QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 859, 17 August 1888, Page 7

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

It takes £2OOO to build a £IOOO house. The beauty of the foregoing is, that it is both a joke and a serious fact. —Puck. Old Lady (to tramp who has asked for something to eat)—What kind of victuals do you mostly get when you beg a bite ? Tramp —Cold Bhonlder, ma’am.

Speaking of the sloth, Sydney Smith says : ‘He moves suspended, sleeps suspended, rests suspended, walks suspended, and, in fact, passes his life in suspense, like a young clergyman distantly related to a Bishop. Small Hopes.— Agent—Madam, can’t you induce your husband to take life in* surance policy for 10,000dols in your benefit? Madam—l’ll t-y; but I have my doubts about the benefit. John’fl got the constitution of an ox.

Pleasantly Put.—Mr S. (who has recently married a young wife) —Why, good evening, Mra Brown. Where is your husband ? Mrs Brown (who has seen her best days) Oh, he wouldn’t come ; I never can got him out. Mr S. (who i 3 always blundering) •Well, perhaps if he had a young, fascinating, Wssfii ypuld be tempted to come out oftener. '•

Young wife—John, I wish you would rock the baby. Young Husband —What’ll 1 rock the baby for? Y. W.— Because he is not very well. And what’s more, half of him belongs to you, and you should not object to rock him. Y. H.—Well, don’t half belong to you? Y. W.—Yes. Y. H.—Well, you can rock your half, and let my half holler. ‘ One Sunday, as a certain minister was rotlirning homeward, lio'was accfosted by an '’old ■ who said {' ‘Oh, sir,' well do I 'likethe'day that you: preach !” : The teiffi*'ter was aware that he' was not very popular 'and he answered : ‘My good woman; 1 lam glad to hear it. There are too few like you. and why do you like when I preach ?’ * Oh, sir,’ she replied, ‘ when you preach T alwhys get a'good Seat.’ * 1 '* *‘ We must curtail expanses,’ said the husbtihd'lo his' swhet Wife. “Indeed ! and, : I don’t sed how anybody could be ‘more saV-, ’lng thoh I ath: We’ve got'a family 6f four, pf our own and two servants,‘and yet I man-, ige to get along, iny dres3 bills and all, with; ‘only a little over 200dols a month.’• ‘ And ’lghtasalary of'only lOOdols ainonth.’ * Well you must-get them to raise your salary.. You likve "the least management about you; of any person I ever saW‘. Oh 1 if I only! were a man 1 ’