ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XX, Issue 6829, 6 October 1883, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Up in arms.—The midnight baby. Thra Farmer's Inquiry.—" Hay ?" A Mixed Gathering.—Vulgar Fractions. . Ribbons point no oaoral, but they can adorn a tail, : " • Strawberry shortcake is so called because it is short of strawberries. Another hotel horror, as the man said when the hiish was set before him. How to 1 . Start a Game of Foot-bawl.— Thread on somebody's corns. Whom the gods would destroy they first make other people mad with. In one respect the bootblack resembles the sun. He can't shine when it rains. It in understood that a rule of art is reversed in the burlesque actress. She must learn to paint before she'ean draw. Misery may love company, but the'small boy doesn't when there's a limited supply of fruit cake on the tea table. Pat says that if men cculd only hear their own funeral sermons and read their headstones!, there would be no living in the world with them. "Ill's always a Eign of stormy weather," said delighted Mrs. Ramsbotham, at Margate one day, " when you see the purposes rolling about in the orphan." It is claimed that the seventh sou of a seventh son possesses marvellous gifts of healing,, but a raoe of scoffers are prone to believe that all he can heel is an old stocking. Brown dosen't like his new coloured domestic so well as he had anticipated. She is never at home evenings; always going somewhere. She is, in fact, a regular Dinah out. "Does your wife take much exercise!' asked Fenberdcm of Fogg, whose family is at ( the seaside. " Exercise!" exclaimed Fogg;' "I should say no. She changes her dress six times every day." An old coachman who was extolling the sagacity of one of his horses the other day, concluded by saying that, " if one was to go and ill use him he would bear malice just like a Christian." " No," he said, as they congratulated him on hie engagement. "I'm not so particularly charmed with the girl, but I expect to be very happy. Har mother is about the best tempered woman 1 know." Courage.—Papa: "Glad to see you tomorrow evening. My daughter Alice , will sing, and Beatrice will recite to us a new poem she's composed. We sup at nine." Young man: " Tnanks. You're vory kind. Most happy. I'll be with you at nine." A lazy boy wasone day examined by his teachrcr in arithmetic. He was asked, "Suppose you had one hundred pounds, and gave away eighty pounds, how would you ascertain how much you had remaining ?" Ho replied drawlingly, " Well, sir, I—l'd just countit." " I tell you what we shall do." said Fenders Dii, let's go into the newspaper business ; you furnish the money and I'll furnish the brain,," "Agreed," replied Fogg; "if we both put in ou.r whole capital wo shall have the satisfaction of knowing that we can never lose anything." "A Word and a Blow."—First Gent (Celt) : "Ye met 'm at mo brother's, the mimber, I think ?" Second Gent (Saxon): "Yea, but I haven't any favourable impression of him—'n—fact—ura—he struck me as a liar." First. Gent: "Did he, thin? I hope ye hit 'in back, surr ?" ' A man was hanged in Georgia jtho other day. A band of musio was present at the ceremony ancl played Golden Slippers," and other popular airs. It was not considered strange that t he condemned man was entirely reconciled to his fate by those that heard the alleged music. He was the only contented man in the crowd.

Tho social' position of the actor has improved of late years, bat still leaves muoh to be desired.—Walter Lissono (the Jeuno Premier of the Parthenon): " I ask you all, laiicsi, has an actor ever yet been made a Knight of the Gartpr, or even h id the refusal of a Peerage ?" Never !" Chorus of adoring duchesses, marchionesses, and countesses: "Shsime!" Thus Grandfather's Wisdom.—"When I was young," says a young man mournfully, }' my venerable grandfather never used to tip me, his invariable excuse being ; 'At your age you haven't any need oE money; but later on come to mo.' Well, when I was eighteen I went to him, and he coldly buttoned up his breeches-pocket, and said : 'At your ago you. ought to be making yonr own way in lihe world."'