental embellishments, the reader will doubtless congratulate himself on discovering that Higgs and Higgisenno, that the burglar and the boneless one were identical. Now, England is well off in the matter of burglars, ranging from the paltry pilferer of an umbrella to the powerful, midnight, armed variety. Our beloved country has also, its just proportion of ‘ boneless wonders/ though, as compared with the other recognised social industry, they are in a considerable minority. This will be clear to the veriest tyro in the study of human nature or human anatomy. Any person can take what does not belong to him; but to twist the head halfway down the back, drink over the shoulder from a glass resting on the foot, tie the legs and arms in sailor’s knots, and generally behave in a limp and diabolical manner—such gifts as these belong only to the genius and double-joints of a boneless wonder. Both callings have their advantages. As far as applause, fame, the admiration of the mob, and acknowledgments in contemporary literature went, Higgisenno had the best of it; but for solid gain, true excitement, and the discriminate praise of those select few who made up the circle of his bosom friends, Higgs won in a canter. Crime invariably brings with it its own reward ; and after any particularly brilliant stroke of business John felt this to be very true. But burglary like literature, although a first-rate stick in clever hands, makes, for the most part, an indifferent crutch. By a clever manipulations of both callings, however, Mr Higgs had for many years contrived to keep himself in comfort, nay, in posi-

tive luxury. But this balmy period of our hero’s life came to an end. Fortune’s wheel always takes a twist sooner or later, from bad to good, or vice versa,; and with John Higgs it, was, unfortunately, vice verstt Mistakes, of course, will happen. And unforeseen circumstances placed him within the clutches of the law, and once more the renowned little man appeared in print—not as the boneless wonder, but a bold, bad burglar; not in the music-hall organs, but in police reports. Twelve months of durance vile was the result; and after this partial obliteration, we find the professor, at the beginning of our story, in his peaceful home once more, with his funds low, his prospects very blank.

As we enter No. 6£, Angel Alley, Seven Dials, Mr Higgs himself is the first thing of interest our eyes light upon. He is seated at a small table in the one tumbledown little apartment he calls home. There is no fire in the room, but warmth is obtained from a pot of Mr Higg’s favourite beverage standing on the table. A small square of looking glass and a handpainted picture of Higgisenno as he appeared in his celebrated impersonation of ‘ The Jumping Frog ’ are the only adornments of the chamber; while two battered tin cases, holding the professor’s theatrical wardrobe, and a tumbled bed on the ground in a corner, constitute the sole remaining furniture in it. The owner of this small assortment of rubbish was a skinny little man, with a small head—a decidedly bad head, phrenologists would say—prominent ears and lips, a great lack of nose and forehead, with corresponding development of the most undesirable bumps to be found on Mr O’Dell’s chart. Close cropped hair, small black eyes, large hands and feet, with seedy and scanty vesture, are the only other points about his person worth mentioning ; and when we add to this description a fondness for tobacco, spirits, and expletive, all the attractive physical and moral attributes of Mr John Higgs are before the reader. His friends accounted him a ‘ sharp cove, hard as nails, ugly as sin :’ and we cannot improve on their forcible word-painting. Something very unpleasant is, from his expression, occupying the ‘sharp

