WE wondti hwv man\ members of the New Zealand House of Repiesentatives wert aware that among the messengers who waited on them during the recent session there was one at least who bore a historic name and i<- a, blood relation to two men who have achieved celebrity Probably not a single member is aw are of the fact Yet Mr James Lalor, who came up from Greymouth to wear the liven of Parliament and who has just got back to the Coast this week to resume his avocation a.s a gold miner rould boast of his famih connections if he were not far too modest a man to %a\ anythine about himself at all • ♦ * He is a full cousin of the celebrated Irish orator Richard Ldlor Shiel, whose brilliant eulogium in the House of C ommons upon the bra\erv of +he In sh soldiers (in reph 1o Lord Lyndhurst) will be found in most of the standard recitation books issued during the last fifty years. Richard, the orator. »a Queens Count\ man James Lalor belonged to Kilkenny, and started his career in the post office and he might also have found his w ay to fc>t. Stephen's (who knows), only the gold discoveries at the other end of the world lured him to Australia, and he has been following up the gold ever since, but has never lighted on a pile He was m Ben.iigo when the Eureka not;, took place at Ballarat, and the Peter Lalor who figured so prominently at the Eureka Stockade, and who subsequently became the Hon. Peter Lalor, Speaker of the Victorian Legislative Assembly. was also a distant lelation of Mr. James Lalor • • • A Wellington officer who leturned home last week tells the following true Tarn A Pretoria train, coming swift) v along, caught a Kaffir boy's straying pig and slew- it so effectually that its remains were scattered for several yards. A British sentn witnessed the occurrence, and being hungry— as usual thought it would not be a bad idea to secure some of the fragments for his evening meal He chose the heart and part of the lner Scarceh had h* finished his meal when along came the Kaffir boy to whom the pig belonged Thus Tomm\ to him Well, Johnny awfully sorrj for your lo&s — suppose \on know 'your pig i& killed " Oh yes but me no care was the Kaffir boy's response, pig he aye measles " That mecht the Tomnn wat, escorted to bed b\ his companions who' formed a mock funeral procession, all sineing or whistling the Dead March in Saul."
We all agree, &ajs Mimel in tht Observer." that the Wellington girl, Mis*. Ettie Maginnit\ «af. the attraction of "lolanthe," and \et the Welhnghomans insist that we are madh jealous of them Just as though they had any-1-hmg foy us to be jealous of. Tl^ cannot but admit that we ungrudgingly gue them their due, if tlie popularity and success of Miss Maguimt.N is a case in point. lam told that she has been the. recipient of flowers b> the busliel lewellen galore and last but not least I mean not least in the opinion of the w riter — some poetic effusions* Here is an extract from one budding B^ run'Mttort Sweet Kttie Maginnitv You aie a di\ ini^ Do be my affinity Sweet Ettie M agin nit \ • » • An exciting scene occuued at PalmM.ton North the othei e\emng A \oung lad\ was walking with a malt triend w lien she was accosted bv :i stranger who roughh seized her arm, ,md heatedh accused her of deceit untrutMulne.ss, etc. Pie was> interrupted howe\er b^ the la<h's companion who in the course of a few minutes initiated the stranger into the mysteries ot upper cuts, counters, cross-counters etc , and incidentally helped him to a comprehensive view- of all the constellations in the zodiac. A very limp and wean figure slowly arose from the gutter, and made haste to reach the distant horizon. Sympathetic bystanders elicited the tact' that the battered one had mistaken the lad\ for his ow n best girl * • ♦ A firm ot New Zealand coal merchantrecently hit upon a novel way of doing business, b\ occasionally empt\ ing a ton of coals down people's cellars then going next da> and coolly telling them that by a mistake they had delivered the coal in the w rong cellar and offering it at a less rate than their rivals. In moot cases the game came off. However, the\ caught a Tartar one daj in the shape of a retired sailor They offered him the coal at a reduction but he would not have it at an\ price and to make matters worse told them to Hear it out of his cellar immediately' The old salt" went further and yaid he w a* not going to have his stairs and hall made a mess of through coalmen tramping up and down so that the\ would have to get the coal out of the cellar in the same manner that they put/ it in — le through a trap-door 1 As this would involve a good rial's work the coal merchants m the long lun weie beaten at their own game and madf him a present of the ton of coal » ♦ • On Lambton Qua\ a tew e\eniug--■since a foolish-looking \oungstei m,denth in trouble, sat down on the kerbstone and howled A gentkman * ell-know n for his bene\ olent apnear.uice, if for nothing more, inquired the (•lust of the tears. 'I\ c lost a shilling ' wailed the kiddie The bene\oh nt one put a, large hand into his pocket The \oungstei's» eves glistened Heie's a match look foi it And with that well-known of his he rhttcd kukw aids
