IT IS TOWM TALK

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 92, 5 April 1902, Page 22

IT IS TOWM TALK

—That i'\ei\ da\ thirteen million kiml-heaitod guU sit dovwi to the piano without .1 thought ot the nnsfM thov ain about to inflict -That a \ouug man who until ipoonth resided m Mastcnton is laMiig chum to an eaiklom «l»vh cauk's with it substantial moans —That the counts papeis aie I-"" 1 * great st.ess upon the taott.it the champ.on p.n«-p°"«!<V °u Wellington are named Honev and bill\ -That a Northern papei sa\<- Theie 1S ono thine Methuen. can pride himselt on— in his time he has captured mom sheep than anv man in Ahica —That a galloper who nevei won a race and cost hisownei man> hundreds, recently drew that gentleman in a hearse to Ins last home. Grim' —That S\dnev'* garbage carts which are to do the work in future by night are to be fitted with rubber tyres so that thev won't disturb the sleeping citizens —That if the old axiom 'ginger for pluck" is to be lehed on. then the Ninth Contingent should about end the Boer War, as fullv fifty pei cent of the troopers are of a fiery hue. —That a disgusted Dunedin girl writes to the papers to warn King Dick that if he sends anv more Contingents to South Africa "New Zealand will soon be a nest of old maids —That among the useful articles presented to the South Island chaplain of the Ninth— a Dunedin minister— was a whisky flask. Some Presbyterian cordial will be useful out on the veldt. That Masteiton possesses the champion shot and the champion Methodist of the colony, and that that is the double-barrelled reason why Masteiton is suffering from swelled head just now. That at present British troops in Africa are easily ' knocking out" all previous records for mobility Eiehtv-foui miles in twentv-four hours two yeais ago would have beem utterly impossible — That a good sprinkling of featherbed officers, who were l o son\ that time and billets would not let them iom the war Contingents are woiknio strongly to get into the coronation contingent . — That a curled Johnnie, who took a quiet departure bv the last mail steamer, stowed himself awav so well that he could not be found even b\ his own friends who wished to be=tow then faiewell offerings. — That the Yankees ha\e the audacity to follow the lead of the Southern Millers' Combine. Four hundred million dollars is the little nest-egg Are not those Southern millers uncomfortable at havinig set so bad an example? — That Prince Honn on his 1 ecent visit to Amenca, spoke no German offi ciallv and conversed in English. Curiously enough this was the Emperor William's wish and was accepted bv the big German element in Amenca. — That ping-pong tournaments aiethe latest methods of raising the w ind for church building funds and debt-extin-guishing funds in the great Australian Commonwealth Thev have taken the place, of bazaars and art union raffles. — That a well-known gentleman, not unconnected with police matters, sav that there is room for a private detective agency in Wellington There is a possibility that such an office will bo soon started under expert guidance — That Geoige Fishei's name not being included among the deputation to see the Piemiei about that Customs site he intimated to the Haiboui Board that he would attend as advisei to the Piemier Rathei a staesoier for the Boa id — That a poith Auckland lad\ , who ga\e> \ oice to hei indignation at being jostled h\ a stout elderly gentleman when the Ninth wei e leading onU abandoned her diseie to punish him with lier umbrella when she discovered that he was the ledoubtable Dick Seddoii — That one result of Fedci ation is that South Australia has now to spend -£40 000 vearlv on milihaiism a*, against €12.000 annuaJlv befoie the Commonwealth was established As a consequence the Treasuier is talking about the need of fresh taxation — That the novelty of electric travel line church collection boxes in Australia has increased collections at least 50 per cent. Some of the Wellington churches, whose collections have been reduced bv those dreadful Sunday bands, should trv them There's money in it.

