ODD STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XL, Issue 12280, 26 May 1903, Page 3

ODD STORIES.

STARTING A TRAIN. A FiFKsriißE paper tells an amusing story. For unseemly rapidity of. locomotion Scot-,, tish railway trains have an infamous and dangerous repute. It is probable that the North British railway is the hero of the yarn: —Golfer (who has beeu doing St. Andrews, after an unusually long stoppage, at small station): "I say, guard, why aren't we going on? Anything wrong?" Guard (who is peacefully taking his lunch): " There's liaething wrong. But I canna whustle the noo; my mouth's fu' o' biscuits."

MATTER-OF-FACT. Some years ago there lived in Perth a. man of weak intellect, well known by his Christian name, Jamie. due dark night an acquaintance found Jamie lying at the foot of an outside stair. "Is that you. Jamie?" asked the acquaintance, in a voice of the greatest astonishment. "Ay, it's me," replied Jamie, in a tone of complete resignation. "Have you fa'en doon the stair?" was the next question. "Ay ! I fell doon ; but I was comin' doon, whether or no." To illustrate" further the matter-of-fact - ness of the Scottish people, David Pryde mentions that a company at an artist's house were talking about their successes and failures.

'• i)n you find it difficult to sell your, pictures V" said the lady of the house to an artist who had been perfectly silent. " No," said he, in a slow voice; " it's no difficult—-it's impossible." A country doctor met one day the son of a patient of his who had been very ill. "Well, my lad," said the doctor, "how is your father this morning?" "He's deid," replied the boy. "Dead!" cried the doctor. "Was there a medical man beside him when he died?" "No," answered the lad; "he jist deid hi'ssel'." SMOKING HER OUT. A company of Edinburgh students were starting for Glasgow on a football excursion, and meant to have a railway carriage to themselves. At the last moment, however, just as the train • was starting, in hastened an old woman.

One of the young fellows, thinking to get rid of her easily, remarked: "My good woman, this is a smokingcar, don't you know?" " Well, well," answered the woman, "never mind, I'll male it dae," and she took a seat.

As the train started, the word was passed round, " Smoke her out." All the windows wore closed, accordingly, and every student produced a pipe, and soon the car was filled with a. dense cloud of tobacco smoke. So foul became the air that at last one of the boys began to feel sick. As he took his pipe from his mouth and settled back into his seat, the old woman leaned toward him.

"If ye are dune, sir," she said, in a wheedling tone, " would ye kindly gie me a bit draw? f came awa in sic a haste I forgot mine." RATHER AWKWARD. A Yorkshire farmer was asked to the funeral of his neighbour's third wife, and, as he had attended the funeral of the first two, his own wife was rather surprised when he informed her that he had declined the invitation. He would give no reason for some time, but his wife would not be put off, and, on being further pressed, he said with hesitation " Well, thee sees, lass, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward like to be alius accepting other folk's civilities, when he never has nowt o' t' soort to ax 'em back to."— Cassell'a Saturday Journal. OVER-REACHING PAT. An English tourist on his arrival at Dublin hired an Irish cabby to take him and his baggage to one of the principal hotels. When he arrived at his destination he gave the driver half-a-crown. The cabby looked at it in supreme contempt, and asked him what that was for.

" That is your fare," said the Englishman. At this the Irishman became so violent and abusive that the tourist threatened to take his name and summon him.

"Do it if you can," said Pat. The Englishman took out his notebook and walked round the car to look for his name, and found it was scratched out. "I see your name is obliterated," said th« tourist. "Pwhat?" says Pat. " I see your name is obliterated," said the Englishman. •'Faith, then you're a liar," cried cabby; " it isn't, it's O'Grady." COULDN'T DO IT. " D'you know." said the missionary, who was spending a brief holiday in Texas, to the cowboy, " that you should love your enemies?" " That's a thing 1 can't do, boss," replied the truculent six-footer. "What! 1 am sure a man like you could do anything if he tried." "Anything but flint, pilot; it's impossible."" "Impossible!" echoed the missionary, both surprised and hurt. "HowV" "I ain't got one to love. I shot the last this morning," "K.C.M.G." A story told at the expense of a rather pompous individual recently appointed governor of a distant colony is going the rounds of the clubs.

The pompous one. on the way out to take up his appointment, was approached (»n the promenade deck by an innocentlooking fellow passenger, who humbly inquired .- — " Would you mind telling mo what K.C.M.G. means at the end of your name, sir? It has puzzled one or two of us, and bets have been made on the subject." "Knight Commander of Michael and George, of course," said the pompous one, as he inflated his chest.

" Oh," said the innocent, " I've lost my bet. I thought it meant 'Kindly call me Governor.' "