Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVIII, Issue 20982, 19 September 1931, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

" What, must one do to have beautiful hands?" "Nothing." A woman doesn't worry one-tenth as much over being two-faced as about being double-chinned. " Yer couldn't see a man starve, could yer, lidy ? " "Not very well. I've come out without my glasses." Miss Everybody: "I want sorno eggs, but I must be sure there are no chickens in them." Grocer: "Well, how about a dozen duck eggs ? "

For nearly an hour the, girl had been compelled to listen to the fatuous guest. I fell off my bicycle last week arid was knocked senseless," he said. " When do you expect to get better ? " she asked quickly. " You're looking bad, old man," said an acquaintance to Browne. " What's the trouble?" "Domestic," replied Browne, briefly. " But you always said your wife was a pearl." "So she is. It's the mother o' pearl that's the trouble."

NO MOTE IN HIS ET3. "What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson. " Wc have taken up the subject of molecules," answered Iter son. " I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said tlie mother. " I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep it in his eye." HIS BAD LUCK. Jixson had transferred his cricket prowess from one village team to another. One day ho met one of his old team friends. " How are you getting on with your new club?" asked the friend. Jixson shook his head miserably. " Not so grand," lie replied. " The captain always seems to put me in to bat in the middle of a hat-trick." ONLY DAYDREAMS. " In my youth," said Briggs, " I, used to sit on niy high stool dreaming of the day when "i should have a business of my own and be paying salaries to other people." •" And now what has happened ? " asked his lender-ho;ir'ed listener. Briggs closed his account-books wearily. " Now I find myself wishing someone else had the business and 1 was back on a salary," ho said. MANNERS. A distinguished personage took a shoot in Scotland. 11c was very haughty and haled anything in the nature of familiarity. One day, out on the moors during the luncheon break, ho heaid twQ of the gillies talk of Ben Nevis. With acute displeasure in his eye he called them to his side. "What were you discussing?" ho asked, coldly. " We were speaking of Ben Nevis, sir," answered the head gillie. " Ah, yes," corrected the distinguished person. " I presume you mean Mr. Benjamin Nevis." THE TRUTH WILL OUT. Brown was a novice at golf. When his turn came to drive his ball off the first too at the village common links he approached the small white object falteringly. Presently lie swung lip his club and took a mighty hit. Immediately something went flying into the air. Brown looked up hopefully. But, alas, it wasn't his ball that went soaring along the fairway; it was only a large piece of turf. "Extraordinary!" he exclaimed miserably. His young caddie nodded in agreement. " Yes, sir," he said, " it docs seem a bit out of the common,"

A: "Do you like home cooking?' B: " 1 used to—before I got married." " Did you call for help when ho kissed you in the dark ? " " Silly! " lie didn't need any help." "Is your wife a good after-dinner speaker ! " " No, But you ought to hear her before breakfast." " Why didn't you scream when Claude kissed you in the garden ? " "Heis so shy—il 1 had, lie would have run away." Mr. Newly wed: "Sweetheart, (hose biscuits are fine." 31 is Wife: "Oh, Bertram, that's the butter dish you're eating!" An instrument has been invented that measures (o the 5,000,000 th of an inch. It should bo useful to a motorist trying to find a place to park his car. Mr. Oratty-: " .And you used to say you wouldn't marry the host man living." Mrs. Gratty: "Well, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I kept my word." " How did you like the opera, Minna ? " "It was lovely, ma'am. It was ' Lohengrin.' " "So you mado the acquaintance of Wagner? " " No, ma'am, he told me his name was Miller." Sister: " Really, Norman, you must ask Miss Freakley for a, dance." Brother: Yes, I'm going to, but I'm waiting for a dreamy waltz, so that I can have an excuse for closing my eyes." Dissatisfied Diner (having settled his bill): "Do you mind if 1 stay here a while?" Waiter: "Not at all, sir." " Thanks. I always like to take a good look round a placo I'm seeing for the last time." Mi". Brown: "If you hadn't fooled about so much, we. shouldn't have lost the train." Mrs. Brown: "Yes; and if you hadn't mado mo run like mad, we shouldn't have had so long to wait for the next one." .An aeroplane landed near a very oldfashioned village. The squire was viewing the rare spectacle when one of the villagers asked him why it had come down. " They have lost their bearings," ho replied. " Mv, but they don't expect to buy aeroplane bearin's in a village like this, do they ? "

OUT OF SCHOOL. The teacher of the boys' school was giving her pupils a general knowledge test. " Now, then," she commenced, "we borrowed our numerals from the Arabs, our calendar from the Romans, and our banking from the Greeks. Can anybody else give me some examples ?" Bertie, who sat precariously near the lowest desk in the class, rose to his feet. Yes, teacher," he said. " I know some. Our lawn-mower from the Smiths, our sewing-machine from the Browns, and a pair of steps from the Jones."

