ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 6996, 19 April 1884, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A man who has tried it says that all the short cuts to wealth are overorowded. Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge ? —Because it has to be ground before it is used. He that has four shillings and spends five has no need of a pur.se. Fools and obstinate men make lawyers rich. A lawyer, too proud to allow his friends to suppose that he practices in the divorce courts, advertises " Misfit marriages a specialty." Never confide your secrets to paper ; it is like throwing a stone into the air, and if you know who throws the stone, you do not know where it may fall. " A young wife's greatest trial" is probably to find out whether it would be proper to starch her husband's shirt all over or only the bosom and cuffs. The are persons who have more intelligence than taste, and others who have more taste than intelligence. There is more vanity and caprice in taste than in intelligence. " Is it true that when a wild goose's mate dies it never takes another?" asks a young widow. " Yes, but don't worry about that. The reason it acts that way is because it is a goose." Little Andy having got to the head of his class, his father remarks, "I hope you'll stay there now," to which the thoughtful. boy responds, " Oh, no, papa, I don't think I will; I might get too proud." The wedding service has been so arranged, that the bride responds to the usual questions after the groom has responded, tio we see even in the outset of married life that woman is bound to have the last word.

Rev. Samuel Earnshaw, of Sheffield, says that he was once marrying a couple when he said to the man : " Say after me, ' With my body I thee worship.'" The man innocently asked :—" Must I kneel down to her ?"

"How is Johnnie doing at school ?" asked a lady of Johnnie's mamma during a call. "Splendidly. He talks in two languages now." "Dear me. What are they ; French or German ?" " Oh, no. English and profane."

Neighbours are very consideratein Norway. When a baby is born a placard is nailed up on the door informing the cbmmunity of the fact. Those who wish to move put of the vicinity are thus enabled to do so in good Beason.

"No, sir," said the young lawyer who was paying attention to a fair maiden, "no, sir, I don't like a circuit court. There's no fun in being chased around the house by a cross dog before getting a chance to dive in at the frontdoor."

As hair is the most indestructible part of the human body, and is known to have survivedfour thousand years in Egypt, it is strange that so many modern gentlemen are unable to keep it on their heads for a quarter of a century. "My dear wife, this man and I were inseparable friends at college. When one had no money ho always used the pocket book of the other; is it not so, Mr. Miller ?" "Yes, just so; and I remember very well I was always the other."

An Afriaan lion-hunter cuatributes the following:—"How to catch lions.—The desert is composed of sand and Hoiis. Take a sieve and sift the desert; the lions will remain. These you place in a bag which you the purpose."

If you want knowledge, you must toil for it; if food, you must toil for it; and if pleasure, you must tc:l for it. Toil is the law.. Pleasure comes through toil, and x not by self-indulgence and indolence. When one gets to love work, his life is a happy one, ■

" Have you brought your gimlet with you?" "Hush, Johnny," said Mrs. Yerger. "Go to bed, sir," remarked Colonel Yerger. " Whttt ;do. you mean?" asked Gus. "I don't mean nufiln; except I heard Pa say you were coming up" th'is evening to bore us all."

A Scotoh laird, on a< market day, went into a tavern with a friend "and ordered some whisky. The waiter, when he set down the measure, asked, if they wished to have wnteralong with the spirits. N». " said the laird ; "had ye no better try tae tak'>7ot the.water that's in't already ?"

" We have been married now twenty-five years," said a lady of somewhat vinegary disposition,' "let.us go to church to-day and thank God." "You can try it," answered her husband. "Yes you hare "reason to do so ; I haven't. If I oelebrate the duy at' all; I'll hunt up come sackcloth and ashes."