—That the Empne Ba/,aai stiuck the Empire Cit\ like a humcane this week. Takings for the fust night LlbO —That Richard John assuicd the people up North that D A', and health permitting, lie will letmn to New Zealand —That as Loid Roberts was given £100 (KM) for finishing the wai" some time ago he should now put this mono-* up as ,t lew aid foi the man whocaptuies Do Wet' That at a meeting of locomotne engineeis recent h the following toast wa.s lionoured 'To oui mothers— the onh faithful tendeis who never mis placed a switch " —That Factoi\ Inspector Shanaghan was chasing the nimble shilling lound town at a gieat rate on Tue^da\ . Tt was the- dav for factoi\ owneis to pa\ up tlien fees That few inon )un e done so much foi the Kmpne during the last few months a- Fathei O'Shea. It \ou aie in am doubt on that head just ask at the Skating Rink. That the Post's" post-mortem poet posing as, a pattern for politicians l^ distmcth humorous. Bile is so appaient in his screeds that one's faith in the bilious one must be ' Shacon." — That numeious northern tiadosmen are bemoaning the fact that se\ eral Contingent officers absent-mindedh didn't pav pav, pav, before thev de parted for Boer reducing purposes. That 'the junior membei" intends to give notice of his intention to introduce the closure at the Harbour Board so that the chairman can shut off steam when anv long-winded orator is on the job — That a local mashei, who had a little "tiff" with his best girl on Eastei Mondav and was asked to return all h&r letteis dropped thieo or four othei billets from eirls into the bundle. Excitoment intense — That a well-known local bachelor has a fine, up-standing wax doll for sale che>a,p. He won it in a lafflc at the Empire Bazaar Will take half-price or exchange for a bic\cle — free-wheel pi ef erred. — That the world is quite a small place after all A letter for Dannevirke inadvertently addi essed to Denmark has been to the land of butter, and has recently been delivered at its correct address — That much interest w as, show n at Worsen' Bav during the holidays in a young couple who suddenly lemembered the\ weie great chums at school The little nutation seemed vei\ pleasant to both pal ties — That quite a number of eminent citizen^ m holiday shirt sleeves w ere doing the pick and shovel business at Woiser Bay on Easter Monday They weie getting their vsections leadv for the \ ine and fig-treo — That one of the sights" at the Ninth's departuie fiom Auckland was the osculatorv demonstration of the eternal feminine, who kissed the men and hung on to them during the march to the wharf. They weie mostly young things in shoit frocks, with their hair hanging down — That, down South thev aie suggesting that King Dick, in his Windsor unifoim, should lead a battalion of New Zealand Amazons in khaki kilts to the fiont Thev are sure it would terntv the Boers into submission — especially if the age-limit were made high enough — That a backb locks pa^er is dissatisfied with the sensational melodiama that the local amateuis have tried to outshine Bland Holt with. It says ' The deaths are all too few . To mention that fact is to mention the chief blot on a piece which is otherwise entirely to the populai taste." — That a Southern chunk" was .so afehamed of his recoid that he handed the number of his convictions to the piesidmg J.P. on a piece ot paper. As it was onl> sixteen, the Justice 'cautioned and discharged" him. But, as the drunk remaiked afterwards 'His Woislup read the papei upside down'" — That one of the funniest sights of the Kasteir manoeuvies was the fiantic efforts ot a ceitam officer who was in the bra\e old Forty-fourth sn " or woids to that efteet, falling o\ ei an unaccustomed swoid. and getting his men to fire blank ammunition bv the hunch edw eight at the suppositions enenn — That Mr John Holmes, the Royal Commissioner is off by the Talune on Saturda\ en route Home We knew the\ would not be able to bring oft the coronation without him Mi Holmes who was Tiade Commissions foi the colonv in 1897-1898, lias his e\e<; wide open for fiesh notions He intends to give Fncle Sam a call on his wa\ back — That J. C. Williamson is understood to have cabled to Impiesano W McLaughhn of the Fmpire Bazaar Operatic Company asking him to name his own salary for a long engagement Fact that he was able to stage two operas after less than three months' preparation shows what a live man William is It comes of being in the Government Life line