Cove’s ’ mind at present, and if we read with him the advertisement in his theatrical paper a clue will soon be furnished us. ‘ Injirubberos! The Malayan Mystery! The Only Real Boneless Human Being in the World.’ Yes, with terrible disgust Mr Higgs learned from his acquaintances that the so-called ‘ Injirubberos —a huge black importation, really brought from South Africa—was literally taking the bread out of the acrobatic gentlemen’s mouths in all directions. The ‘ Malayan Mystery ’ gave his entertainment at three different music halls every night; and Mr Higgs, who spent the evening after our introduction to him in critically examining his powerful rival, was bound to confess that he had more than met his match, * though,’ added the vanquished, after some powerful expressions, ‘ what they want with a dirty black heathen when they can get their own countrymen, I’m blowed if I know.’ Higgisenno—plain John Higgs for the future—realised accordingly that he was faii'ly beaten on his boneless merits, and that, therefore, there remained nothing more for this branch of his accomplishments but poverty or the provinces. A cockney to the pliable backbone, he turned with horror from any thoughts of leaving his old haunts with their hundred sweet memories. There was the Edgware road adventure, when a ’bus knocked him over; and, when scrambling to his feet, more frightened than hurt, he received a choice shower of shillings and sixpences. Then there was that interesting crossing in the City, conducted so ably by him for a a fortnight, during the temporary absence, under lock and key, of its proprietor. Then when he grew older, how he learned to love that dingy alley, leading from the Strand, up which he fled after stealing his first pocket handkerchief 1 There was also that never-to-be-forgotten spot outside the Gaiety pit door, where ‘ Signor ’ something or other had seen him tumbling in his Arab days, and had taken him in hand; there were his favourite public— But enough; nothing could induce Mr John higgs to leave town. His career as a public entertainer, therefore was nipped in the bud ; or, at all events indefinitely suspended. Then, how about burglary, the other string to his bow 1 In this direction, too, thanks to the scandalous and increasing license given in these irreveren times to the police, poor Higgs felt there was small promise. His'instruction had been in the plain straightforward methods of taking his neighbour’s goods, but the housebreaker’s art improves day by day, like all the other money-making schemes to which men give their minds. Surely there is many a sharper ‘ cracksman ’ than Jack Sheppard could ever claim to be amongst us now. They don’t break out of unheard-of dungeons and prison cells certainly, for they take very good care never to be caught at all So Mr Higgs had to advance with the times, to become less conservative, and to think for himself. It was the spending of his last shilling that did it. Like other geniuses before him,, while money was in his purse John thought seldom of the future ; but, with that last shilling gone, and poverty at the door, the little man set his mind to work, and, like lightning, there came the inspiration which will hand his name down famous to all posterity. This great idea will be found in the title of my story. John Higgs, a clever acrobat and daring housebreaker, now resolved to unite these accomplishments, and, as a ‘ Boneless Burglar,’ to begin life once again. Samuel Curly and his brother Seth —your true British vagabond has invariably a good old Bible name—were the tried and trusted ‘ pals ’ of John Higgs. Seth was one of those quiet, meeklooking men who sneak about the outskirts of all large towns, engaged in ratcatching, bird-snaring, or some other of those innocent-sounding occupations which always carry something behind them, and which earn for the possessor the premier position in any irate game-keeper’s vermin list. Samuel was a cobbler who never cobbled, but lead an exciting risky existence, similar to his brother; while the leader of this pleasing trio, John Higgs, we already know something about. These three had gone through fire and water together many a time, as well as through several other places equally exciting and more remunerative. They hai all experienced reverses, too, and had each just completed the same pressing twelve months’ engagement.

To the brothers Curly did Higgs accordingly repair with his new idea, and their interest was supreme as he unfolded his plans. Finally, the inspirationwas voted brilliant though dangerous, but, on the whole, well worth developing.

Seth Curly knew the brother of an under-gardener at a large house near Woolwich, and, ‘ from information received,’ he considered no establishment, would be found better fitted on which to make a trial than Mr Sprout’s. John decided that the experiment could not be made too soon, and fixed upon the following Saturday night for action. The owner and inhabiter of the of this doomed dwelling was, as Seth Curly knew well, a credulous and very weak-minded man. He believed, in ghosts, second-sight, spirit-warning, Satanic sign-manuals, vampires, and so forth. Possessed of ample private means, he passed his bachelor-life in reading works which related to his subjects, nearly frightening himself into fits, writing copiously and idiotically about things he conld not understand, and, altogether, leading an inoffensive and imbecile existence. He was called Timothy Arthur Sprouts; and a man with a name like that might very well believe, say, or do anything. Timothy Arthur was reading a work on the doctrines of Pythagoras. He could, of course, neither understand nor appreciate the teachings of the great heathen philosopher, but vaguely meandered through page after page, and, on the important Saturday night fixed upon by Higgs and his friends, was deep in the original theories of transmigration, while, impatiently watching his light from the shrubs below, lurked the three conspirators. ‘Very funny,’ yawned Timothy, closing his book, ‘ to think that the life in me might once have been a shark, or a donkey, or anything—very funny ! 0, there’s a great deal in transmi-mi-gration.’ Then he went sleepily up stairs to bed ; and, after allowing two hours for him to sink into slumber, the burglars began their operations. Seth and Samuel Curly were clad in the rough ‘ reefer ’ coat, with huge pockets, which one always associates with the oldfashioned housebreaker; but Higgs was wrapped in a long dark-coloured ulster, under which he wore the tightfitting costume of one of his most famous impersonations; while, carefully folded up, he had stowed away in pocket the large mask which corresponding headgear. His plan was simply this. After having obtained an entrance. to leave boots, coat, and hat outside with his accomplices, and do the ordinary business in the ordinary manner; but, if alarmed or detected, instantly to assume the mask and pose of whatever boneless character' lie intended to represent. Timothy Arthur owned a grandmother, and he was peacefully dreaming that the old lady had died and returved to earth in the material garb of a blackbeetle, when a loud crash put an end to his beautiful vision and his sleep together. He arose, struck a light, and nervously prepared to institute an inquiry as to the origin of this startling sonnd, which, echoeing through the stilness of the night, had awakened the entire household. Robing hastily, he sallied forth, and encountered on the mat outside his door two footmen and the butler in different picturesque stages of undress; while matrons—as cook and housekeeper—and maids, appertaining to the scullery, parlour and other departments, turned the staircase which led to their domains into a sort of funny domestic parody on Jacob's ladder. The butler informed his master that something was a-smashing something else down-stairs.’ Nobody doubted this for a moment, and at the head of a long and trembling procession, poor Sprouts crawled down towards the lower regions of his house, carrying a life-preserver in one hand, a candlestick in the other. The butler came next armed with a poker, the footman also trusted to fire-irons; while their female rear-guard followed at a distance, armed to the teeth with water-jugs, hair-brushes, towel-horses, and other articles, all equally well calculated to inspire the ordinary burglar with terror. The dining room was entered, explored, and found to be empty; the library was also ‘ drawn blank ; ’ and with increasing courage the party prepared to examine the drawing-room—a large, richly-furnished chamber, but

