ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 7020, 17 May 1884, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

The' beat method of disposing of half of the slanders of the age is to pay them no attention. The other half may be lived down. Two lovers have jmit made up after a qnarrel which took place 58 years ago. The poor fellow held out aB Long as he could. " Overcome by gas," is the heading of a daily paper. We knew those tremendous gas bills would kill Bomobody sooner or later. As a regiment, headed, by its band, marched by, a little boy remarked, "I say, ma, what is the use of all those soldiers who don't play?" Nothing is so wholesome, nothing does bo much for people's looks, as a little interchange of the Bmall coin o£ benevolence and good feeling. Obedience is a habit, and mußt>be learned, like other habits, rather by practice than by theory—by. being orderly, not by talking about order. „;.,. • When Samson made fun of the Philistines he literally brought the house down, but he was not requested to repeat the startling performance. A great deal depends upon a man a courage when he is slandered and traduced. Weak men are crushed by detraction, but the brave hold on and suceed. " My best thoughts are always the hardest to write," said a'literary man. " Yes," replied an acquaintance, "and they are always the hardest to read." A Texas man haa invented a machine for washing dishes. Now lot him go ahead and rig up a whole hired girl on the same plan, and he will make his fortune. The force of habit is fully illustrated in the case of a retired milkman, who says he never sees a can of water without having an almost irresistible desire to put some milk into it. A rich lord left in hiß will legaciesto all his servants except his steward. " I did not leave him anything," he said, "because he has been in my service more than 20 years." People build houses by putting all the carved freestone and embellishments on the front aud all the cheap brick at the back. Some characters are built in the same way precisely. ' " Did you put your arm round her waist ? asked the counsel in a breach of promise case. "Well, yes, "I did," admitted the plaintiff.' "She asked me to, and' I never deoline a pressing invitation like that." . "Alas 1" said a moralising bachelor, within earshot of a witty young lady of the company, " this world is at best but a gloomy prison 1" " Yes," sighed the merciless minx, "especially to the poor creatures doomed to solitary confinement !*'

"Where are you going 2" cried a Scofcoh gentleman to a thief whom ho observedcrawlirig through a hole in the hedge into his garden. " Back again I" replied Sawney, as he hastly retreated from hiß. dißOOvered aoceis to the tempting fruit. Distracted parent: "My daughter has no talent for mnsio, and yet by her constant practising she persists in making herself a nuisance to the family. What would you advise?" Family counsellor: "Marry her into some other family." A Irish lady wrote to her lover, begging him to send her some money. She added by way of postscript: "lam so nahamed of the request L have made in this letter that I sent after, the jpostman to get it baok, but the Bervant could not overtake him." "Yes," said the Bociety young man, ?'I think she is indeed a charming girl; and such a brilliant conversationalist. I talked with her for upwards of ten minutes the other evening, and we didn't refer to the weather but just once during the whole time." Teaoher; " John, what are your boots made of 2" " Of. leather, sir." Teaoher: "Where does the leather.come from 2" Boy : " From the hide of the ox." Teacher: "What animal, therefore, supplies you with boots and shoes, and gives you meat to eat 2" Boy: ." My father." ; .'.:.>'., A young Indian widow, following the usage of her country, was:about,to burn herself together with the ashes of her, deceased husband.',"; jV You go t rejoin the spouse whom you have lost)" said the priest encouragingly. " What!" said she, "to rejoin my hußband 2 In that case I shall remain where I am."',.. " What are these cups for 2" asked a well dressed man of a jeweller, pointing to some elegant silver cups in the show case. ' 'These are race cups to be given as prizes to the best racer."' "IE that's so, 'suppose you'and I raoe for one," and the stranger, 1 with the cup in hand, started, the jeweller after him. The straDger won the oup.