A tale hafe filtered through from Dxinedin A braw Scot newly arrived, v ent into a hotel m that cit-v , and called for a whuskej ." tendering a shilling. He received sixpence change. Hn \e ever been in the Gordon Hielanders J " he inquired of the barman. No ' replied the barman 'but why do ou ask f Only baeauM I see \erc a gran' haund at ehairgnng. was the retort.
A new >.port ' Solemnh stated that an ardent' fisherman armed with all the paraphernalia of the gentle craft, a,ud a bag of lime goes to 1 a trout pool not a hundred miles from Carterton put-, las rod on the bank and hi« bag ot hint in the water, catcher all his fish m this sportsmanlike style and gets his photograph taken with the enormous capture of hit, rod. It is hoped, for the credit of the Anglo-Saxon race that this sport" l 1l 1 - a Chinaman ot i Hottentot
The usual Mock Parliament, with which the House entertains the occupants of the Gallery while the Speaker is awa\ at Government House with the Appropriation Bill, was shorter this year than usual. If there were not so many flakes ot wit, let it be remembered that members liar! bee 1 up all night, and. at am rate what they lacked in inspiration tlu-s made up in frolicsome pranks. The proceedings opened by Mr. O'Meara being mo\ ed into the chair, and bv Mr. Collins depositing the make-believe mace — in the form of a very ordinary walk-ing-stick — on the table. Then the voice of the ''javmal Faylix" (Mr. McGuire by the same token) was uolifted to suggest that it would add to the dignit\ of the Hon«e if Mr. Speaker arrayed himself n wig and gown. • • • As the member for Pahiatua resembles "Poor Old Jeff" in the upper story, tho hint about the wig provoked a roar of laughter and, as it died away Mr. Speaker O'Meara's voice was heard threatening the elect of Hawera with a 'wigging" if he earned that point any further. Just about this stage, Roderick from - Motueka rose to a point of order, and proceeded to enforce it by bonneting the Speaker with a wastepaper basket. The member for Pahiatua thereupon vacated the chair, and the West Coast McKenzie proceeded to ring the bell (for a House it is presumed), and, while engaged in this business, was in his turn, crowned with the nastp-paper basket bv Premier Dick. * • » Hostilities on the Coast seemed imminent when Mr. Collins, from Christchurch, saved the situation by ascending rhe chair, and announcing a message rrom the Governor, ordering Sir Joseph Ward to sing his favourite ditty, 'There's Bound to be a Row." Sir Joseph, however, was anticipated by a tiery oration from Motueka. which was cut short by the Premier raising th© point of order that the hon. member was addressing the House in an unknown tongue • * • The member for Motueka subsided in blank amazement at this outrage on the waste - paper basket, which had been adroitly placed in position for him by that prominent Oppositionist. Mr. Allen, of Bruce. Speaker Collins delivered his> ruling in the vhape of a paper bomb, which he hurled .straight at the head of the stalwart McKenzie, and, as the members of that rla,n never refuse a challenge to battle, a regular fusillade of paper bombs at once broke out with an occasional crash from a Long Tom when a handy volume was sent hurtling through the air in default of more stationery. One discharged volume, which was aimed at Richard the Seeond-to-none, iust missed Mr Joliffe the law draftsman, and obliged him to seek cover further in the rear. • • • The cannonade was going briskly forward between Oposition and Government benches when suddenly the real Mr. Deputy-Speaker, preceded by the awful majesty of the real mace hove in sight, and, in the twinkling of an eye, the House was at attention, and members looked for all the world like school, boys caught in flagrante delicto bv the head-master. Thus ended the Mock Parliament of 1901. The absence of "the mailed fist" was universally