Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21616, 7 October 1933, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Well-informed men: Water diviners. Worst of Bigamy: Too many mother-in-laws. Doctor: " He seems to be wandering in his mindi " Wife: " Well, ho can't stray far l " Tramp: " I lorst my parents when J was very young." " Cottager: " Poor man! Orphan?" "No, only once."

Borrows (having borrowed 10s): "Oh, thank you! Words cannot repay you for this favour." Lender (drily): "No, I don't think they can! "

Fancy-dress Keveller (.is husband vainly signals last bus): " There you are —supposed to be Dick Turpin, and you can't stop a bus! "

Jones came back from his Whitsun holiday proud of his bulging muscles. " Look at these arms," he said. They were certainly in good condition. His colleagues put it down to rowing, but .Tones withered them with scorn. "Rowing be blowed!" he snorted. "I got them pulling up fish."

A peninsula, says little Johnny, is an island, but not quite.

Doctor: "My practice has now doubled." Friend: "So you have a second patient I "

"Is it true that Alice has a secret sorrow:- 1 " " Gracious, yes! Hasn't she tohi von about it yet?"

" Has Blowhard travelled much?" " Rather! He's been to nearly half the places 011 his suitcase labels."

Husband (in the early morning) : " It must be time to get up." Wife: "Why?" Husband: "Baby's fallen asleep."

" Man wants but little here below," remarked the landlady. " And here is the place to get it," replied the facetious boarder.

Accused: " How could I commit forgery when 1 can't write my own name?" Judge: " You are not accused of writing your own name."

" Mummy, how do horses manage to climb trees?" " They don't, dear." " Well, I heard Aunt Jane say you were always finding mares' nests!"

May: " Is she . ver£ extravagant? " Maud: " Very! She spends her money so thoughtlessly that she is sometimes obliged to be content with an inferior complexion."

Teacher: " Now, Johnny, suppose you had £SOO and wanted to buy a house worth £2OOO, what would you do? " .Iphnny: " Well, T suppose I'd have to marry a girl worth £1500."

. At the end of a Sunday school treat the children were singing the verse which includes the words " Weak and sinful though wo be." One boy, with a weak theological sang with all his heart and voice: " We can sing full though we be "

At the hotel: Everything conies to him who tips the waiters.

Professor: "What is steam?" Student: " Water in a high state of perspiration."

Why is an author th 3 queerest animal in tlie world? —Because bis talc (tail) comes out of his bead!

" Dear. I believe I've got sciatica." " I can't see what fun you find in getting those foreign stations."

First Little Girl: "My father is an officer. What does yours do? " Second Little Girl: " Whatever mamma tells him."

" What's an investment, grandfather?" " Well, it' is giving a man a 3s 6d dinner and then selling him £2O worth of goods!"

Orator: "Can anybody tell me who did most in the 19th century to raise the working class? " Voice: " Yes. The inventor of alarm clocks."

Mother: "Did I see you on Jack's lap last night?" Daughter: "I hope so! The time is drawing near when a witness would be a great help!"

" But, sir," proudly declared the old lag in the dock after a lengthy appeal to the magistrate, " You can't send me to prison: I've got one of the best criminal records in the country!"

" They say that a carrier pigeon will go further than any ot,hor bird," said the boarder between bites. " Then I'll have to try one," said the landlady. " I notice a fowl doesn't go very far."

After the collection had been taken the vicar announced that it amounted to ten pounds and three half-pence, and added, sarcastically, that there must be a Scotsman in the church. Voice from the-rear: "Hoots, mon! There's three of us."