Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21344, 19 November 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Undo Sam's problem: Ryo or dry.,.

How to make a Maltese cross: Kick him.

She: "Yes; jou married me hecausa I had money." He: " No; it was because I didn't have any!"

" Every bone in my body aches," grumbled the pessimist. " Then you ought to bo glad you're not a herring," responded the optimist.

Auntie: " And wero you a very good little girl at church this morning, Joan dear?" Joan: "Oh, yes, auntie. A man offered mo a big plato full of money, and I said: ' No, thank you."

Film Star (newly married) : " And is this your home?" Bridegroom: "It is, precious." " Say, it looks mighty familiar. Are you sure I haven't married you before ?"

"You know, you've been engaged a long time, old man. Why don't you marry her?" "I've been thinking about it, Joe —but whero should I spend my evenings if I did ?"

Tho election candidate was waxing enthusiastic: "And then," he thundered, " I heard the voice of the people calling me." " Heard yourself thinking out loud," yelled the heckler.

Man home from New Zealand (visiting native village in England after an absence of thirty years): "Well, you don't remember me, eh?" Samuel: ''W'y, it be young George Smith. Bless 'e, I were only sayin' to Sarah yesterday Oi 'adn't seed 'e about lately."

" What's the plural of whim ? " "Women!"

Yere: " Bill's proposal was so sudden it made me jump." Owen: ."At it, of course."

lie: "All my loiters this morning begin with the same word." Slie: "What's that ?" " Unless—' '

Young Wife: "Why use• such a high chair for your baby ?" Another Ditto: " So wo can hear him when lie falls out."

Harold : "Who invented the barbed-wiro fence, mother?" His mother: "Oh, some manufacturer of boys' clothing, I suppose."

Tom: " When I woke up this morning I found all the bedclothes wound tightly round me." Bob: " Well, you must have slept like a top."

" I'vo just been reading somo statistics here. It says that every time I breathe a man dies." " Why don't you take something for it ?"

Professor: "Before I dismiss the class let mo repeat the words of Webster." Pupil: "Holy mackerel! I'm off. He's starting on the dictionary."

Seaside Boarder (to new-comer): " I say, old man—l don't think I'd touch the rico pudding if I wore you—there was a wedding in this street yesterday."

Doctor: " Madain, your husband must have absolute rest." Patient's Wife: " Well, doctor, ho won't listen to anything I say." " A very good beginning, madam."

Long-suffering Tailor: " \ou recently inherited money. Why not pay me what you owe me?" His Client: "I wouldn t like people to think that inheriting money has changed my habits."

First Luncher: "A fine overcoat was stolen in this restaurant yesterday. I could have strangled the thief." Second Ditto: " Why? Was it yours?" " No; but 1 had an oyo on it for myself."

Pat: "D'ye see Tim being elected to the Ways and Means Committee?" Mike: " That's tho roight job for him surely. That feller knows more ways of being mean than any man Oi ever met.

Tho Vicar: "My dear Mrs. Money, may I put your name down for tickets to Professor Pundit's course of lectures on Buddhism?" Mrs. Money: "By all means! You know how passionately fond I am of flowers."

Most women dress to please themselves soino also to displease their neighbours.

Jack: " This liniment makes my arm smart." Joan: "Why not rub some on your head 1"

" I went to Mme. Knowall, the mindreader yesterday." "It must have been as good as a holiday for her."

Barber: "Your hair is harsh and dry, sir!" Voico-culture expert: "So is your voice; but I didn't like to montion it."

Soars : " What do you think of my argument?" Sawyer: Sound—most certainly sound." Sears: " And what else?' Sawyer: Nothing else—merely sound."

" Some of the good people who dine here," said the hotel manager sadly, " seem to regard our spoons and forks as a sort of medicine —to bo taken after meals."

Landlady (discussing world's troubles): "I suppose we must be prepared for anything these days." Boarder (gazing at his helping): "Yes—or, at any rate, hardly anything!"

He (irritably): "Another new hat! When will you cease these useless purchases you make under the pretext that they are cheap?" She: "But this one wasn't cheap."

" And did anybody conio to the door while I was out?" " Aye, a man collecting for the free breakfast." " And did you give him anything ? " Aye, I gave liim a' our names."

" I hear your wife insists on going to Monte Carlo?" "Yes, she's mad on it But I put my foot down absolutely." "So, she's not going after all?" Well, not with my consent.' 1

A little girl, aged seven, was asked to state the difference between pride and vanity. After considerable thought, she replied: " Pride means, ' X don t think much of you '; vanity means, ' What do you think of me?' "

Billy, who was on holiday at his uncle's farm, came running into the house very excited. " There's a mouse in the inilk pail'." he cried. " Did you lift it out ? asked uncle. "No," said Billy, proudly; " but 1 threw the cat m!"

A pompous individual went into tho local school one day with the intention of putting the children through their paces in geography. He began: " What is the capital of 'Olland ?" " H!" was the crushing rejoinder from someono in tho back row.