deplored. * • • A queer story is told of a professor of legerdemain now touring this colony. Fie asked for the usual silk hat from the audience, and, on one being offered to linn he descended the ladder from the platform and took it from the lender. Ascending again, he slipped, and sat clow n on that silken tile," ruining it entneh The audience roared. What a splendid conjurer he was 1 The prote&sor between the laughs, tried to explain that the hat really was ruined. but the audience roared more than ever. In an a<rom of apprehension, lie danced off tilt' stage, thumping that hat to the accompaniment of much laughter. The manager made a humorous excuse that the professor had gone for an axe to finish the destruction, and a young 'ady smerei filled the gap. The conjurer. however was fevenshh buying a new hat «-ome doois up the street, with which he letumed and in which he made the c "-toman omelett* to the satisfaction ( t tin audie 10 * « • Hitherto the fish liar" has been acknow ledged a.s a pureh British product but, jealous, of liei mother's reputation even in this America has now — possibly after year*. of private practice— entered the li^-ts A New York fisherman met a brother of the rod and line (or net?) trom C hicago and at once greeted him with Ah I s'p°« e you catch whales in Chicago 0 " 'No" was the instant reph 'we use them for bait." The same two individuals became matched for .500 dollars a-side to test who could Ditch thf biggest li — prevarication. Qualified judges were appointed, and the Chicago champion commenced. "There was once," he "in Chicago a gentleman '' ''Stoo right thar," interrupted the New Yorker . "after that I've no hone in this content. TaVe mv dollars uid let me get a hraath of fresh -air."
The lady who stopped the train on which Fighting Mat" was travelling, with an umbrella to obtain his autograph, is pretty good as a sample ot cheok. An unrecorded instance of the samo \irtue is given b> an unreliable person, who vouches for its correctness During the Royal flight through New Zealand, a settler's wif«\ at an intermediate station appeared on the platform with three children of even ages. She protested loudh that, though born during the lifetime of Queen Victoria. the> had never been paid for as per Royal rules laid down in relation to triplets. The unreliable person tells us that, the Prince, feeling the pockets of his royal bifurcations failed to find the requisite £3 bonus, and laughingly told his private secretary to have a note ot the lady's address taken, which he did < • • One of the local papers — and it was not the "Tunw."- had a mounted war correspondent, attached to the attacking party at last Saturday's sham-fight at Miramar. The pressman was not an experienced horseman, which fact was palpable even to tht small boy who dotted the line of march more numeroush than Colonel Collins's army. This correspondent looked the cavalryman s part so long as his horse kept to a walkins gait — which happened in those parts where the people most did congregate But there came occasion when he had to make pace in a hurry and then he got some fr-->e criticism • • • Such as— "Saj don't go up too high, then you won't have so far to fall 1 'What oh 1 doesn't he bump!' "You've got your legs too far through \our pants'" "Win don t you pump saddle?" "Who** steering the circus —you or the moke 1 " That pressman, ulio had to come back to town in a hurry with his "copj .' tells us plaintively that he felt for se^ eral days afterwards as if he had played pivot in the scrum in an extra rough football match. » « • Tn the great, glonou& name of unionism, the shearers, both "scab" and union are hacking each other with shear blades, and fighting with "waddies" in Germanton (New South Wales). They always would try to conciliate the working man. and the more conciliation he gets the greater his enmity to all order and decorum. The worker ot New South Wales is not a pleasant individual when he gets the upper hand. This scribe remembers a shed ot l*u men who "struck" (there being no other shearers within 100 mileo) because they were asked to eat mutton, the only kind of animal horses exeepted, within a radium of thirty miles Seven thousand sheep starved in the yards for three days while the shearers scoured the country for beef and thi> manager dare not whimper All those men were good unionists and true, and they knew who had possession of the thumb-screws. Also they knew- that their iniquitous conduct would be upheld bv the union agitators who didn't shear — sheep.
