QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 860, 24 August 1888, Page 7

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

The Amateurs.—Suburban Roscius : 1 Ah, I saw you were at oar “Theatricals” the other night. How did you like my assumption of Hamlet?' Candid Friend: ‘My dear f’llar—greatest piece of assumption I ever saw i’m’ life ! ’—Punch.

An Unsatisfactory Mixture.—Customer : ‘ Here is your sugar back. I don’t want it' Grocer: * What’s the matter with it ? ’ Customer : ‘ Too much sand for table use and not quite enough for building purposes. —Texas Siftings.

A Consulting Fact.—‘Oh, dear?’ sighed Mrs B. , with toothache. ‘Why can’t people be born without teeth ? ’ ‘lf you will reflect a moment, my dear,’ replied Mr B , ‘ you will be convinced that such is tho fact.’ The Old Order Changetb,—Todeson (who has grown his moustache, dropped his G’s, and got into Society again) : * Fact is, Society’s gettin’ much too mixed, Duchous. It’s not amusin’, after spendin’ a pleasant evenin’ to find you’ve been hobnobbin’ with a shopkeeper, or sittin’ next his wife at dinner, you know !’ Her Grace : ‘ Gh, dear me ! Why, my husband’s a shopkeeper, Mr Todeson. He keeps that great brio-ii-brac warehouse in Conduit Street! — and the toyshop at the corner, that’s mine ! —and the confectioner over the way, that’s my mother, the Duchess of Hauteaatel! ’ [Todeson feels he has been puttin’ his foot in it.] - Punch. Nature to the manner Born.—Heated Politican .- ‘Ye’ll maybe say Oi talk stroDgly on these Oirish mothers, an’ p’r’aps Oi do ; but Oi have a rayson ye’ll not loikely guess.’ Travelling Companion : * And what is t hat ? H. P. : ‘Oi’rn Oirish mesilf !’—Fun.

Tho Question of tho Day.—Mrs Wistful -. ‘ What happy people you are, to have six nice daughters 1 What resources for your old age 1’ Mr Quiverful: ‘Yes. Resources enough ! But the difficulty, nowadays, is in husbanding one’s resources !’—Punch. Hard Drinking.—Mrs. O’Toole : ‘ Shure, Mrs Clancy, can you tell me phwat is meant by hard drinkin’ ? ’ Mrs Clancy ; ‘ Oim not shure; but I think it’s sitting on a rock and sipping cold water, I dunno.’ A gentleman was complaining on ’Change that he had invested a rather lar«e sum 0 f

money and lost it all. A sympathetic friend asked him whether he had been a bull or a bear. To which he replied, ‘Neither; I was a jackass.’