ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXII, Issue 9711, 5 January 1895, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

I His : " Man proposes—" She : " Yes; but j he needs encouragement.' | The pessimist is a man whose cap of joy is broken and half the fragments lost. A true word is often spoken in jest but we always like it to be about some other fellow. It is a curious circumstance that none of the magazines or papers especially devoted to fiction ever publish weather reports. Caller: "Wonder if j I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged?'' Little Boy: "Engaged? YVhatcher givin' us? She's married." " Doctor: "Arid how are you feeling today? You seem to cough a good deal easier." Consumptive Patient: Yes; bob think of the practice I have had, doctor !" Editor: "Dr. Emdee has sued us for libel!" Assistant: "What for?" Editor: " I wrote, 4 The doctor felt the patient's pulse before he prescribed for him.' And the intelligent compositor, instead of 'pulse,' put'purse."' Mrs. Catchings (weeping): "Didn't you hear about it? Mary has run off with thaO young Gillington. It's awful, awful, awful Mrs. Gadders (a social rival) " Well, I should say so ! have his parent! offered a reward for him yet?' 1 A certain well-known religious reran recently made the following announcement in its report of a sermon: "A painful occurrence took place last Sunday, in this holy edifice, a woman fell from one of those seats while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly intoxication •" Doubtful.—First Suburbanite: "How do . you like your new neighbour?" Second Ditto : " Can't tell yet whether I like him or hate him." "Why?" "The first thing he did was to put up a high fence, and I haven't been able to discover yet whether it is to keep his chickens in or my chicken? out." Mr. Pills (locum tenens for the parish doctor): " Tut, tut I Dear me, you want a complete change —perfect quiet and seclusion, regular hours, muscular exercise, and a strict dietary scale." Bill Sikos (lately of B.M.'s convict establishment): " What I Why, guv'nor, I don't want to be run in'ag'in—l on'y come out a' Toosday." *' • Wife, returning from church, to her husband, who had stayed at home: "Yoo should have heard Dr. Doe's sermon against dishonesty this morning, my dear. I don't know when anything has made such a profound impression upon me. I think it will make a better woman of me as long as I live." Husband: "Did you walk home?' Wife t. 41 No, I took a tram ; and, do you know, John, the conductor never asked ms for my fare; eo I saved twopence 1 Wasn't I lucky •