Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 209, 11 September 1875, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Y iii.n is a pie like a poet ? When it's Browning. “ B’hat can’t be cured must be sold fresh” is" the watchword of Porkopolis. The man who was hemmed in by a crowd has been troubled with a sticii in his side ever since. A London paper recently announced “a Sunday evening discourse for advanced tinkers.” Mark Twain says tlie Sandwich Islanders are gencially as unlettered as the other side of a tombstone.

I [allow lp Memory—A 1 ankee paper announces the death of a lady celebrated for the “purity of her character and complexion.”

Reckless of orthography, an impassioned swain wrote, “ Mary, I love the well.” She replied that she was glad lie didn't drink liquor. A Mormon female seminary was recently started ill Salt Lake City, which succeeded verv well until the male principal eloped with and married tlie whole school.

Artists have adopted different emblems of charity. We wonder none of them ever thought of a piece of India-rubber, which gives more than any other substance.

A v.n no colored lady of Philadelphia wears shoes 17 niches long, and there is so much of her on tlie ground that she never gets the dampness out of her system.

A .Fijik;h recently on circuit asked a prisoner if lie had anything to say in defence, when lie replied “I Place full reliance upon your lordship’s equitation ” Presumably equity was meant.

To Err is Human.— A colored congregation in Dayton decided to forgive tlicir clergyman foi betting on three-card monte and losiii <r fio dol. of festival money. One of the deacons remarked “We is all human, and tlie game is worry enticing.”

A Clerical “Bull.”— An Irish clergyman once broke oft the thread of his discourse and thus addressed the congregationMy dear brethren let me tell you that lam now just half through my sermon ; but, as I perceive your impatience t will sa y that the remaining half is no more than a quarter as long ns that you have heard.” J

A Hifiiii.v Conclusive Reason.— While some negio Delaware steamboat men were being paid off tlie clerk inquired of each one as lie came'by to si"ii tlie pay roU. “Will you write your name, or make an A? the first one said lie could write his name and tlie pen was handed him. “ Let's see,” mused tlie darkio, as lie looked up at the clock; •’•it's now hi o’clock, ami as I've got to meet a feller at the Cityhall at noon, I guess I won't write my name, but 111 put down an X.”

Pointed Criticism.— There was once an independent old lady whoso comments on the Bible were very pointed. Speaking of Adam’s naming all the animals, she sail] she didn’t think he deserved any credit for naming the hog. Anybody would know what to call him.

1 he Lonnktof Fashion.- Tlie following inscription was recently found on an unclaimed bonnet-box at a railway-station

This box contains my very best bonnet ; So porter, T pray you, put nothing upon it— It is made of a ribbon, a rose, and a feather, With crimp lace and velvet to hold them together.

Different Points op View.— Maud (with much sympathy in her voice)—" Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery in Bond-Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early Christians, poor dears, wlio’d been thrown to a lot of lions ami tigers, who were devouring them ” Ethel (with still more sympathy)—" Yes, and, mamma dear, there was one poor tiger that hadn’t got a Christian.”— Punch.

Journalistic Politeness. —The Paris “Figaro” thus answers an anonymous correspondent—“ A note, written by a female hand, asks us why, in polite society, etiquette allows a lady to pay a visit with her veil down. I really do not know, madame ; but I would bet it is the ugly ones who set the fashion, and that it is only the pretty women who make inquiries about it.”

An Lmiiarrassino Demand.—A Vermont schoolmaster says he never felt unequal to any demand in the line of his profession, excepting on one occasion, when a farmer brought his bouncing fifteen-year-old daughter to the school, and walking up to the master's desk, said : “ That’s my youngest gal, and if ever you catch her slidin’ down hill with tlie boys, I just want you to trounce her.”

A Smart Bov.—On a Boston tram-car a boy made a sudden grab among tlie straw, caught something, and, as lie straightened up, lie inquired, “ Who’s lost a lifty-cent piece ?” Seven men hold out their hands to him, and four more wanted to, but felt afraid. There was a painful pause, and then the bov unclasped his hand and exhibited a pants button. * Tlie seven men suddenly sank back to meditate, and tlie other four indulged in winks.

How to Stop a Yarn-Spinner.— Thompson was boring a supper-party with a most interminable yarn a few evenings since, when one of the company broke in with, “ I'll tell you what, Thompson—whoever told you that story did not tell you the whole of it.” “ But he certainly did,” said the astonished Thompson : “ I know every word of it.” “ There must ho some mistake, Thompson,” persisted his friend very gravely ; “lie never could have told you the end of it.”

Increase of Salary.— Roqucplan was the first manager in Paris who filled up his company with young lady novices who were no actresses, and who were usually glad to pay out of their own pockets for tlie privilege of appearing oil the stage. One of these amateurs once declared to a friend that she was about to leave tlie Varieties because Roqueplan had raised all the actresses salaries. Upon being remonstrated with and told that she ought to bo delighted at such a measure, “ You don't understand,” replied the indignant carte-de-visite actress ; “I used to give Koqueplan sixty francs a month, and now lie wants a hundred ! ”

Ghosts.— An American literary gentleman, after tlie nightmare, wants to give his remarks upon ghosts. He says “ A ghost is about aft Tin. in height, and weighs from four to six ounces. They aint afraid ov nothing, and will hang around a graveyard az kareless as a skoolboy will around a norchard in green-apple time. They are like a grate many other things in this world—often heard ov, but seldum seen. I will give 15 hundred dollars to see a ghost, and 250 dollars more to own one ; but i want one kauglit whole and not hurt. Mi friend Phineas T. Barnum will take a whole drove ov them at the same price per ghost, and not quarrel about the gender. Therefore bring ’your ghosts.”

Op.TiioiaiApiiicAL—At a spelling match in Pulaski, Tcnn.. the word “sacliel” was given out. It was spelled by the ex-rebel Gen. Taliaferro without a “t,” as Webster favors. Whereupon, according to the L ulaski Citizen, “ the audience laid down and rolled over and laughed, and bleated, and roared, and squealed, and tittered, and hunched each other, and at last subsided so that the pedadogue could be heard lie blandly informed the audience that Mr. Taliaferro had spelled the word correctly. Then they commenced to look blank at each other, and looked green and foolish, and had the city grins, and you could have heard a pin drop.”