Is, it time the Mouej Lenders' Bill was passed? Evidently The wail of the Auckland clerk, who, in. the Bankruptcy Court pleaded that he was unable to pay his way, as he was required to pay (>■>' per cent, on borrowed money to the financial sharks, is the wail of hundreds, who welcome the amendisg legislation who welcome the amending legislation with glad news,. The usurious moneylender is already shifting camp to fresh fields where the pigeon is waiting to be plucked to the extent of 65 per cent. • • ♦ A Thorndoa man asks, us to dehn. what h a sleeper, in order to decide a wacrer at the Wellesley Club. Well, here goes A sleeper is one who sleeps and a sleeper is a saloon carnage on a railway train in which the sleeper bleeps " and a sleeper is a tie under the rails on which the sleeper in which the sleeper sleeps is run. Now, then when the sleeper sleeps in the sleeper that is carried o^er the sleeper under the sleeper m which the sleeper sleeps the sleeper sleeps in the sleeper until the sleeper m which the sleeper sleeps jumps off the sleeper and wakes the sleeper in the sleeper by bumping against the sleeper until there is no longer any sleeper sleeping in the sleeper in which the sleeper sleeps • • • A good story is going the round of football circles, which is too good to be let go unrecorded. The subject of the anecdote is a popular captain of a very ytrong football team, and he was doing a service to his club and himself at the same time by performing some little carpentering work in the gymnasium.
when a bright youth strolled in. who, aspiring to become a member of the second team, and being recommended to the club secretary, had been written to by that official and asked to come round for an interview . With the captain he naf. soon in conversation, and. having spoken of his own prowess at the game and feats he had achieved in junior club* he put the question. "Do pla\ yourself h" ♦ » • The captam replied, A little,' 1 which drew the next query, "Do you expect to be tmed.-' 1 He nodded And may be," continued the jouth. 'you think b> tinkering here you will have a better chance of being picked s " Another nod. Then you take it from me," was the rejoinder, given with great decision, and in a tone of very superior worldly wisdom, "if you start doing the bullockmg work they will keep you at it, and •)U will never be a footballer'" # * * A literary critic arises in wrath, and -smit<\s the modern song Many of our popular concert gems" are made up of the kind of "poetry" — so called by courtesy — of which it ha& been remarked that, like an undeveloped photographic plate, it should never see the light, and v hich the hungriest back-block editor would fling with double-concentrated contempt into his waste^paper basket. Your 'poem' used? I should say not,'" the editor is made to say in emphatic reply to an inquiry. 'Would you give me a candid criticism of it ?" the '"pote" queried. "Certainly," replied the editor. It is clumsy and vulgar and unspeakably idiotic." '"Good." "Good?" '"Yes," said the delighted poetaster, "set to music it will become a popular song " • • * A certain volunteer officer, who is also a politician, is the subject of an interesting story. He was to put in a fortnight in a wet camp, and so the ladies of the tow n sent him along a box containing woollen comforts" generally, and pyjamas in particular. No acknowledgment was sent, and the ladies were anxious. They telegraphed 'Anxious to know if you got the pyjamas last week." Now the captain had been sitting up with the boys the night before, and when the despatch was handed him he was trying to reduce his swollen head with a wet towel, and his mind was somewhat oonfused. So the ladies of the relief society were astonished by the receipt of this despatch — "Story is a lie, probably made up b\ nn enemies to ruin me politically. Admit am not a total abstainer, but never had the pyjamas last week or at am other tune
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