SOME IRISH BULLS.

North Otago Times, 22 May 1909, Page 2 (Supplement)

SOME IRISH BULLS.

I Sir Richard Steele, that famous Irish knight of cleverness and wit, once invited an English nobleman to visit him by saying, "If, sir, you ever 'come within a mile of my house, I ihope you will stop there!" It was this same Sir Richard that, on being asked why his countrymen made so many bulls, replied, "I cannot tell if it is' not the effect of the climate. I fancy if an Englishman was born in Ireland, he would : make as many."

An Irishman who married at nineteen repented of his choice and swore that he would not get married so young again if ho lived to be as old as Methuselah,

"Oh, don't be unaisy, sir," cried the Irish assistant, "Sure I must have taken it out to open the hogshead !"

"Whiniver anyone's asked me what counthry I loike best, I've always toild him Oirland," said a stardy labourer. "But," he added, "no one's iver asked me yit." MADE TAY WITH IT. The Irish porter of Va Dublin grocer was accused of stealing chocolate. In court his master charged him with selling it, thus wounding his pride.

"Indade, sir," he said, "do you think I'd have sold it ?"

"Then what did you do with it ?" was asked.

"Since you must know, I took it home, and me an' my ould 'oman made tay of it," i A salesman in the old country recommended a certain rich material by saying, "Madam, it will wear for ever and make a petticoat afterwards," Two members of the Bar, Doyle and Yelvcrton, quarrelled and came to blows. Doyle knocked Yelverton down twice and exclaimed, "Yon scoundrel, I'll make yo behave yourself like a gentleman!" At this the other rose, screaming, "No, sir, never! I defy you, I defy you ! You could not do it!" HER WOODEN-HEADED SON. A proud maternal heart declared that there was never such another as her son Bill, who had made two chairs and a fiddle out of his own head and had wood enough left to make one more.

"I will never spake to you more!" declared a lover, furiously. " Kape your spake to yourself then !" retorted the girl. ' "I am sure I can live without either it or your company."

"I am sure so can I, then I" came the surprising answer. An Irish carpenter sent in a bill for "hanging two barndoors and himself, seven hours, ten and six."

A young woman admitted that she liked her lover very much, hut said she was the darling of a widowed mother whose kindness could not be equalled. "Marry me," begged the enthusiastic lover, "and see if I don't beat your mother!" "As 1 was going over the bridge Ibo other day," said a son ol Erin, "I met Michael Connolly. " ' Counolly,' says I, ' how are you?' " 'Pretty well, thank you, Keefe,' says he. " ' Keele!' Hays I, ' that's not my name!' " ' Faith,' says he, ' and mine's not Connolly!'" With that we looked again at aich other, and sure enough it was nayther ul us," TWO TOR THE DOCTORS.

Physicians in the old country sometimes administered fearful doses of medicines, Witness the eflect on the Irishman that said lie took so many drugs that he was sick & long time aftei he got well. Ad Irish peasant was floundering through a bog on a small ragged pony. In its efforts to push on, the animal got one of its feet entangled in the stirrup. "Arrah, my boy !" exclaimed the rider. "If you are going to get up, it's time for me to get down." A left-handed maid servant, with the habit of her peculiarity, reversed the order of the knives and forks ou the dinner table. Her master, observing the mistake, reproved her. "Ah, true, indeed, sir," said she, "and now would you be pleased to help me turn the table 7" "Oyez! Oyez!" exclaimed h bellringer In Cork. "Lost somewhere between twelve o'clock and McKinney's store nn Market Street, a large brass key. I'll not be after tellin' yea what it is; but it's the key ol tho liauk, sure," Oijk of Dryden's plays was condemned by the severity of the Duke ol Buckingham's witticism on the line, "My wound is great because it is so small," to which the Duke drily replied, "Then 'twould lie greater were it none at all." Kelly, a stage manager In Sheridan's time at Drury Lane, once fell through a trap door and broke his log. When picked up, he remarked that it was well he had not been killed; for Sheridan would then have had to keep him for life, An Englishman was, writing a letter in a coflee house, and perceiving that an Irishman, stationed behind him, was reading over his shoulder, suw fit to reprove the Hibernian, i He concluded writipg his letter in ! these words, "I would say more; but a damned tall Irishman is reading over my shoulder every word I write." "But I wasn't reading I" said the sell-convicted Hibernian. \

A medical student, who was asked what progress he had made In his profession, replied, "1 hope soon to be qualified to bt a physician; for I think 1 am now able to cure a child." :

NOT WIND ENOUGH FOR BOTH. A miller, who found that o rival in trade was about to set up a windmill beside his, tried to dissuade him by the remark, "You Bee, there is not wind enough to move one windmill, let alone two." It was Sir Boyle Roche, famed for his frequent use of bulls, who once declared, "Mr, Speaker, I do not see why we should put ourselves out of the way for posterity. What has posterity done for us ?" On another occasion, he said, " I am willing to give up not a part, but the whole, of the Constitution, to preserve the remainder." A ridiculous reply was made by the young man who realised the embarrassment of meeting a girl by appointment. "Suppose, my dear Madam," he said to the one that performed the part of go-between for the young couple, "you could manage it so as to let us meet at your house without either of us being aware that the other was pre-

An Irishman, having challenged a man to fight a duel, who somehow forgot to keep the appointment, mel his antagonist the same, day and said, "Well, sir, I met you this morning ; but you did not come. However, I am determined to meet you to-morrow morning whether you come or not!"■ . MAKING EARLY BREAKS. The autobiography of a celebrated Irishman contains the surprising astion that he "ran away early in life from his father, on discovering he was only his uncle," An Irish lad, complaining of the harsh behaviour of his father, declared that he treated him "as if he was his son by another father and mother," An apprentice sailor boy fell from the round top to the deck, stunned, but little hurt. The Captain exclaimed In surprise, "Why, where did you come from?" "Prom the north of Ireland, yer honour," was the prompt reply, as the poor fellow gathered himself up.