ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIII, Issue 16205, 15 April 1916, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

■ "If some people should ever try to swal"low their pride they would choke to death.

No man is such a pessimist as to refuse to believe the good tilings he hears about himself.

"I want to sweep the '.obwebs from my brain." "Why not use a vacuum cleaner?" } •

The one time a woman can always hit what she aims at is when she casts reflections.

It's all right, to mount upward, but the fellow who falls from the top has the furthest to fall.

A woman feels that she has lost her grip when she can no longer twist a man around her little finger.

A man's memory proves that it is much easier to forget what to remember than to remember what to forget.

What a profoundly silent place this win Id would be if wo should talk only when we lave something to say.

Sergeant (to rather slow recruit): '■ X.hv then. President Wilson, you're a long time taking your coat off!"

" I differ the torments of hell," groaned a civilely ill man to Talleyrand. ' Already!" exclaimed the mercilessly ■nitiv uMtor.

'• From your bumps I should say you are a very quarrelsome fellow." "Well, you're a "liar, see?and if say it again I'll smash ycr jaw."

(tenderly): "When did you first know you love/I me?" He; "When I began to get mad when people said you Mere brainless and unattractive."

Doctor (to Mrs. Perkins, whose husbam. 1 is ill): " Has ho had any lucid intervals?" Mrs. Parkins (with dignitv): "'E's 'ad nothing except what you ordered, doctor.''

Barber: "I want a motto from Shakespore to hang up in my shop. Can you give mo one?" Patron: "Of course. How ■mil this do? 'Then saw you not his f.xe.' "

Captain: " What's he charged with, I a soy?" Officer: " I don't know the recall name fer it, captain; but I caught him a-Hirtin' in the park." Captain: "All, that's impersonate' an officer"

" Do you think that women ought to govern "Oh, yes," replied Miss Cayenne. " But I don't know whether it >Mmld always bo wise to call public attention to the fact that they are doing so."

" The old-fashioned boy used to respect every word his father said." " Yes," replied the rather cynical Youth; "but you must remember that the oh|-fashioned buy, had one of those old-fashioned lathers."

Tommy (dictating letter to be sent to his wife): "The nurses here are a verv plain lot of" Nurse: "Oh, come! I rty! That's not very polite to us." Tommy: "Never mind, nurse, put it down. It'll please her!" *

Soldier's Wife (alluding to black eye, a present from the lodger when asked for the rent): "It ain't my good looks I cares abaht, but tee the awk'ard position it put* me in. No one'll believe as my 'usband ain't back from the front."

'Bus conductors in London really are acquiring some knowledge of the French language. One was heard this week addressing a somewhat startled French passenger somewhat thus: "Piccadilly Circus? Doo pennies, ice-ee raoosoo, tray byang." It seemed to give him honest pleasure.

THE NEW AGE. The world is going to the yelpers; canons have given place to cannons; the mitre to niter, and Saint Peter to saltpeter.

SUGGESTIVE. " Does your wife favour useful gifts ?" " Too much," replied Mr. Jjfckton, " Last Christmas sh© bought mo a nice, new snow-shovel."

A KIND WORD. He : " Can't yon find anything pleasant o say about the members of my family!" She : " Well, I remember they .were all oppcred to our marriage." NO FRIENDS BELOW. Mrs. A. " Let's go and see that new medium. She claims that she can. call up any spirit you desire." Mrs. B.: " Thanks! I have no desire to communicate with spirits that have to be called up."

PRAISE? The artist's lady friend was being shown round the studio. "Oh, perfect," she exclaimed, looking at a picture; " those ostriches are simply superb. You should never paint anything but birds." The artist winced under the blow. "These are not ostriches/' he said, " they are angels."

A WISH. A prosing old gentleman who had a way of recounting long and pointless stories, of the boring of his listeners was once giving Douglas Jerrold an account of some stupid practical joke that he had witnessed, and concluded with, "I really thought I should have died with laughter.' "I wish to heaven you had," was Jcrrold'g comment.

WANTED IT THEN. Young Jones had married contrary to his father's wishes. Meeting his parent soon afterwards, the father said angrily: " Well, young man, I've made my will, and cut you off with a shilling I" " I am very sorry, father, ' s said the youth, contritely, and then added: "But you don't happen to have —er—shilling on you, I suppose?"

RATHER AKWARD. A visitor to a hospital for soldiers was surprised to hear the nurses addressing a soldier bv his Christian name, it being customary /or them to a'tfilress patients by their surnames only. On inquirv as to the distinction between this particular soldier and the others, they •aid:

" Well, you seo, his surname is Love, and this makes it rather awkward."

AN EXTENSION OP THE LESSON. The proprietor of an engineering works in Scotland was watching the leisurely efforts of an apprentice who was swinging his hammer in a gentle way. " Look here, laddie," he said, going up to the youth nd taking the hammer from him: " when I see a man that takes his hammer by the end of the shaft, and strikes a blow like that, J give that man 32s a week; . but a man that takes it in the middle like this onl.v jets 25s a week, and the sack whenever we get slack- See!" Hut the boy required an extension of his lesson. Please, sir," he said, "and where do I hold it for 5s a week?"

JOSH BILLINGS-HIS WISDOM. A man haz just as much rite tew si>e!l a word az it xi. pronounced az he haz tew pronounce it the way it ain't spelt. The best medisin 1 know for the rumat« is to thank the Lord it ain't the gout. I, , ; ; Menny people think they are wize when '. |tbey are only windy. ;'. -,'M J<alF every time yu feel tickled, and )a(I " ; |,', e m a while ennyhow. -; - til *A ei 'e it lots ov people in this world ■ ''.' t.;:): 10 spend so much time watching their .'..; healths that they hain't got no lime to j;.\ iy enjoy it. ■ ;}. -'t kosts a good deal tew be 'vize, hut it ' : ; . "on't ko>t enny tew he happy." .;. ■' Never git in a hurry; yu can walk, fur- ■ i. - •■ *. " |,a <]y than you can run.