MR. BROWNSMITH'S ONLY ADVENTURE.

North Otago Times, Volume XVIII, Issue 720, 12 April 1872, Page 4

MR. BROWNSMITH'S ONLY ADVENTURE.

George IV., of magnificent memory, said that a woman was at the botton of all the troubles a man got himself into. One fine day, a painter in his majesty's palace fell down a ladder, and broke his leg. "Who is she? Who is she?" asked the King. " May it please your Majesty, it is a man. " Norisenso, nonsense ! Who is she 1 " again demanded his Majesty. " May it please your Majesty, it is a man." But the King was in the right. The painter had broken his leg because he had leaned too far over his ladder for the purpose of giving a kiss to one of the royal housemaids. Now to apply the august maxim, and show how Mrs Brownsmith got me into trouble. My wife is a splendid woman, as you would say if you saw her. But proud as I was of her, we had not been married long before I saw that if I was to be master for life, I must assert my authority at once and for ever. I waited for an opportunity, and an opportunity came. We were in the breakfast-room of our little villa, near Sandstone, and a long altercation ended thus — " Well, Mr Brownsmith, if you have made up your mind not to take me to the seaside, I have made up my mind to go to my mother's house, and stay there till you choose to behave like a man and not like a savage. I go." With an elegant sweep of her rustling petticoats, she left the room ; and shortly after I saw her cross the garden in the direction of Acacia Cottage, where my beloved mother-in-law resides — unhappily for me, within five minutes' walk of us. I'll show her — I'll tame her ladyship," in an evil moment I thought to myself. So I packed a small portmanteau, ordered a fly to take me to the station, and left this little note on my wife's dressingtable: — "Dear Augusta — f leave for London by the 2.30 express ; I shall not return until I receive an apology from you. My address will be Langhani Hotel, Portland-place. — W., Sunny Villa, Friday." Certainly I thought I had the best of It. There shone before me a pleasant run to town — Exhibition in the morning, theatres and opera in the evening, a conqueror's return home, and triumphant entry into my house before my subdued wife, an overflowing forgiveness on my part, a joyful reconciliation, and peace for evermore. Soon, with excited spirits, I was borne away from my home towards London by the express. There was but one occupant of the first-class carriage with me, and a most agreeable companion he was — full of conversation, well educated, as far hs I could judge, very obliging and entertaining. The only thing I did not like about my companion was his style of diess. It was most decidedly of the outre order. Boots with patent leather tips ; trousers of a monstrous pattern j a low cut, bright colored waistcoat, across which wandered a chain, apparently so massive that any hotel-keeper to whom it \sas offered would gladly allow one to live luxuriously on the strength of it for a month. Then, as I raised my eyes higher, my sight was dazzled wtili a {huge blue satin scarf, fastened with a pin of gigantic size. Add a cut-away green coat, unbuttoned, a white open overcoat, a white hat, and bright kid gloves, and you have betore you the dress of my companion. However, he was a downright good fellow, and most amusing vis a vis ; and very glad was I to travel in such good eociety. Anecdotes without end were poured into my enchanted ear. My quarrel, my wife, my home, were all forgotten ; and, in the highest spirits, we rushed along towards London at the rate of some forty- miles an hour. I had almost forgotten to say that early in the journey, my friend, who had a flask of sherry, had placed it at my service. We had just passed" F station, when the gentleman with whom I was travelling directed my attention to some alterations that were being made in Mr Montgomery's park. By leaning out of the window I could get a good view of them. As I drew my head in, my friend kindly handed me my pockethandkerchief, which I had dropped. The wind and dust which I had picked up while hanging out of the carriage window caused me to use my pockethandkerchief freely about my face and nose. How very sleepy I felt — how I yawned ! I recollect nothing more, save that I think my friend took his pocket-handkerchief, and kindly wiped my face. When I say that I recollect nothing more, I am hardly using the right expression — I mean that I can recollect nothing more that occurred in my friend's presence. Would to heaven that I could remember nothing more. The next thing I can recall is feeling rather cold ; "then,' rather confused and cramped. I seemed apparently to be in my coffin, and without a shroud on. In a few minutes, I discovered that ] was lying under the seat of the carriage. in the state Adam was in when he* was made — no, just a trifle more clothed than he was, for I had on a pair o: socks and a short flannel waistcoat. S< you can easily understand that I wai neither^ very warn nor very presentable When I had succeeded in draggiug my self out of my bed, I still felt drunk aiu confused; but as I gradually collecte< my senses, I saw that my late absen kind friend had left behind him, for in; 'use, his patent tipped boots, bui trousers, gaudy waistcoat, scarf and pir white coat and hat. Moreover, ,he hm not forgotten to draw down the blind* He had, however, I discovered take my purse with him, and had f orgotte to leave his own behind. Betwee yawning and anathematising, a fe 1

