ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVIII, Issue 14691, 27 May 1911, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

'/v I,*' r W *% n tho . man on the fence the top rail ; Mutually becomcs sharp. 1 . .<T hear-she is to bo married. .Who is I chappy man?" " Her father." '4 «Ho* qxaspcratingly clover sho is!" . wyes, tout, how consolingly homely! " «I didn'Uiccopt Harry tho first time ho ' proposed." "^ °> dear, you weren't there." A census extract from the house of fimith: "Emily Smith, head; John Smith, husband.""Don't you dread tho silent watches of' Iho night "No; it's tho grandfather's elock I detest." "He asked old Thomson for his daugh- . ter's hand." "-What did ho get?" "Thomson's foot." Husband: "You never kiss mo except when you want somo money." Wife: "Well, isn't that often enough!" "There are a lot of girls who don't ever ' intend to pet married." "How do you Jtnow?" "I've proposed to several." »Mv wife and myself had another foolish quarrel." "About what?" " About where wo would go if wo had money enough to travel." Speaker (warming to his subject): "What wo want is men with convictions, and where shall we find them?" Voice: "In jail, guv'nor." "Pray do not' hesitate, madam," said the judge to a witness who was asked to state her age. "The longer you hesitate the older you get." The Three Witches were making tho broth. "Great Scot!" muttered Macbeth, "can this be a school of cookery? " Thereupon he hastily fled. "Did you over feel that tho eyes of tho world were upon you? " "Once a year, when I wear the neckties that my wife gives me at Christmas." "I understand that after waiting 20 , years she married' a struggling man? • "Yes, poor chap. Ho struggled the beet . he knew, but she landed him." " I wish you would go over and eee how , old Mr. Webster is," saia a teacher to one of her pupils. The pupil returned promptly s with the information: "He's 78." "Do you joy your meals, old man ? "Do I enjoy my meals? " snorted the indignant dyspeptic. My meals are merely - guide-posts to take medicine before or after." "You pay too little attention to your personal appearance. Remember that clothes make the man." " Yes, but for me the man says he won't make any more . clothes!" "Jenkins lost ten bob at cards last night." " Oh, well, even a misfortune like • that ; has its bright side." "I'd like to know : where the bright side to that is." " I won . the money he lost." , '■, "Is it necessary to enclose stamps when \ sending you my poetry?" inquired the poet v? of the editor. "Indeed, it is!" replied the editor earnestly; " more necessary even than to enclose the poetry! " The counsel had been bullying the witp, ness for more than an hour, when he finally asked: "Is it true that there are traces of | - insanity in your family? " "Possibly," replied the 'witness, " for one of them's a : lawyer." ! Neighbour: "Why doe© your new baby cry so much?" Little Brother: "Well, if :* your teeth were out, your hair off, and your legs so weak that you couldna stan' on . them, I rather fancy you'd feel like cryin' V;: f yourself'." . J L. ft is estimated," says a contemporary, ||| ' that a man who lives to bo 60 years old F".,. has spent seven months in buttoning his • shirt collar." The time he spends in searching for that last stud • must be appalling to ' contemplate. A solicitor, about to furnish a bill of f costs, was requested by his client, a baker, ':.v 40 make it as light as he could." "Ah,' li replied the lawyer, " that's what you may say to your foreman but it's not the way 'I make my bread." The respondent in the divorce case ac- . . knowledged that-he had not spoken to his [v:, wife for five years. " What is your expla- • \nation? asked the judge. "Your lord- . - ship, he replied, "I didn't like to inter- - rupt tho lady." ' , '-Lawyers have grand reputations for . energy and perseverance. A lad said to his father one day: "Father, do lawyers . tell the truth?" "Yes, my boy," the lather answered, " lawyers will do any- . thing to win a case." Litigant: "Your fee is outrageous. Why, • it 8 more than three-fourths of what I re- ! - ®7' , , awor: "I furnished the skill • ; /he legal learning for your case."' Liti- '' «nu : U 1 ' B "ed the case." Lawyer: Uh, anybody can fall down a coal-hole." J Ba 7» Walker is about to retire from | Business, said one man to another. " He's ; capital chap and well deserves a rest. , ; Ji6s going to devote the remainder of his 'WW '^ 1 i lg J g0 ° d -" "Really?" asked the pother. And who is heGood, I meaW " 111 play y ' a roun ' on ' ''VTivi- hnks the morrn ." "The morrn'?" • imrn' '• Pe^ e i doubtfully. "Aye, the i on th« r 8 1f 'Til play ye a roun' ; : on the links the morrn r ." "Aye, weel," '• •S ( S dy " PU la y yo ' Bit 1 had in- . tended, to get married the morrn." • , .Littfo Mary went into the country on a ZL? i « grandmother. Walking in the Ed ?k sbe ehanccd to spy a peacock, v a ' into it d ' " eVer 6een - she ran quickly ; "I 10 the house, and cried out: "Oh, gran'fuH bloom!" 0 ' There's ' an old h^' 6 —»~ ' SLnw ? d mefc with rat her severe ttSf 114 from tho other side. "Indeed Joint more - than I should like to do with friS mih ngly retorted bis .learned ' t . dav"' B^'v-^ 6 doctor at your house yeeter'on thn i- S ' that boy of mine climbed up to and » r "u a } , ulg T when he was told not Ij. " „> T Ah, I see; ho fell and broke simon i» ot muc h! He's as sound as a fSt Tnri Ut mwife tried to whip him » and now sho s a nervous wreck." eiv 0 X ,m[" sn | c M , iss Gold °, "you must . Can rii I thought of me henceforth. I ffdSS b V UrS -':, '' Nevcr '" he cried ' "Oh P Never," she answered coldly. .v. off;w.z°K h ° mcd "There « X* she said it letor 1 know there are," , af«€rS? n ." 7 ' " l accoptcd one this Hhi 8 ' Por,^lJft: . '' Ifl Mrs. Smith her husr,?v*hv Wj ooo wife?" Poiteous: "No* "Whv M sll ! W^? " Mrs - I>or|?>»av Kft v,, I' e heard several people ■iSrS- " Hfi been u married before - Portethat doesn't 1 " married before, but '-$■ id wif!! ■> l° leßent Mre - Smith " - ;he has bten carried twice tv °Hho UnftpH h<> "l ihc Atlantic shore ;i|Wn, recenH t i ' who marr,ed a Seattle '' -""She entrap M hada . n^ V ? 1 oxerie when /your narnA?'» i. rsL ,l lini>6c cook - "What's ■ M "aries had' >, S aS m ' WJien tho reli miIfl'Ponff li T een „; d ' " M .v name is l-ttmcl? wavL ' l - said the Celestial with »' f i : ' ton y v And lam Mrs. HarrincJJ; employer „ said his new liable trt rAm uAm a ? r aid I shall never be Ml/ahaS ™ mbc your name-it's so long. ? aU y° u John ': "AH light," re- » v Ghlncs with a suspicion' of a i JSvJzsr 100 lo " m too. I