CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18380, 21 April 1923, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

J-- ODDS AND ENDS, J • '■(-,' ' Clerk: "Sir, I'd like my salary raised." Boss: "Well, don't worry. I've raised it somehow every week so far, haven't ■ V- ■ '__ :: '•;■ ■•• ':■ ." &&::■<■ ■'- ■ -' ■ '■'•. '. Wife, (from above) : " Ready in a minute!" Husband (a little later): "No hurry now, dear! I've got to shave V ''", again! " : Her Father: "But, young man, do you think """- <""" T-ink" mv da"gM"Tnappy?" Her Suitor: "Do I? I wish ;'.'•' ''' : --~ you could i... .o 0.... , i lie; - tthuii i. p.im-..-i posed ■,;;..' Andrew: "Father, what are ancestors?" Father: "Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandfather is another." ;'.":' ;+ " Then why do people brag about them ]_ ,1 so much ? " " ; Solicitor to witness at Bow County — 7 Court: "It is said you lead your husband a terrible life." The Woman: — "So he did me, when he kept me, but — —;■— I keep him now." \ All were quiet in the cinema watching the comic man counterfeiting intoxication. ■■,< : Tlie silence was broken by a small boy's shrill voice: "That ain't the way to bo — drunk, is it, farver ? " -':;, The Wife: "I see by to-night's paper V that Paris says women are going to wear ;V their dresses longer." The Husband: I ■-' f- " It's a good thing. You never wear jl .:,.'•' a. dress over a month." pvr " You say that your wife went to colr-■-;-' lege before you married her." " Yes, she — did." "And she thought of taking up law, you said?" "Yes, but now she's satisfied to lay it down." ' i—. District Visitor: "What a well-be- >. haved little boy yours is, Mrs. Blobbs." Mrs. Blcbbs: Yes, just like his father. — My husband always gets a few weeks taken off his sentence for good conduct." * »-, Millionaire (speaking to body of students) : "All my success, all my tremendous financial prestige, I owe to one — thing alone—pluck, pluck, pluck." Studj. ent: " But how are we to find the right "■'.'■'. people to pluck " : Lady: "You seem! able-bodied and healthy. You ought to be strong enough ;— to work." Tramp: "True enough, — lady. And you seem beautiful enough - to be in the movies, but evidently you ■' , prefer, the simple life." :V '}/-.■'. - .' 'i - - - ',{,.. " I will admit, I haven't always lived ;': as I should,, but I do love your daughter ■; sincerely, and if ever I should make her unhappy, I hope I will be made to suffer for it." "Don't let that worry pouj . v, she'll attend to that." - •-,',—:" Admission ( two eggs " was. the price • : recently < charged for a concert in Wurt- •';■,.''-.;' tembnrg, . .This . .plan- of .protecting the ,/-'';„performers Jay cornering all the ammuni- ;<; , tion might be borne in mind by those —"' meditating a political career.: ••; ' ..' Nervous. Passenger (in aerial taxi, "rf about 5000 feet up) : " W-w-what' are ':■)■ you'l-l-laughing - at, driver?" Driver: — H'' I'm ■■. just laughing at the superintend- : ent. . About this time he'll be - searching ' ■/ 'for me all over the lunatic asylum." ... , -'• Gladys: "I am afraid you aren't as —;" pretty as nurse." Mama: "What "■0 makes you think -that " Gladys: ft;' " We've been walking in the park a S:" . whole hour and not. a single policeman :— has said, ' Hullo, baby, how's nurse — "Moses had indigestion, like you, mother," announced Elinor at the Sunday ';•■'•' "- dinner table. —"Why,' what makes you i think so ?" questioned her astonished —\ ; mother. " Because our Sunday-school '" teacher said:.' God gave Mosea two tab- j :-.■ lets.'" • --. -.;■..' j

\ . vi " The difference between a woman and ,f .*■-"_ a glass," said the funny fallow, "is that the glass reflects without speaking, while • a. woman speaks without reflecting." " And the difference between you and a '5.1 glass," said the sharp girl, "is that the ''.'■ i; i glass is polished." : - "My husband has rooms at his -% mother's house," said a' woman to a '■■■■% Magistrate, "and as I object to living * with relatives I could not go there. He - can come and live with me. U'£ "Quite right," said the Magistrate. !(& "Where are you living?" "With .my : ;i ; : i mother!" ; ' The club bore had been prating in the ir-.V smoking room of his capabilities—what • •• he had done, what he could do, and '■-'••* finished up by saying, "I always go by the old motto, 'If you want a thing & . done well, do it yourself.' " " Non- .: '• sense," said the quiet man in the .;.'. ;-; "Suppose you want a haircut?" The stationmaster, hearing a crash on .'. '.-: the platform, ran out of his room just in :'.' ; ' time to see the express disappearing around the curve and a dishevelled young ::'' man sprawling . amid several overturned V milk cans and the contents of his travel- .,' ling bag. Was he trying to catch the ■'<■<■" .train " asked the stationmaster ' of. a .;, small boy who stood by admiring the : ',;;:; scene. "He did catch it," said the boy, - i " "but it got away again." '.■.'*,''•■ " Bridget," said the young housekeeper who was fresh from college, "it would i ' '■[ v be useless for mo to disguise the fact that K'V your ignorance of grammar _is' very ;/:, ' marked. For instance,' does it sound right for me to say, Bridget, you've been a-settin' in. the drawing room ? * " No, ma'am,"; said Bridget frankly," it ', * don't sound right; but I ; were only a-set-tin' there the matter of a half-hour or so _~ . wid my cousin, Terence, who is just over. I s'pose the other housemaid has been frtattiin'."tf'vi:..." -... ; '''. ..'.:..■■.. ; ....■: . •■ ./.■.....■■■ ■■...;,■■:■■.-.';..'..' '.

