ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17110, 15 March 1919, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

--■ -Us : " What game do yon play- best?" : She: "Soldiers." • l v ■ Workhouse Official: " Has* you toto pj'tr bath this morning? " Casual: "Why! M Is there one missin'?* M "I suppose vour idea of a «<& J™!" Si- is one who has everything ho watfaT IS" No; it's-one who has everything x £-'Tranfcl" ;| "How are her love ldttersr "Tame." • ■ -How's that?" " They are «^ d .£ i, her mother, her siflter, and two maiden aunts." | "I always believe in saving something for a nSnyday." " How much have you tsved!" M Oh, I haven't saved anything, feat I believe in it." Entering the patient's room early^ini the morning, the doctor picked up the cW* Sxdreld: 2 a.m.-Pationt very restless. . Nurse sleeping qiaeUy. -And you stowed that young man to We*™;, « - Yes " " That was very in-SJ'-Kofatall. I had looked up ha financial standing. Nurse (to proud father): -He gets on bitiiul sir" He takes after you he does. . He's got your eyes exact, and he do take his bottle so." <■ Old ; Aunt (despondently): "Well, I| •shall not -.bi. v » burden to you --longer."'- Nephew (reassuringlyV: "Don 'talk like that, aunt) you know you will. •' Manager: &a the next play I shall giro you a substantial rise." Actor :, Oh, thank vou, sir." Manager: Yes in the third a* a ( bomb sends you up through the ceiling." \ "My teacher gave me an awful call■town because I used inter for intern. Was that such a bad mistake, pop I *' Well, my son, I would call it a grave ' sort of mistake." Mr. Tymid: " I asked your father over the telephone for his consent. Miss ]freak: ' What did he say?" Mr. Tymid. "He said, 'I don't know .who you are, but you can have her.' Doris: "Was your CO. pleased, Algy,' when you told -him my. idea for beating Hko Germans on the western front;', -illgy : n Pleased,.l should jolly well think ]» was. "Why, he laughed for hours!" , Anxious Parent':'" " Doctor, my daughters appears to be going blind, and she is about to be married." Doctor: "Let her.! go rigbi on with the wedding. If any- , thmg-tcaa Open her eyes, marriage will!' ""' A number of Australian soldiers were "in: New York recently, and one woman] was heard to remark to another: " There > ' goes one of those Australians I" • " How do !■ yon know?" asked the other. " Why, you j; "'rail tell by the kangaroo feathers m his .'. ' : '■'■''. . '■■'m^y'i : .: " f <- $1 In one of the last battles of the; great • ■war a certain.city, had been recaptured - •; sad' was -found to be full of vermin and ; r insects.'" War is-indeed a' dirty business," , said the officer in charge of the relieving , ''foTcW;-.' " Now I know"why Napoleon } = kepthu band in his, coat." •; , ir :' • ; Editor; "Ho^V^the^new; society re- : porter? I told him to condense as much s •,' as.possible.'' distant;: "He did. Here's i -his account of yesterday afternoon's .tea.; .. : 'Mrs. ■-' Lovely .'/poured/' Mrs. Jabber ~' /."-.'roared, Mrs. Duller .-bored, Mrs. Rasping % ?M? gored, and Mrs. Fetchem snored.' ".',::"?:■- \ ,"■ .'.-: Agrrcußnral Parishioner (wishing to in- \ *;'._,'. ?mtote binaelfiwith the new '."curate,', who 1 given I a lecture " on; the previous even- , fjf Jug); " Thank ye, sir, for your reading to ■ ; ; : ; - Ekjed:it. John.'; I was afraid lest the lec- I ture might have'.been just a, little . too 1 * ■■' scientific." Parishioner: " No, bless yon,' \ ;'. not bit of it Why, we, in these parts f.-j /be just like docks. We gobble up any- i : " thing." ... - ",/ _ .-..