ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20384, 12 October 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

'A man reaps what he sows—unless lie is an amateur gardener. Mrs. Muff: "My husband bores me to death." Mrs. Stole; "My husband won't listen, cither." " Though rabbits are said to multiply quickly, they are a poor substitute for a ie.idy reckoner." He used (« walk i:i the moonlight with one .iiiii full. Now ho walks the floor with both arms full. " The man I marry must be someone 1f.,.wh0 counts," " Good! f knew 1 was li the right- man—l'm a cashier!" T ' - " liii.'v these days, Senator; ' " \ cry; I'm on ono investigating committee and «rii being investigated by another. X: "How long has Mackie been in business ?" : " Judging by bis typewriter ribbon I should say fifty-seven years." \*bung Man; " I've called to see about • job." F.oss: " But Ido all the work mvself." " That's perfect. When can I start?"

Gardening Enthusiast: " Have you *een our neighbour's new herbaceous border ?" Friend; "No, I haven't. What's lie'like?" She: "I wonder what the correct skirt length will be next season?" He: "I understand it will ba just a little over two feet." Foozleyr: "Oh, dear! Golf's a funny game, caddie!" Caddie: " Mebbe. It all depends. Some folks'l! make a joke cf anything." Clarke: "Does your wife, reallv obey yon?" Darke: "Sometimes. When I itay, ' Go ahead and never mind me.' she always docs." Uncle: "And what do yon y-.-ant to you grow up, Tom ?" loin :" I want to bo the man who fills the chocolate machines." Daisy:''" T will say this for 'JVd's daricin' —'ft do keep good time." _ Bert (Ted's rival): "So ought. 'F.'s just don 6 five years of it. Teacher: "Swarms of flies descended upon the Egyptians, but there were no flies on the children of Israel." Smart Boy : " There ain't now, cither." " Why does a woman always keep a man waiting so long after she says she'll bo ready in a minute ?" " Because she picks out a minute which is about ha!i an hour away." ; " I say, my aunt in Scotland sent me « cheque for a birthday present." " Good. Then you can pay me that pound you rwft me." " Now, just wait while I tell you the rest of rr.y dream."

"Now, 1 ' said the teacher. impressively, " why should wo endeavour to ri;e by flur own efforts?" " Because, replied Tommy, "there's no knowing, v. lien the »larm clock will go wrong." The prisoner faced the judge with a determined 'gaze as the latter inquired: V You committed this theft alone: ."•"Yes," replied the guilty one; "you fan't trust anybody nowadays." 'Annabelle: " Mabel hasn t a thought for inything nowadays except her new motorcar. She's perfectly in love with it!' Georgs (sadly): " Another case of man fceing displaced by machinery.' Robinson: "It is awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" Brown: " Oh, I shan't say much, you know. 4 Good morning, dear,' or something of that, sort. She'll say the rest." Barker: "What was the play you saw last night?" Harker: "'Hamlet.'" " Do you think Hamlet was mad ?" " Ho was last night. And I don't blame him—with only ten shillings in the house." A man asked a friend to dinner. Among the vegetables were boiled onions. '1 he friend, wishing to say something pleasing, exclaimed: "If there's one thing I like, more than another, it is oiled bunions!

The Scotchman and the Irishman walked past a jeweller's shop, tho window of which was filled with precious stones " Wouldn't you like to have your pick ?" Sandy asked. " Not my pick," said Mike. "I'd rather have my shovel." Teacher: "Willie, please give me a lentenco in which tho verbs ' to set arid 'to sit' are used correctly." Willie: (after a brief deliberation): " Great Britain is a country on which the sun never let's, and on which no other country ever aits." She strolled into the gutimakcr's shop Eo buy a revolver, adding: ' It is for my husband." " Hid your husband say what make of revolver?" asked tho salesman. " Well, T don't think it matters." she replied. "He doesn't even know Irn going to shoot him." ," Do you act toward your wife now S* you did beforo you married 1101 . " Exactly. 1 remember just how I acted when I first fell iri lovo with her. I used to hang over the fence in front of her houso and gazed at her shadow 011 the'curtain —almost afraid to go in. And I act just the same way now when 1 get home late." ' The family were sitting around the firolido in the e\ ening. Mother was knitting,, father was reading the newspaper, and the boy was studying words. " Dad/J fhe boy asked, "what is a fiancee?" Father: "A young lady who is engaged to bo married." Boy: " Ihen, what is a fiasco, dad?" Father: "Ob, that s tho fellow who is going to marry her."

Two inmates of a Scottish asylum, workIn* in the garden, decided upon an attempt at escape, Watching their opportunity, they approached a wall. " Noo bend down, Sandy," said the one, " and I'll clim' up your shoutlier lo the top, and then I'll gio ye a hand up lac."' Tarn, mounting Sandy's back, gained the top of tho wall, and, dropping on the other side, shouted, as he prepared to make off: "I'm thinking, Sandy, you'll bn better ta bido anither fortnight, for you're no near richt yet." "If you were brought up in a barn you might shut the door," said a big man to the little man who had just ontried. Without a murmur tho littlo man ' meekly complied, and, taking a scat, burst into tears. Observing this, the big man rose, and, going over to tho littlo man, sail: Don t take it to heart, old man, just because I asked von if vou were ' ' tirought up in a barn." "As'a matter of fact 1 was brought up in a barn," , jobbed the little ijkiij, 1 * rind every time hear an ass bray I fuel homesick."