SHORT STORIES. .:■-■ — ~ — - * ; BYRON'S DOG. A lady had a favourite lap-dog which she called : Perchance. "A singular name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet. Where did you find it?" "Oh," said she; "it was. named after Byron's dog. You remember where he says, 'Perchance my dog will howl* THEN THE FUN BEGAN. •Julia rushed to her mother one day in a most excited state. "Oh, Mother, we've had a lovely time! We've been playing postman, and wo gave every lady in the street a letter." "But, dear, where did you get the letters?" "Why, we found them in your trunk in the garret, all tied up with blue ribbon!" NEW COOK'S SUPPER. "James," said Mrs. Manners to the manservant, "can you find out if all the tinned salmon was eaten last night? I don't want to ask the new cook, because she may have eaten it, and then she would feel uncomfortable." "Please ma'am," ' replied James, "the new cook ate all the salmon, an' no matter what you'was to say to her you couldn't make her more uncomfortable than she is now." . - , AIDS TO SLEEP. Sir Walter Scott was in one of his walks, leaning on the arm of his faithful attendant, Tom Purdie. Said Tom, "Them are fine novels of yours, Sir Walter, they are just invaluable to 'me." "I am glad to hear it, Tom." "Yes, sir, for when I have been out all day, hard at work, and come home verra tired, if I sit down wi' a pot o' porter by the fire, and tak' up one o' your novels, I'm asleep directly." ORDINARY HOOFS. Sir Charles Russell, the famous barrister, who afterwards became Lord Russell of Killowen, was once examining a witness. The question was about the size of certain hoof-prints left by a horse in sandy soil. "How large were the prints?" asked the learned counsel- "Were they as large as my hand?" holding up his hand for the witness to see. " Oh, no," said the witness, honestly, " it was just an ordinary hoof." Then Sir Charles had to suspend the examination while everybody laughed. WHEN DIALECTS CLASH. A feature of. English Cup-tie football matches is the clash of dialects one finds among spectators. Sometimes an amusing passage will result. . On one occasion a Lancastrian who had followed his club to London was thrown by chance next to a sociable Cockney. During the afternoon the clouds began to gather, and the Cockney, looking up, remarked, "I think we're going to have a dahnfall." ; • "Dost?" (doest thou?) the man from Lancashire inquired. /" "N*aw you silly blighter, . ryne," the angry Cockney replied. , . . A WAITING GAME. One of the stories in Sir Harry Lauder's book, "A Minstrel in France," concerns two Highlanders who had captured Jia chicken. : ~~ ;•.•'" ,'"''",>' ; ; .' *; '*„ It was, writes the author, not particularly fat, it may even have been. a bit scrawny, but : still a live chicken. ■ That was a prize, since the bird seemed to have no owner who might get them into trouble with the military police. ■v One was for killing, and eating the fowl at once. But the other would have none of such a summary plan. „ . "No, no, /Jimmy," he said, pleadingly, holding the chicken protectingly. "Let's keep her until morning, and maybe we will ha' an egg as well!"-

QUITE HARMLESS. Lady Dorothy Nevill tells the following story of George Payne, who, though not altogether a very shining light in society, was always unruffled and pleasant : n conversation, with great aptitude of speech for extrication from any awkward situa- ■ tion. !; .-v .•:■ "Are you not coming to church, Mr. Payne?" was on one occasion the stern interrogation of his hostess, a very great lady, who descended upon him "in all the severity" of her Sabbath panoply. "No, Duchess, I am not," he replied, making swiftly for the door, but pausing as by a polite afterthought, previous to his exit, he exclaimed, with magnificent emphasis, "Not that I see any harm in it." BEN NEVIS. A certain member of a rural school board, after his election, lost no time in paying a visit to one of the local schools; The master happened to be engaged in a geography lesson, and the visitor asked if he might be allowed to put a few questions to the lads. He explained to the master that lie had recently made a tour in Scotland, and he would like to see what the lads knew about that country. The master, albeit with reluctance, gave his consent, and the school board member at once commenced his i unofficial examination. Unfortunately, hd had a certain fussy or abrupt manner with him which was not at all calculated to..put the boys at their ease. ' . Pointing to a little fellow in front of the class he said: " Well, I'll start with you, my lad. Tell me where Ben Nevis is?" - : .. ■■■-■ ' , f . 1 " Pl-pl-ease, sir," responded -the urchin, quite startled out of his wits by the suddenness of the question, " I'm sure I don't know. ■He ain't in our class, and I ain't never seen him.'.'..- . > (