■ , : . -^w' - V DEFINITE. ': Lamdlady: "Just when are you going to 'pay lip your arrears, of room rent?''. : y • ■■■■"■'■; Hard-np Author: "As soon as I : receive . ■£■ v . fhe cheque which the : publisher will send •- <' '4K ; me:' if .he accepta : the novel '1} am about, to commence when ; I have found a. suit- :■'; able subject'; and - the, necessary ? inspira-.-tiOD." ' •• /. 'V - : _;./. ,•' CHEERY. , ~» - Bachelor: ."Lot; me .'shake your hand, ... Brown/ old feller,' this is tone ?i of -"the ] happiest days of your life." ■•■ "• :• '.".'' V. rßrown: "Thanks awfully, but you've : " fc ; : „'made a mistake, old /Son. ::■..■ To-morrow's j ' my wedding day, not to-day," -' - •'/, J . Bachelor: ."I know, ;f-sThis is one of . the happiest days of'your life." ,','■■' :, ' * "HE STOOD REVEALED. . When Mr. Lloyd George was. speaking ; i at »' meeting in' Carnarvon Burghs, ; ;«,'•? f t heckler in rather bad-taste,"asked him if £.''.'» ,;h4.was awaxe/that his'grandfather 'once **? v drove a donkey and cart? .. "You will ,■■■"." forgrre ; ' me, ladies and : gentlemen," re- <• A totted the candidate.' ' 'The cart has ;'' quite escaped my memory. : i I eeo, how./ever, that the donkey ia efiD^afiyft-^'"^ '■• : ''' ■' : i f i : :i4';^'.::|i;,v/S'^~?-S* ! J^S-i''-! ;•■ ' DOCTOE'S OSII.Y : OBMO& :,-\ ' Wife: "Hello! Dr. Buynun? . .'Yes'?, ._Y Come right • away. Mr,- Little lias an-/ - other one of his' spells." \ , Doctor (half hour' laie*V:,= "Why didn't you send .* for - toe sooner! 'P. -. You \ should not have" waited. : till your r husband was . unconscious," : : .-"-, •...-■?;" -'•-. Wife: "Well, as long as he '. had his; senses he wouldn't let me send'for you." ; . SHE ■ EE'.P<ffiT : DISpOTETEOirS. - ;./ Lady: "Now that you 7 are leaving us, • ■■'' please go away : ' in a - respectable maimer. . When I engaged you, your box was brought here on a wheelbarrow. My - ■■ friends may have seen you come." • Maid: "That's all right, ma'am. My "new master and mistress are coming to meet; me at the top of the street in their motor car. They don't want people to /think they are calling on you." at EEPEOO7. «,, •,tt ■&■.... Rachaef had been frequently reprimanded by her mother for her eagerness to begin her dinner before grace bad been said. It cirae, however, as a shock to oil present when Bobby, her eldest brother, on whom devolved the duty of asking a blessing, took upon himself to administer a gentle reproof. ""For what' we are about to receive," he said, gravely, "and for what Rachel has already eaten, make us truly thankful." ?' TJBGITSSING THE SERMON. "Jibe, squire and : his family were walking home at the close of the church service, and were discussing the points of tbj sermon. "I'm bound to admit," said the squire, "that old Rogers can certainly dive deeper into the truth than any preacher I have ever heard.". """ ; "Yes," said his pert daughter, "and he can also stay under longer." .."Yes." echoed young Clarence, "and he comes tip drier.' ; ;; 'WHEN THE SPIRIT LETT THEM. .';'{■'&. certain clergyman, who was not dis- '-..*• inclined towards an "occasional glass, once • l v hired an Irishman to.clean out his cellar. i.'.i'iHe brought v out. a number' of empty ;;:;; 'whisky bottles, and as he lifted each one ' r. . looked to ; see if there was anything in & . The clergyman, who was walking on fy£f£#» lawn, noticed him and caid: '[,-, -. - ' "They are all dead ones, Mike," -/.•:>■■ "They are,"; answered.;tinodoing : hfj head. "But there w one gewd thing !& > iboui;'3i, they aU had the minister with v VS«m : whai tbey-were-dyfcg..";,. Y