ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVII, Issue 14299, 19 February 1910, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Teaches "How many make a million, Johnny?" Johnny: ."Not many." ;, p(r?■■'•.', -t. "Why. Were -tie animals: takeninto the' ark?" "To get them' oat of Roosevelt's ,; .'; '>ay;i: supposfe/' ._;;.■;■..»,.;.■..,. ■{ Edith: "The corset factories v have re- . turned operations." Lillie : " Ah, that ■■■ V • 'means tight times again ; J '.', Small Boy : "Pa, what is an optimist?" 'I jr.: Pa: "An optimist, my son, is a man who doesn't care a rap what happens so t, that .doesn't, happen vtohiml" ■ - = j. . —; v Flubbe : " I'm going into the manufac- ,';=''.'.! ture ■'. of ■ something there ought to be S^jK' money in." Dubbe : "What is that?" S^l'Puhbep:" Pocket-books and purses." ■■:..;. &.■ l-\ "Your husband seems dreadfully ill at "'" ease this evening. Isn't'he well?" "Oh, S^i yes, he's quito well;- bat, confidentially, • ,'' lie's breaking-in his heavy underwear, and ,«M||four: house is terribly warm." ; T. . Mrs. ties* : " There I've hung Sl|ji,|the children's. stockings. I ; wonder; what Santa' Clans will bring!" ?jMrs; -i Cutting;: ;;{,•« \"!,'Well "if he'sajt bring?" Mrs. Cutting: .; '■Well if he's %t all observing he'll bring r*«Hi .iome \ darning' cotton and needles■!".; Spilt Magistrate (to prisoner): "Did you really call this gentleman an old fool last ;, night?" Prisoner (trying to collect his thoughts) : "The longer I look at him the? I^l^hibre^ probable it;; seems to me that I '^|,^did." r _ I ■ ■' Fwity- She: "Oh, Tom, papa going to give us ,a cheque at; .our wedding instead of a preiient." He:" right; we'll have "the ceremony at noon instead of four ■■ - o'clock." She : " But why, dear?'.' He "Banks close at three." "' i u ' , ■ • ______ : ■"•■ ■ '"'■■;".'".'"...,;'.;"..' .'.;?( ~-/,, ' - _-—-_•. ■Judge '.:■'" Three times in a month ! What do you make of this, sir ■"■ \ .I: Rastus ; (apologetically) :, ".'Deed, I doan' .make nuffin'. You fellows up here seem .' .to be de only • ones dat get any 'cuniary '~k' : ; profit cut of hauling me up." / K.'U'';'f'Jfi, The manager of a theatre, who was ap ' plied to for the "character" of an actor /'formerly engaged tby him, replied:— , " Dear -—,-rrVou ask about my late * \£4 leading gentleman. He plays Lear, Ham-, ; lfct, Romeo, Faust, and Billiardsthe last . ;w3st;~-Yours - truly/, •; ." - . ' _i '-'■"■ ;•'! Oh, merchant, in thine hour of eee, ~..'\'\; f " If on this paper you should~c£c,>- ; '. " ,'.- Take our advice, and now be yyy,••:■ ,' *' Go straightway out and advertiii. - ,-.'r«r You'll And the project of some nun. '~.'. -Neglect can offer no exqqq. ~ , ,'••', Be wise at once, prolong your daaa. .... >. ;. M.''.• A silent business, soon dkkk. •;; : \, . \ Biddle : " Gasham is about as thought- .,'.':.- !b1 a man .'as . I'ever met in all my tra- ■ v.;'i ! ';f..Vels.", Darton: " Is that so?", Biddle : ' .; : " Yes ,* the other night, before, knocking -X a fellow down who had insulted him, he : (rang the night-bell; of a doctor, so that fellow should not.want for. surgical 1 l "attendance." \ ~ > ■'■' ■'.'"" ■'■'-.'•'*; "Well, did he pay you asked the "wife of a dentist who had. been to col-. , ''Meet a bill for a full set of false teeth >, ! '-that ho had : made for a man almost a " ; : year before. " Pay me," growled the den- ',':;,•; list. " Not only ; did he refuse to pay .■.':' 'me, but he actually had - the effrontery to I .gnash at . me— my teeth !", ■■':J.~ ■, ./.Chamber's: "I A think .a- man should. ;hever miss an opportunity of improving , ' r his.mind. I don't wish to' boast, but.l . .; ; can; truthfully :•• say that I began to ini:; i. :■;. 'v'i'Ove my mind as a young man, and have v ' ' ;,. tone on doing so' ever since." ? Chubbs | «•■•'{' (reflectively) : "Great Scot!.,:. What.a i r * ■state your mind must have been M when i ; ! " J you started on iti' 5 v , ;■■■•-■:.';■ ■■■• ; ■