ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 12070, 13 September 1902, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"What are you doing with that little watering-can, Johnny?" "Sprinkling the baby's head so's his hair'll grow."

A Secret of the Sea.—Passenger: "Look here, steward, if this is coffee t want tea; but if this is tea. then I wish for coffee."

Higher Education on the Rising Generation.—"What's twins, Bobbie?" "Twins. Mary, ate little children what the Mormons has."

Ethel: "What makes the baby cry so'.'" Dot : ".Mamma says it's 'cause he's getting teeth." Ethel: '-'They must be an awful bad fit." "I want au apple, please," said Molly. "You've just had one,' said mamma. "I know 'at,"' said Molly ; " but it wasn't the one I wanted." He Meant Having Something." I never give to beggars on the road." "Will yer honour oblige me with yer name and address, and I'll call on yer." Earning a Living.—Nephew : " I'm going to get married, uncle." Uncle: "I'm very pleased to hear it. You ought to be doing something towards earning a living." Mated Them.—Gertie: "Why do you always call your mother ' the mater':' " Jack: "Oh! that's because she managed to find husbands for every one of my seven sisters." The Profession Again.—Patient: "I can't possibly put any flesh on; what do you recommend "'" Doctor: "What are you?" Patient: "An actor."' Doctor: "Here's sixpence, go and get a meal." A chiropodist in Vienna advertises his business and his skill by a sign which bears the following inscription: "Chiropodist and pedicure. Twenty-five years' experience. Have treated corns and bunions on many of the. crowned, heads of Europe." Hard of Hearing.— (/male (for third time to very deaf parishioner): "I say, what induced you to send for me'.'" " Deaf Parishioner: "What's he. say. Margaret? I can't understand him!" Margaret: "He says, why the. deuce did you send for him?'' Violet: "T never had such a streak of luck. He fell in love in Rome, proposed in Naples, and bought the ring in Paris." Daisy: "Did your fuck end there?" Violet: "Oh! no. While we were at Monte Carle- he won enough from papa for us to get ma tried on,"' Stranger: "I beg your pardon, sir, but you have it in your power to do me a great favour, and one that I will gladlv repav." Bankrupt (sadly): "I? I am afraid von have made a mistake. I am of no use lo anybody. I have- just, failed for half a. million, and with no assets." "So I heard." " But what can a miserable bankrupt iike me do for anyone?'' "I want you to tell me, sir. how you got so much credit.'' Doubtful Party (to gentleman) : " Can you assist me, sir, to a trifle? I'm a stranger in a strange land, fifteen thousand miles from home." Gentleman: "My goodness, where is your home?" Doubtful Party: "Australia." Gentleman (handing him" a copper): " How do you expect to get back there?" Doubtful Party (balancing the penny): Well, if I don't do better than this, sir, I suppose I'll have to walk."' A woman in the waiting-room at Victoria the other day had a great deal of trouble with one of bet children, a boy of seven or eight, and a man whe sat near her stood it I as long as possible, and then observed: — " Madame, that boys of yours needs the strong hand of a father."' " Yes, .' know it," she replied, " but he can't have it. His father died when he was six years of a<*e, and I've done my best to get him another and tailed. He can't have what, T can't get. i Would you care to try yourself?" The listetter had fled.