more moments passed away. k Suddenly, I heard, the sharp, shrill wistle, and then the deep groaning of the break. Into my friends trousers I tried to jump ; but, alas ! either in my confusion, I put the wrong leg in, or poked it between the lining and the cloth,' or the wretch had played me a schoolboy's trick, and had fastened up the lining in his nether garments. The train was stopping — 0, horror of horrors ! I extricated my leg from the confounded trap, and rushed to the window. The train had stopped ! I verily believe that from that moment my first grey hairs began to appear. With desperate tenacity, in a state of almost perfect nudity, I hung on to the door and window. Good gracious ! — a scurrying of steps outside ! Who is coming into my carriage ? An old lady, who will scream, and give me into custody? A young lady, who will faint ? A father of a family, who will kick me down the platform 1 A ticketcollector, who will — Ah ! ah ! ah-h-li ! There is a hand on the outside moving the handle of the door ! Oh, the agony of those seconds ! I would rather be hanged, I would rather be torn asunder by wild horses, I would rather live six times my natural time of existence, with six scolding, fault-finding wives, than go through the agony of those moments again ! Pen cannot ' describe what I suffered. Beads of perspiration raced down my poor, cold, shivering features - — my hair stood on end, my teeth chattered ; but to the door and window my hands clung with a strength of grasp that Policeman A and Policeman B could hardly have overcome without tearing my fingers from their sockets. A bell, a guard's whistle, and an engine shriek ! Hurrah ! we start again. I am saved — saved — saved ! I feel desperately faint, but in time I recovered. Saved, indeed ! Poor wretch ! I little knew what was in store for me. Slowly and deliberately I dressed myself in my friend's clothes. Unaccustomed to be decked in gorgeous array, I began, with half col'ected senses, to think what a figure I looked. "Hallo, what's that? What is the train stopping again for so soon ? " I was well acquainted with the line, and knew that the express ought not to stop at the next station. Some accident, I thought. " Tickets, tickets all ready." What on earth is the meaning of all this 1 I draw out my friend's ticket. He is only to F , I am going to London. * Never mind, it is of no consequence, I can pay the difference. Ah, but then I have no purse. N'imporfe, I can draw a cheque at Paddington, and wait till it is cashed. The door was opened, and I beheld the guard, stationmaster, and two policemen. "All right," said one of the latter to the stationmaster, " this is our man ; directly he is out of the carriage, the train may go." " All wrong," said I. " You have made a mistake — I have no intention of getting out hero. I nm going on to town." 1 never had seen a policeman on duty laugh before ; but over the stern, hirsute face of W U. — which stands for Wilts Constabulary — No. 1172, there passed something like a grim smile as he replied — " It is of no use, my man, you must come out at once ; you are fairly caught. If you obey us, and accompany us quietly, we will give you no unnecessary pain ; but if you hesitate or resist fur one moment we shall at once put on these." As he spoke, he held up before my bewildered gaze a pair of handcuffs, which rattled most ominously. Good gracious ! what could be the meaning of all this? Mechanically, I did what I suppose others would have done. I got out of the carriage. The train moved on. I assumed stern indignation, though ill at ease. " Now, then," said I, " what the dickens do you mean by all this?" "Come, come, my man, your swagger don't do with us. You must come along," was the answer of my guardians. " But what am I charged with ? What do you want me for ?" " Well, that is a good joke, and you are a cool hand," replied W.C. 1172. But now, business is business, my man We are bound to take you up, and you are bound to come with us, quietly if you will, if not — " Here he again held up the handcuffs. " You are charged with forging a cheque for .£970 on the Sandstone Bank, and with half killing, if not actually murdering, P. C. Suith of the Somersetshire force. We arc going 1 to take you to the lock-up, and to-moriow you will have to appear before the magistrates. I am obliged to caution you that you need not say anything ; and that if you do say anything to commit yourself, it will be brought up as evidence against you." Good heavens ! And so I was a forger and a murderer ! " Well — but," said I, these are not ray own clothes. A gentleman in the carriage changed clothes with me : or rather he left me alone — ahem — naked ; and 1 put on his clothes, and then you came, and — and — . Confound it, you don't think I am he." "Oh, no," said W.C. 1172, " you ain't him — not a bit of it ; you are yourself. Well, you must think us green, to try and palm that off on us." And immediately there arose a subdued official chuckle. Ere long it came to pass that I was obliged quietly to accompany my captors to the police-station. Mr Inspector booked the charge, whereby it seemed that I really was a forger and. all but murderer. It was quite in vain that I protested and vowed that I was not the forging murderer in question, but Edward Fitzgerald,' of Sunny Villa, near Sandstone, t- 1 was cut short in my protestations with, " You must prove that before the magistrates to-morrow, if you can." And sp I was consigned to a cell, there to await ,to-morrow. But first I was searched; -and on me, to my dis-

