Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 998, 17 April 1891, Page 7

Humorous.

A millionaire has a large will power. Eve took only one apple ; Adam would have shaken the tree. Kind words never die; unkind words never die either. The world is full of people who tire themselves to death in looking for rest. Argument is often introduced to establish falsehood. It tabes few words to make truth convincing. ‘ What kind of a wife did Smith get ? Did he marry into the 400 V ‘ Yes, his wife has 399 relatives, and all poor.’ ‘ I plead guilty, sah,’ said the coloured culprit, ‘ but I make a strong rekmendashun, sah, to de mercy ob the Court.’ The people who cannot keep good resolutions are the very people of all others who keep making them. If we could only see ourselves as others see us, the probability is that most of us would look the other way. The devil has found out that the easiest way for him to get some people is to let them have their own way for a while. Nobody has faith enough in human integrity to believe that the man who guesses his conundrum has never heard it before. * I guess Minnie is going to be married soon,’ said Ella. * Why?’ asked Clara. 1 Because I see she has started a scrap-book of cooking receipts. Why is your hat like a baby ? Because one you wear and the other you were. • * Did Miss Smith receive any valuable presents on her wedding-day V * Yes, one—a new name.’ M’Corcle— ‘ Jaysmith calls him a selfmade man.’ M’Crackle—‘Well, no one who knows him will dispute the assertion.’ A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes under the melifluous appellation of 4 male and female envelopes.’ Cora Bellews— * I believe you would be true to a wife.’ Jake Jimpson (delightedly)— 4 Oh, do you think so ?’ Cora (yawning) —‘ Yes, You would never leave her.' She (poetic, gazing at the sunset) —‘ Just look at the exquisite colour of yonder floating cloud.’ He (practical)—‘Yes. It looks just like a skipned rabbit, doesn’t it V When the average young man says frankly, ‘ I can’t afford it.’ you will usually find on investigation that it is something his wife wants, and not something that he wants himself. ‘ What became of that Samuels girl that Potterby was flirting with last summer ?’ You mean the girl that Potterby thought he was flirting with. She married him.’ Hope can make the point of a needle look as big as a dinner plate, but when we run against it we experience the sharpness of disappointment. The Persians have this curse, which Las come down to them from former generations, * May tu s face be turned upsidedown and Jackasses sit upon his Uncle’s grave. Chappie—What ! Don’t you remember Chollie ? It was he who had the beautiful dog down at the hotel last summer. Maud —Ah ! I remember him now. What became of the dog? Not an Amateur.—Editor-in-chief —Is that new man good for anything ? Managing editor—He is evidently an old and experienced journalist. His first editorial begins : * The political pot has begun to boil.’ And the Big Man Stood No Chance.—Aunt Rachel Yes, I like him well enough, Jerusha; but how did you ever happen to marry a man a head shorter than you are ? Niece —I had to chose, auntie, between a little man with a big salary and a big man with a little salary. ‘ I was dressing Gustave this morning when he struck me in the face,’ complained the maid. ‘ With which hand ?’ asked the mother agitatedly- * With the left.’ ‘lt does beat all. Will that boy never leave off his awkward habit of using his left hand ?’ Sandy (who prides himself on his perfect English)— ‘ Man, I wasna five meenutes in London tull I wis telt I wis a Scotchman. Ay, ay. Words wull slip, ye ken. Words wull slip, ye ken. Works wull slip !’ At a lecture of Bayard Taylor’s a lady wished for a seat, when a portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. ‘ Oh,’ you’re a jewel,’ said she. ‘Oh no,’ he replied, ‘ I’m a jeweller; I have just sot the jewel.’ ‘ Well, Tommy, I am giad to see you are getting along so much bettor at school,’ said that young man’s uncle. ‘ You have gone a whole week without being whipped, haven’t you ?’ * Yes, sir; teacher’s got a lame shoulder.’

Perhaps the moßt trying experience in the career of a maiden who has passed the first blush of romantic girlhood is when she braces herself to meet the shock of a proposal of marriage from somo man, and the shock doesn’t come.

* I thought you were going to marry Mias Goldwaite, Charley. Haven’t you had some aspirations in that line ?’ ‘I had, but it was no go. Her family were all opposed to it.’ * Well, but if the girl herself ’ ‘ I said all the family. She was one of them.’ Tommy ‘Say, Tubby, wanter join our theatricals ?’ Tubby (delighted)— ‘ You bet I do.’ Tommy— ‘ All right; come round to the barn to-night. We’re going to play “ A Moonlight Crime,” an’we want you t’ stick your head over a fence.’ Tubby— ‘ What for V Tommy— 1 The moon/ Ethel ‘ When angels come upon earth, mamma, are they in disguise?’ Mamma—- * Yes, dear. Why do you ask ?’ Ethel—- * Because I heard Cousin Frank say to papa this morning that you were an angel; and papa said perhaps you were, but that you must be one in disguise.’ Children, when sent messages, have their own way of asking things. A small boy, for instance, was on one occasion sent by a woman to buy a needle for her; and, besides impressing upon him the fact that the needle was to have a large eye, she also told him that he would get some sweets if the message was performed smartly. The youngster did not forget his orders, but rather electrified the shopkeeper when he shouted out breathlessly, ‘ Please, I want a needle for a woman with a big eye in a hurry !’