seldom used. Mr Sprouts threw open the door, and—well, it certainly was a nasty tiling to stumble upon in the middle of the night. On the top of the piano, immediately in front of the explorers, there squatted a huge, bloated frog as big as a Newfoundland dog. The creature on being discovered raised itself on its front paws, tilted up a hideous misshapen head, opened a gaping mouth and two great yellow eyes, then giving a clumsy jump, left its perch and alighted with a thud at Timothy’s feet. Talk about a stampede ! A confused mass of fire irons, candlesticks, and other bed-room furniture littered the hall in a moment, while the whole valiant crew, after a terrified struggle up the dark staircase, found themselves one and all in their several rooms with locked doors.

‘ A case of the Pythagorean doctrine, clearly,’ stuttered Sprouts to himself, as he pushed half the contentsof his bedchamber against the door, lighted three candles and paused to reflect. ‘A case of the Pythagorean doctrine before my very eyes, and an extremely unpleasant one. If,’ he continued, ‘ there’s any member of my family who could have developed after death into a green toad that size, it’s my brother George.’

The said green toad, meanwhile, had become strikingly human in appearance, had laughed a quiet but very human laugh, had struck a match, listened intently for some moments, and then, lighting a lantern, had begun with great expedition to fill a sack with a collection of silver plates and ntjier valuable trifles, none of which could have been of any possible use to a green toad. Presently the little monster raises and removes his massive head, beneath which is disclosed another set of expressive features, hardly less unclassical or hideous than the last, but clearly belonging to our friend John Higgs. He doubles up and pockets his mask; then, with a heavy sack upon his back, glides cautiously from the room down the stair which leads to the kitchens. His booty is handed through the open window in the back premises to the eager Curlys, and Higgs, after a fruitless attempt to discover the wine-cellar, enters the larder, collects as much as he can comfortably carry inside and out, and then joins his companions. Boots and coat are quickly put on, and the three start across the fields for home and safety.

It is improbable that Pythagoras ever imagined the study of his theory of his existence would, some day, materially aid a nineteenth century burglar. Yet so it was. The thought of thieves had never once entered Mr Sprouts head, and it was not until the following morning, when the household had risen, that this student of demonology realised he had been robbed.

In due time the police arrived, ransacked both house and garden, and asked for any details which might assist them. But there were none forthcoming. Nobody was going to talk to Deteetive Cox about a green toad with red spots on it; absurd ! And the notion was absurd, undoubtedly, by daylight. As the butler afterwards said in confidence to Mr Sprouts, 'All of as has a reputation for sobriety, as the recitation of them terrible adventures would knock on the head completely ! ’ A search showed that the robbers had accidently upset in the drawingroom a large glass globe of water, which, falling had smashed to atoms, and strewn the floor with corpses of gold and silver fish, water-spiders, and other unpleasant creatures. ‘ Did none of yer ’ear this thing come down 1 ’ asked a policeman of the servants.

‘ I half-fancied I heard a sound last night late,’ answered the butler, with a look of joyful inspiration, as if the whole mystery was now unravelled. Every one else, of course, had to lie, too, and the police were—for the first time in their lives, one and all absolutely vowed—without a clue. The broken window in the scullery was discovered, and half a fowl upon the grass outside it; though these led to nothing but a startling but a startling theory propounded by Mr Sprouts himself, that the whole business might possibly have been the work of some wild animal—a monkey (he bad lately been reading Edgar Poe), a dog with more than its fair share of instinct, or even a cat.

But, as half the valuable nioknacks in his state-room had disappeared

Timothy’s argument was speedily proved untenable. Upon his domestics being suspected, he observed he himself would go surety for their innocence; so the law retired for the present, completely baffled, to make enquiries among a certain class of its London friends.