"A BLOOMING FIVER." .Tones was hard up. He had gone up North on business, niul found himself stranded. So lie put through a. trunk telephone call to Smith. "Hello!" he asked. "Is that Smith?" " Yes." " I say, old man, I'm in a fix. Tin stranded up hero without any money. Can you wire me a fiver V " Sorry, .Tones, I can't hear you." " 1 say I'm stranded up here —no cash. Can you wire me a fiver V" " Can't catch a word. Say it again." " I—tell—you— I'm stranded — up here—without—any—money. Can—you —wire—me—a—li-v-e-r ?" " There must he something wrong with this line. Can't get the cense of it all. Don't 'Vou think—" At this stage the operator chipped in : "There is nothing wrong with the line. I can hear the caller distinctly." " Oh, can you ?" said Smith. ' Ihcn , you lend liim the; blooming fiver,'-'

Agent: " Now here's a house without a flaw." Client: " What do you walk on?" " That woman in the box hasn't taken her eves off me for an hour." " How do you know ? " Son: " Dad, what do standing armies sit on when they are tired?" Father: " The seat of war, iny boy." " Fred, dear, I like the look of that hat in the window." " Well, we can come back to-morrow and have another look." Mother: " Arc you sure Bill loves you and you alone? " Daughter: "Oh, yes, mother —more then than at any other time." " Only one out- of ten amateur gardeners is really successful," states an expert. The other nine probably have neighbours who keep chickens. " Your essay is excellent, Jones, but it is exactly the same as Philip's. What shall I conclude from that?" "That his is excellent, too, teacher." Doctor (who has taken a friend to see tho country house he is building) : " I haven't made up my mind what to call it yet." Friend: "Why not 'Bedside Manor* ? " Policeman (giving evidence) : " He was fighting his wife, your worship, when I arrested him, and—" Prisoner (interrupting ruefully): "When you rescued me, if you don't mind." " What's all that scuffling going on in the kitchen, Mary?" "Well—er—sir, I'm sorry, sir, but the policeman tried to kiss me." " Oh, I You forcibly objected." " Er—no, sir. The postman did." 'Miss Spinster: "A gentleman called me beautiful yesterday. Do you think it is sinful of me feel a little proud of the compliment ? " Genial Parson : " Not at all. It is the gentleman who is tho sinner—not you." The baby was being displayed to admiring callers. " Dear me," exclaimed one visitor, who seemed to find it difficult to know what to say. " How much he looks like his father!" " Oh, that's only the hot weather," replied the young mother, crossly. "As a rule, lie's quite cheerful looking."

A GOOD STICKER. The age-old problem of mothers-in-law had cropped up for discussion at the men's club. Mr. Cum-Munday waxed bitter in his remarks against them. "My mother-in-law has' only visited me once since 1 got married," he mentioned. " Well, you're jolly lucky," said "Mr. Go-Toosday. " I can't see what you've got to complain about." " Lucky, you say," said Mr. Cum-Mun-day. " Why, she's never left," IN TRAINING. The bus was doing a good turn of speed. Presently the conductor noticed that one of his passengers kept looking nervously behind the vehicle. "Anything wrong, sir?" ho asked. " I didn't like to say anything before," said the passenger, " but aro you aware that a man has been trying to catch this bus for the last ten minutes?" The conductor turned and stared at the. running figure. "Oh, 'im!" he said. " That's old Bill Bowling. lie's the favourite for tho 'arf mile at, the village sports. Me and the driver 'avo got some money on 'im, and we're just tinnn' 'im." ADVICE TO BATSMAN. The cautious player had been in for nearly half an hour without scoring a run, and the fielders were beginning to get annoyed. His gentle play at. last, grew so pronounced that they closed within a few feet of him, waiting eagerly for the catch. The light began to fail. It. was essential that the wicket, which was the last, should fall before the time came to draw stumps. Closer and closer canto the fielders until thero was barely room for the batsman to raise his hat. Suddenly a thin, piping voice was heard from among the spectators. " Look out. Bill, " it said. lake care you don't get your pocket picked. HIS BUSINESS. A particularly audacious midnight burglary had "been committed, and stringent investigations were being mado by the police. "Did yu notico any suspicious characters about, the neighbourhood?" asked the inspector-in-charge of the constable who patrolled the beat on which the, robbery had taken place. " Sure, sir," replied the policeman. 'J I saw but ono man, and I asked him what he was doing there at that time o' night. So?, he, ' I have no business here just now, but I expect to open a jewellery shop in the vicinity later on.' At that I says, ' I wish you success, sorr.' Begorra, sorr," added the constable, " the man may have been a thief, but he was no liar."