CHILDREN'S COLUMN.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 12928, 26 July 1905, Page 2 (Supplement)

CHILDREN'S COLUMN.

COMICAL STORIES FROM SCHOOL "What is the feminine of 'hero?"' asked a master of his class of Board School small boys. There was a pause, when the biaster, catching one lad's eye, said, "Well you tell me." "'Shcro,' sir," shouted the, " little fellow. At a rural school the master ■ had got correctly from various scholars that the masculine of "Mrs." was "Mr.," tHat the masculine of "lady" was "gentleman" " and so on, and he asked for the masculine 1 of "Madam." "Madam Adam," answered the " village prodigy." Then, again, when elsewhere, the degrees of adjectives were Under discussion, the master asked for the superlative of the adjective " nice." tin went a hand, and there came the really sui\ ' prising answer, "Jam pudding!'' ' _ True school yarns liko these are almost invariably amusing, often owing their en - tertaiiiing qualities largely to the element of unexpectedness that they present. IV instance, an inspector of schools once' asked ' " What is the feminine of 'lion?"' "£ioh ess," was the instant answer. "Of 'mar" qitis?" "Marchioness" came almost as';-' promptly. "Of ' Dutchman?"' "Duchess sir," without hesitation, volunteered neiirlv the entire class. '

At ail oral examination, in geography the master asked, " What is the capital'- of China?" Amongst others, one boy - raised his hand after some deliberation, and the master turned to him. " Well, William What do you say is the, capital of China'" "Please, sir," responded William, "n O . body knows, because the Chinese" won't let strangers from other countries go in ami see!" Was the lad thinking of Tibet? t)ur • ing another geography lesson, an. inspector' desiring to give the boys some idea of nnyi! ' : gation on inland waterways, asked, "Whit ' would you expect to see on rivers?", hoping of course to get the answer "Boats" 'or "ships." Fortunately for the sake of this ' story ho pointed to one particular lad, alid 'said, " You, boy, what. do you say we find 011 rivers?' "Bits o' sticks and straw, sir!" What we may term schoolboy logic toe is often peculiar. For example, one youth explained that "the reason why bi;ef Is so dear is that cows cost so much and tile earth is getting full of people." Here la a subtle deduction of trip same thinkerCows are In fields; but "you mustn't" go ill if there's a board Up. How would your mothers like you to be called trespass? Therefore," he proceeds, "we learn from the cow the lessor not to trespass!" This same youth it was who volunteered, "If • a bull wanted 'to hurt my mother, I should pull mother in a hedge, and t-lieh kick. out!" • ■ , . ■ Schoolboys', essays on various topics are often far from being dull reading. We will give some extracts from one 01 two, commencing with an essay haying "The Cat" for its subject. "The bouse cat is a four-legged quadruped, ' the legs as usuerl being at the corners . . . When it is happy it does not bark, but breathes through its nose, in-' - stead of its mouth, but I can't remember the name they call the noise. It is & littie word, but I can't think of it, and it is wrong to copy. . . . Don't teese cats, / for,, firstly, it is wrong to do so, and 2nd,' cats liave clawses which is longer than people think. Cats have 9 liveses, but which is seldom required in this country because of Christianity. . . . This tame quadiii- ' ped can see in the dark, so rats stand to chants, much less mice." There is philosophy in this, and some ra ther shrewd observations ' arc found in another boy's effort, dealing with the subject of politeness. .■■ : , "It is not polite to fight little boys, except they throw stones at you. Then you can run after them, and when you've caught them just do a little bit at them, that's all. Remember that all little boys are sim- 1 pletons, or they wouldn't do it. . . . Never eat quickly, or you might get hohfes ' in your throat.' My father knows of a boy • who got killed over his Sunday dinner. The greedy boy was picking rabbit in a hurry, and swallowed a bone of it,; and my father . says ho was choked to death there and theiii Bo .very polite over your meals, then,- es- ■ pecially when it's rabbits." Asked to confide what he knew of the "Robin Redbreast," one lad explained that robins live about as long as other birds "of the same size." They do not, he! pointed out, live as long as grown-up people, because, aS is at once apparent, the latter arc so much larger! 4' ! i"A Visit to the Zoological Gardens" ie surely a "model" subject for a boy's essay I Let us examine the "results" of one observer. v , ■ "Of all the animals in the world, the Zoological Gardens is the most. You go in ( by a gate, and, -when you have gone a bit ' way down, there they are all around you. , They can't run about and hurt you, coz there's a kage dropped over them all. . . The lion is yeller, but not so yeller as in the pictur book. ... I said to my mother, 'I should like to hear the lion aroarin'.' When she said, 'Why, that was a-roaring just now when the keeper looked in at him.' Then I nearly oried, ' I was so wild why,'it wasn't like thunder and , lightnin' at all. It just opened its mouth wide, like as yer seed men sittin' at their doors and a-g&ping on Sunday afternoons,' and it yoped no louder than a apple cart man does. ' The hippopotamus, later on, was described as "likj a little elephant with its , , trunk'sawed off. Its skin is so thick that it can stay in its pond all day without the water soakin' through." These, be it remembered, are, we repeat, i all quite true schoolboy tales, vouched for - and told by an actual schoolmaster, and they are taken. from an amusing book entitled, "The Comic Side of School Life," ' written by Mr. Henry J. Barker (Jarrcid • and Sons, London, price 6d). Most readers, however, who hare got as far as this point; will have recognised that the stories we are telling bear the imprint of tie " genuine article."

Now, would l you like to learn something , about "The Turkey?" Well:— . "The Turkey is a large blew bird, genelly fat, with thick legs. . . . The Turkey gives us nice Turkey to eat at Christ-; mas, if you can afford it. . . The Turkey makes a queer noise called goblin. ._. Boys pretend they're got a bit of bread in ; their hands when it's only orange pill, and when the Turkey comes up nicetly and picks it out of their hands, it sneezes it out of its mouth again, and then ohiveys them a long way up the road. Boys like the Turkey to run after them, because they get, home quicker without feelin' tired, and the Turkey lias to go all the way -back." One more story and we must finish. There was a certain individual who attended periodically to inspect a class of hoys. He delighted in trying to put "awful posers" tc them. One day lie came in during a. geography lesson, and, taking the plaoe . of the master, asked: "If 'I bored a hole right through th© 1 earth till I came out at the other side, where should I be?" Needless to say. the answer was " New Zealand or "in the • Pacific Ocean." Just under the questioner's nose sat a youth not at all noted for an agile wit, but when the visitor repeated', "I say, where should I be?" the lad referred to bawled the prompt reply, "Off yer head, sir! Yer caii't do it!" ■

Thai; must be our final example; fchOW who ask for more rati easily procure thelittle work itself, and continue to revel in? its many similar good things.—