ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20656, 30 August 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Theso chickens were hatched in an incubator.'! "My word! They look just like real ones !"-

" I haven't been able to close my eyes for a fortnight!" i' Why don't you ;tako up boxing?"

" Why is this stuffed parrot so dear?" ?' Oh, ho used to bo a wonderful talker Hvhen ho was alive."

John: " What happened when be asked for/her photograph ?"• Jack: "She replied iii a negative."

Chester: "What became of your secretary?" Lincoln: "I married her pnd now she's my treasurer."

•' My wife told me not to go home unless I caught some fish." " That's a mean way of turning you out."

Pete; "He has a Gorman horn on his Car." Paul: "How do yon know?" ii .Well, he's always Teuton it."

"So you don't want to marry me, Doris?" "That's different! You said Bomcthing about being yours for over."

Alice: "That bootshop assistant certainly knows his business, doesn't ho ?" Betsy: " Yes; ho calls a suede a suede."

Friend: "How long will it bo beforo your wife makes her appearance ?" Husband: ?' Sho's upstairs making it now."

' Old Lady (witnessing tug-of-vvar for the first time) : " Wouldn't it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?"

First Small Boy: "I bet my hands iiro dirtier than yours." Second Boy: «" Oh, well, you are two years older than tee."

First Boy Scout: " I did my deeds for b v.-hole week." Second Ditto: " You did?" "Yes; I carried home a dozen eggs and didn't break one."-

First Gardener: "What is your ambition in life?" Second Ditto: "To raise onion or two as perfect as the pictures in the seed catalogue."

" Mpthcr, isn't your hair permanently ,'waved ?" "My dear, what makes you ask such a thing?" "I've been thinking. Why can't I have my neck permanently washed ?"

" I wish you could pay a little attention to what I am saying," roared the exasperated barrister to a stubborn witness. «" Well/" was the reply, " I'm paying as kittle as I can."

" There is no honesty anywhere. II y maid has just run away and taken three of my best dresses." "Which ones?" " Those which I smuggled through the customs when I came back from France."

"What! Lottie Brown engaged? That proves what; I've always said—that no matter how plain and disagreeable a girl is, there's always a simpleton ready to marry her. Who's the idiot?" " I am."

"%> feel sad—l've just had my handwriting read." " What did the expert say ?" " That from the way I made the •' h ' at the beginning of the word ' elegant ' he knew I had never been to school."

A university student, when sitting for an examination, was asked to compose one verse of poetry including the words analyse'' and " anatomy." He wrote:— My analyse over the ocean, / My analyse over the sea, Oh, who will go over the ocean / And bring back my anatomy.

For years he had been terribly henpecked. One morning at breakfast he said to his wife:—"My dear, I had a ( queer dream last night. I thought I saw another man running off with you." "Indeed!" said his wife. "And what did you say to him?" "Oh," ho answered, " I asked him why ho was running.'^

" Givo me a start!" begged the auctioneer- " I have hero a genuine Queen [Anno sideboard, the only piece of its kind known to the world. Give me a start!" "Fourpence!" said someone obligingly. TJ'he auctioneer nearly fell from the rostrum. " T asked for a start," ho said (contemptuously. " Well, you got it, didn't you?".

A traveller, staying for a week-end in a village, was telling the oldest inhabitant that hi; could not imagine how peoplo managed to live in such a dull place. *' Well, Sir," said the countryman, " you should next week, and tlion you'd see (ho whole countryside stirred up." /"What is going to happen?" •" We'll be ploughing.'

In an out-of-the-way station a British staff-officer met a native soldier wearing on his arm an enormous brassard, on ■which were painted in largo rod capitals the , two letters " 8.F." When the tiflicer asked what the letters meant, tho native beamed proudly. "Mo happy man," ho said. "Mo just been appointed Brigade Fotographer !"

A clubman inclined to bo slightly convivial' was being reproved by his wife. '' When you've had a few whiskies-and-sodas," slie said, severely, " you ought to ask for somo harmless drink'like . . .

• • . sarsaparilla." " Yes, my 'dear/'' was tho meek reply, " but tho difficulty is that when I've had a few whiskies I can't say ' sarsaparilla.' "

J Mow much beer do you drink in a /day, ray man?" a temperance reformer asked a British worker who had a thirst, that was apparently unquenchable. " Oh, reflv "''T UV nor -P two," was the ISr « al »on S ? " s „id the renmch ' water.U° 1 l ' ldn ' t , drin the working man «ffi t guvW f aid neither could I."' comes to that,