CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXII, Issue 22006, 12 January 1935, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Always Going to Pot: Gardeners. He was Shoeing for Divorce: The hard-up farrier. Fed Dp: " I can't get anything on my wireless set." Hard Up: " Why not pawn your watch? " " May 1 ask for the afternoon off, sir? My wife wants me to go shopping with her." " Impossible." " Thank you, sir." He: " When I wath a little boy all mhopetli in life were thentered on being a clown." She: " Indeed! How seldom one's youthful ambitions are so completely rea 1 ised."

POST OFFICE COURTESY A man had been endeavouring to write a telegram with a pen provided by the post office. After two or three ineffectual starts, lie turned to the woman behind the counter and said: " Is this by any chance the pen used by King John at the signing of Magna Cha rta ?" The official replied: "Inquiries on the right, please!" TIT FOR TAT John (looking at chop on plate): " That chop isn't cooked to suit me." Wife: "Cook it yourself. You didn't marry a cook." Wife (the same night in bed): " Get up, John. I think there are burglars in tiie house." John: "Get up yourself. You didn't marry a policeman." WHAT DADDY DID The teacher was testing the results of a lesson given on the Commandments. She had explained the seventh as meaning "to be pure in thought and word and deed." But the children were somehow rather shy of that Commandment. The class vouchsafed no reply when it came up for explanation, until one little girl, who had not attended before, held up her hand and answered brightly: " I know, teacher! My daddy was fined two Bounds for doiiifi it to tlie milk! "

Sadness at Weddings: Even the cake was in tiers. Cynic: The man who called his young lady " Sweet " because she was always after meals Brown: " Shall we have a friendly game of cards?" Green: " No; let's plaj' bridge." Mrs. Gadabout: "That Mrs. Dodgem next door doesn't seem ,to have many friends." Hostess (wearily): " X-no. I wonder how she manages it?" Bar Habitue: " 1 say, Charles, how much did I spend on drinks here last night?" Barman: "Two pouwls ten, sir." Habitue: " Oh, good—l thought I had lost it." Lady (visiting prisoner in his cell): " And what brought you here, my good man? Was it drink? Prisoner: " Lumme, no, ma'am! Fancy me mistaking this place for a blooming publ" TOO GOOD TO COME TRUE Mother: "Come, Johnny, it's time for you to go to bed. You know, dear, all the dear little chickens go to bed at sundown." Johnny: " Yes, i know, but their mother goes with them." RECORD BREAKING " Say, ma," protested the small boy, " what's the idea of making me sleep here every night? " " Ssh, dear," admonished his American mamma. " You have only to sleep in the piano for two more weeks to set up a new record and then your picture will bo in all the newspapers." # THE BETTER WAY Two broom vendors met in. a London street. " 'Ang it all," said one, " 1 don't see 'ow you can sell these 'ero bipoms for a shillin'. 1 steals the brush, an' I steals the wire, an' I steals the 'undies, an' I can't sell 'em for a shillin' and make money on 'em." And the other replied: " Why, I 6teals 'em ready-made." THE CONSTABLE'S " MISTAKE " The police-sergeant looked at the young constable and gravely shook his head. " Here you have been in the Force for nearly four months, and never once brought f» cast?, 1 ' he said bitterly. The constable hung his head repentantly. " Now. the squire up at the Hall has just phoned to say that somebody is stealing holly and mistletoe from his grounds. Go up there to-night and watch for the thief." ordered the sergeant. After watching near the Hall for some time the constable saw a man slinking along with a sack on his back. He pounced on him, opened the sack, and emptied a number of gold and silver plates and cups into the road. " H'm," he said after a while, "my mistake. But you can thank your lucky stars that it wasn't holly and mistletoe."

Radio Inquiry: " What can yon get on your wireless set?" " About fifteen shillings." " You want to be paid monthly instead of weekly. How is that?" " Well, sir, you see the missus and me has an awful row every pay day." Mrs. Knagg: " After all is said and done —" Mr. Knagg (interrupting): " I wonder if that glorious moment will ever come." Mrs. Jones: " I understand 3'ou've got your divorce, Sally. Did you get any alimony from your husband?" Laundress: " No, Mrs. Jones, but he done give me a first-class reference." A well-dressed man had sat down on a newlv-painted seat. Furious, lie said to the painter: " Why don't you put ' Wet Paint ' on your seats? " " That's what I'm doin', ain't 1?" replied the painter THE SCOTSMAN'S SORROW Two Highlanders met one morning, and one observed the other to be wrapped in gloom. He asked the cause, and the other replied: " It's that mou McTavish! He ca'ed me a leearl" His friend tried to console him, explaining that many a man had been called a liar and had been none tho worse for it. But the gloomy one replied, heatedly, " But dammit, mon, he proved it I "

JUST STRUCK HIM Old Pat lived in the country miles from any town and he had made it his practice to walk once a week to the nearest town and purchase his weekly paper. One week he entered the newsagent's shop, paid for and received his paper, and was about to leave when an idea struck him. " I say, mister," he said to the newsagent, " give me another copy of this p.aper; it'll save me the trouble of coming in next week."

Teacher: "What is the Order of the Bath?" Kid: " Pa first, then ma, then us kids, then the hired girl.',' " Collecting musical instruments seems a queer hobby to me. What's the sense of it?" "It stops people from playing them." " Angles took an unfair advantage of me this morning." " How did he do that?" "He started to tell me fish stories while my arms were full of parcels." " Sandy," said his sweetheart, " I've just had my hair shingled. How do you like it?" "Lassie," he replied, " you've had an awful bit of bad luck. I've just bought you a packet o' hairpins for y'r bairthday." Johnny: " What is a brick hod used for, daddy?" Father: "Why, for carrying bricks, of course. You should know that. It explains itself." Johnny (after a moment's silence): " Then I suppose a tripod is used for carrying tripe? " Irate Employer: "See here, you young Rip Van Winkle, I hired you only yesterday, and I believe you've boon asleep ever since." Sleepy Joe: " That's what I thought you wished, sir. Here's your advertisement: ' Wanted, an office boy, not over sixteen, must sleep on premises.' " A man was fumbling at hi§ keyhole in the small hours of New Year's Day morning. A policeman saw his difficulty and came to the rescue. "Can I help you to find the keyhole, sir?" he asked. " Thash all right, old man," said the other, cheerily. " You just hold the house still, and I can manage." BOYS WILL BE BOYS Proud Citizen: "So you've been visiting our new school, eh? Splendid, isn't it? Magnificent buildings, beautiful furnishings and, above all, perfect discipline. By the way, what was the first thing that struck you when you entered the school? " Visitor (truthfully): "A pea from a pea-shooter." ACTRESS GOING TO COURT An actress was plaintiff in ,a court case. At a final consultation her lawyers gave her serious advice as to the demeanour she should adopt in court. After listening patiently she said: " Thank you very much. I follow perfectlv. You'll give me the cues and I see 1 get the props' all right. But, say, you haven't told me j-et who's the judge I'm playing opposite?" / NEVER AGAIN! A temperance lecturer flashed on the screen a picture of a drop of water magnified so that all the organisms in it could be seen swimming around.. " Now," said the lecturer, " I am going to show you the effects of alcohol. See what happens when I add a drop of that." Immediately all activity stopped, and an old Irishwoman in the back of the hall turned to a friend and said: Look at that! Shore, I'll never drink water, again without some - whisky in- *•.