There was joy that afternoon at No. 6|, Angel Alley—a calm, peaceful joy, which always follows the satisfactory completion of any great work. John Higgs, as he sat reading the papers, soon knew all about the particularly daring burglary near Woolwich; but there was no mention of a large green monster in any of the reports, and as he felt the lion’s —or rather the toad's—share of profits in his pocket, visions of a bright and active future opened before him, and he smiled contentedly. No less than five times did the versatile little man repeat his bold trick, ably assisted on each occassion by the Curly qrothers. On two of these midnight raids his disguises had been unnecessary, but when John was discovered, his hideous appearance always instantly cleared the course. One wealthy old maiden lady had nearly fallen in a fit at the sight of a weird little black fiend, with only one leg, and great red wings ; while several other persons had been equally scared. But in every case did the nervous, weak-minded victims, whose houses were invariably selected, carefully abstain from revealing the strange sights they saw, fearing much too acutely the ridicule and unbelief which they thought must nndoubtedly follow any such confessions. This bold trade upon sensitive nerves paid Messrs John, Seth, and Samuel very well; indeed, visions of a small public house and respectable middle age already filled the mind of Mr Higgs, when Nemesis, long delayed, came down upon him and his campanions. Judge Tozer was a red-faced, profane, Anglo-Indian, who believed in nothing human or devine, except his liver. It was a grave error of judgment to make any attempt upon a heuse with such a master as the judge ; but their unqualified successes, combined with rumours of costly Indian treasures to urge them on this rash undertaking, which one and all agreed should be the last. It was the last.

To be brief, about three o’clock in the morning of one day in December, Judge Tozer was roused from his sleep by the furious barking of a little terrier which he always allowed to wander about his mansion at night. A thorough bred little animal this, which would as soon have thought of barking without a cause as he would of going to sleep or flying; and more useful, the judge said, than all the electric rubbish and ‘ burglar’s horrors ’ in the world. Hastily robing, the startled Tozer snatched up a walking stick and bundled downstairs.

A bright moon shot long shafts of grey light through the stained glass of two lofty hall windows, and in this dim illumination stood, or rather hung suspended, a figure which might very well have caused any human being to fly terrified; a large, hump-backed creature, clinging with one bony hand to a tall hat-rack, and pointing with the other straight at judge Tozer. Strange phosphorescence glowed on its face, which resembled that of a dead Chinaman, while the lower part of the figure was either lost in shadow or else entirely wanting. This apparition remained motionless, with its jaw fallen and its great almond shaped eyes fixed upon the judge, who amazedly returned the look and rubbed his own eyes hard, to make sure he was in reality awake.

Satisfied of this the heroic man hurled himself boldly upon the spectre, seizing its skinny throat and laying hold of its long black pigtail. A pesperate struggle followed in which the hat-rack fell with a crash, and in which —extraordinary transformation ! —the deathlike head, pigtail, and very shoulders of his antagonist came off in the judge’s hands. By dint of frantic efforts, however, he managed to secure one thin wiry arm made of real flesh and blood, to which he clung like a leech, turn and writhe as it would. Such an encounter between two such men generated a perfect atmosphere of profanity, and the conflict was at its height when Seth and Samuel appeared at one end of the hall, while at the same moment two footmen with lights came rushing down the staircase five or six steps at a time. To their everlasting shame be it spoken, the Curlys fled like one man, leaving their leader to surrender, which

he immediately did, and emerged from the ruins of his impersonation, dishevelled, panting, and nearly strangled, with a dozen dog bites in each leg. A moment afterwards thundering double knocks at the front door told that this wild disturbance had attracted public attention, and ‘enter ’ two triumphant policemen, each with a Curly. By some extraordinary coincidence these preservers of peace had for once been in the right place at the right moment; and our wily brothers, hard pressed, as they imagined, had dropped over the garden wall of Judge Tozer’if premises into the hands—in fact, almost on to the heads—of the law. There is little more to be told. An exceedingly humorous trial followed, in which Mr Higgs, with an eye to posthumous fame, confessed all, explained every detail, and concluded by offering to give the court illustrations. The jumpin’frog ” were the best of all; “ the one-legged fiend ” warn't bad for old ladies; but that cussed “ ’urapbacked mandarin ” bust the ’ole thing 1’ With these words the trial virtually ended. After their arduous labours a grateful country granted ten years’ rest and retirement to the illustrious trio. What more pleasing region for such a holiday than Devonshire? What most delightful district than Dartmoor ? And what more charming, unsophisticated spot than Princetosvn, in the heart thereof. John Higgs, the boneless burglar, is there now.