ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15900, 24 April 1915, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

OfLvc to the bread famine in. Germany emt star actors have to bo content »with small Toles. , There may bo a slump in the diamond market, but wo are still making ringsround the Germans. "What course is Sarah studying at that boarding-school?" ''I can't remember, but I think it's cosmetics." The paving-stones of Ostcnd are being used by the Germans as walls for their trenches. "Rally behind the flag, boys.' If vou place your bubble of. greatness on exhibition you will always find somebody positively aching to stick a pin in it. "See here, milkman, I don't think the milk you are giving me is pure." "Madam, to the pure ail things are pure." "Am 1 good enough tor you?" sighed he. "No," said the girl candidly; "you're not. But you are too good for | any other girl." j "I ought to make a fine detective, j I observed the rent collector. "Why':'' asked the bobby. "Because I'm always finding people out." Overlooking Blackburn cemetery has , been stuck * i great recruiting poster, j which reads: "Wake up! Your King and country need you!" ! Mrs. Whiltlcr: "What delightful manners your daughter nasi" Mrs. Biler (piotidly): '" Vco ; you see, she has been away from home so much.'' Pupil (on geology expedition!: " B-Jt, , professor, I can't tell one of those rocks ! lro:n another." I'roiesaor: Why, that's . very queer! l"ou must be stone blind!" j lVa&«: ' Where have you been':" j Baggs: "Jn the hospital, getting cen- I sored." *Yajrg«: "Censored!" Baggs: : "Yes, I had several important parts cut | out." i

She,: "Why do Authors always speak of a smile creeping over the heroine's face':' He: " Perhaps they're afraid that fi it went any faster it might kick up ■- dust." Irate Diner : '"Hey. waiter! There's not a drop of real t-otfee in this mixture.'" Fresh Waiter: "Some little bird told you. I suppose?" Irate Diner: "Yes; a swallow.'' -""Alter all." said Kwoter, "it's a true savinij that "he laughs best who laughs last.'' 1 "Not at all," replied Wise. "•The really true saying is, 'Ho,laughs best whose laugh lasts." "

J'He: "I say, do let me introduce yon "to my pal, who's in the censor's bureau," She-.* "Considering lie must have read all my letters from Frank since he went to the front, I simply daren't!" ? Muggins: "Those girls are twins. They look so much alike I can't tell them •part." Buggins: "That's easy. One of them wears false hair." Muggins : "Even at that I can't tell which is switch." " Let me see," said the young man thoughtfully. "I've got to buy some ' .. flowers, and some sweets, and some theatre tickets, and—" " Doing mental arithmetic?" inquired his pal. "No; sentimental arithmetic." Moses, Junior: "Fader, a shentleman in do shop rants to know if dat all-vool norishrinkablo shirt vill shrink," Moses, Senior: "Does id fid him':" Moses, Junior: "No; id is too big." Moses, Senior: "Yah, id vill shrink!" ?i . : i Miss Redd: "Did you ' hear about one of our caddies getting married':" Miss Green: "'No: is that so?" "Yes; and he requested the organist to play something appropriate." "And did he?" " Yes; he played 'After the Ball.'" As a truly polite nation the French undoubtedly lead the world. The other day a famous Paris dentist's servant opened the. deor to a woebegone patient. " And who, m'sieu." he. queried, with tender regard, "shall I have the misery of announcing?" , Mary had come back from a fortnight's holiday to her home in the country. "1 hope you had a pleasant holiday," said her niistr&ss . " Yes, thank you, mum," said Mary. "I hear there is a new cemetery at your village." "Yes, thank you, mum; it is a lovely place, and is filling up nicely, mum." Professor Muensterberg (excusing the plunge through ' Belgium) : " Everybody knows that etiquette stops when the house is on fire.' 1 Plain, Ordinary Man : " But does etiquette stop and permit you to bolt through the honso of a peaceful neighbour to have a scrap with the fellow on the other side?" Tommy Tuck, after tucking away three portions of glorious plum pudding, passed up his plate for a fourth. But Mr. Tuck said firmly: "No, Tom.- No more plum pudding to-night, my boy. Don't you know you can't sleep on a full stomach?" "Well," whined Tommy, "can't I sle->p on my back?" "We'l, did you discovery anything in • Stump's past life that wo can use against him? Detective: "Not a thing. All he ever did before he came here was to sell awnings." Flection Agent: ''Why, that's just what wo want. We'll say that he ha 3 been mixed up in some decidedly shady transactions." A widow was seen busy with a wateringcan. over a new grave. "Why are you watering so busily?" asked a passer-by. Widow: "Well, 1 promised my first husband I wouldn't many again till his grave was green. I have just had a very good offer, so I'm trving to hurry things up a hit!" " I am glad to see you home, Johnny,'' paid the father to his small son who hart been away at school, but who was now home on his holiday. "' How are you getting on at school?" "Fine," said Johnny, "I have learned to say 'Thank you' and 'If you please' in French.' "Good!" said the father. "That's more than you ever learned to say in English.'' "Now," said the professor in th» medical college, "if person in good health, but who imagined himself sick. should send for you, what would you do?" "I," said a student, "would give him something to make him sick, and then administer an antidote." "Don't waste any more time here, young nan," said the teacher, "hut begin practice at once!" Gentleman : " I believe yoi: are the man of whom 1 bought this liking-stick?" Proprietor: "Yes; 1 sold you that walking-stick.'' "And you said the. handle was of genuine ivory, and I find that it is artificial." " I can't help it, sir. I import my ivory direct from Ceylon, and the only explanation that I can give is that the elephants have taken to wearing false tusks." At a dance, after the waltz, the girl's partner, a bespectacled young man, said to her : " Let's go and walk in the garden." "I don't want to go into the garden." the girl said shyly, ' without a iliaperon." "Oil, wo don't need a chaperon, I assure you." said the bespectacled young man. "Then." said the girl. " I don't want to go into the earden." OB den. While instructing his class regarding the early days of the New England .-...; States; a school teacher asked :" Do you ':.,-,* know thai the Houso of Burgesses' in '. .. those days were so powerful that it controlled the clothes worn by the men'' \ . man who earned 13 dollars a week and one whose salary was 50 dollars were ' : .'IT ?. >~ * IIOW a distinction in the gjrwg their means." A "bright scholar . Ktegj rcal ', ; the room b piped up.