ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11229, 25 November 1899, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Wife: "Oh, Jack! there's a burglar in the house!" Jack (sleepily): "Nevermind. I paid for your new hat to-day." Some girls can sweep into a room with style and grandeur, but when it comes to sweeping out a room— that's a mother's story. " Aren't you afraid your son will get bis brains knocked out, playing football?" " No; as lie looks when he is playing, I don't think he has them with him." " I wondet why Fred spends so much of his time at the .club now." "He says bis wife has been reading a book on 'How to Make the Home Attractive.'" Aunt Mary: " What arc you crying for, Johnny?" Little Johnny: " I belong to two Sunday schools, and they're both going to have their treats 011 the same day." "I would die for you!" exclaimed her elderly lover, passionately. "Oil, don't!" she answered, in alarm. " I like your hair and moustache so much better as they are!" " You haven't another cigar like the one you gave me the other day, have you?" "Yes; here's one." "Thanks, old man. I'm trying to break my boy of smoking." "What's the matter, old man?" "Nothing but dyspepsia, nettle-rash, rheumatism, hay-fever, and a feeling of utter fatigue." " I didn't know you had been away for your holiday." Mrs. Peck: " I believe that every one of the miters of these articles making fun of married life are single men. ] don't suppose that one of them was evei married." Henry: "N-n-no, dear; lie wouldn't be writing jokes about it if he was." Judge Addison told a witness that- he spoke as if he had a potato in his mouth. " Speak up, man," lie went 011, " speak upas if"he was a sailor—" you were on board ship and addressing one of your mates." "I'd best not-, your worship," said the sailor. A sweep prosecuted a resident in the suburbs of Edinburgh for debt. " And what is your name?" Jamie Gregory, LL.D., sir." "What? Doctor of Laws? And where on earth did you get that distinction?" " 'Twas a fellow fra an American university, an' I sweepit his chimney three times. " I canna pay ye cash, Jamie Gregory,' he says, 'but I'll make ye an LL.D., an' we'll ca' it quets.' And he did." There is a man who fancies he is the head of bis bouse. This particular man has several small children, and it- pleases him to discourse a great deal of the training of children. A few days ago he had friends visiting him. His two little sons began to play about noisily. It is one of his theories that children should obey implicitly. He wanted his friends to see how he carried it out in the training of his own children. " Johnny," he said, sternly. " Stop that noise instantly." Johnny looked up in surprise, then grinned a little. " Oh, Freddy," he said to his brother, as they went on with the noise, I " just hear papa trying to talk like mamma."