gust, were found a ticket to F , not to London, where I said I was going, and a clasp knife slightly stained with blood. " No use denying it, my man. We have got you, and shall not let you escape !" I felt half distracted by the position I was placed in. " Please, Mr Inspector, may I telegraph to my wife ?" The Inspector was naturally a kind man ; and, probably, a momentary dream of my possible innocence flitted across his official mind. " Well, I hardly know," he said. " However, write down the telegram and let me see it. I suppose, too, you will want me to lend you a shilling ?" Quickly I wrote — " From Edward Brownsmith, Policestation G., North Wilts, to Augusta Brownsmith, Sunny ViPa, Sandstoue. Dearest — I am taken up wrongly on suspicion. Come at once. Bring vicar of parish to prove my identity." Iu an hour's time, a grim policeman handed me the following telegram in reply : — " Edward, I am not so easily taken in by your dodge. Come home ; take me to sea-side ; then all forgiven." Now, I never before, in my recollection, swore at man or woman ; but I am afraid that then my mouth did form what, I suppose, the sapient conco'ctor of the new "Public School Latin Primer" would term a monosyllabic dental word terminating with the stem N ; and they would probably further describe it as a transitive verb. Thank goodness my wife cannot understand all that. Depict the utter wretchedness of that night I spent locked up in my cell. Before post — but subject to police inspection, and, I believe, also to police copy — I wrote a most humble, imploring letter to my wife. Goodness knows what amount of dirt I ate in that epistle. Next morning 1 , about twelve o'clock, I was had up before the magistrates. Everything that you already know was brought up against me ; and, moreover, it was sworn that Jabez Gough, dressed as I was, had left Sandstone station dressed in the very clothes I had on, had a knife and ticket such as were found on me. My telegram and its answer were brought forward as condemning evidence. It was stated that the reply was supposed to be from an accomplice, and in cypher; and a remand was asked for. I was remanded. One or two of the magistrates seemed slightly to hesitate ; but, really, my slangy dress, my worn and harassed appearance, and circumstances in general, were so much against me, that I was not surprised at what happened. Before the Court was up, I was again put into the dock before the Bench. To my glad surprise, I saw about to come into the witness-box my wife, the clergyman of my parish, and two Somersetshire magistrates, one of whom, as afterward appeared, was kuown to some members of the North Wilts Bench at G . Quickly it was proved to the semi-omniscient ey& of all-searching unpaid justice that I was what I am, and not the notorious forging malefactor, Jabez Gough, who had so many other aliases that I dare not attempt to pick out his real name. The meeting with my wife and friends, the lespectful but not at all servile apology of the policemen, my late guardians, tho dinner with some of the magistrates who had sat in judgment on me, the journey home next day, the unceasing banter which I everywhere encountered, and the awful curtain lectures from my wife, I pass over, and leave to the imagination of my readers ; though to me they were stern realities. All I can say is, that if there are many wives who possess the twenty-Caudle-horse — I beg pardon, twenty-Caudle-mare-power — that Mrs Browcsmith is gifted with, I am surprised that there are not more suicides per aunum than the Eegistrar-General would have us believe. Of course, I had to take Mrs B. to the seaside. She put on the inexpressibles there, and has worn them ever since— to the great misfortune of her henpecked husband. I hear her gentle voice calling me to roll the grassplot. It's hard work, but — " Coming-, my d-e-r. J,C-o m-ing !"• — ' Once a Week

Photography by Moonlight. — A controversy has for some time been raging as to the possibility of obtaining photographs by tho moonlight only. Mr Ogier, who has taken an uctivo part in it, has practically demonstrated that between tho hours of nine p.m. and one a.m., a landscape photograph may be taken by the light of the moon. Bab I he question arises whether the moon has any luminous power of her own besides tho reflected light from the sun ; ho bases this opinion partly on the fact that h«r light makes a stronger impression the further she is removed from tho sun, and also from the fact that tho moonbeams reproduce colors which it is very difficult; to obtain by tho power of tho sun's rays, yellow, for instance. This is a subject well worth tho attention of natural philosophers and astronomers.

A Use fdu Nettles. — Sow and plant nettles, say3 M. G-arrcno, a French savan, and all the sand-hills in the south and the wastes in other parts of Franco will be converted inlo green and prjfitable fields. M. G-arrrno wonders that tlio wot Id is so slow to learn the grc.it economic value of this robust plant, which will grow everywhere. Kniso your nettles, and in the young tops thereof yon will havo a delicious and early vegetable for your dinner-table, and abundance of early green food for your cattle ■tThe milk of cows is improved by a diet of nettle", and the beef of cattle fed on nettli's is (superior to all other. Uottlos, too, are, of remarkable efficacy in restoring broken-down horses to vigor. And in commerce , their value is great ; for they can bq treatcil as hemp, and spun into" lines and ropes, and' woven into cloth. 1 , -. -

News. — A Northern -contemporary says that the Provincial Government of Otasjo, believing that the Cabinet would endorse tho decision of tho IIouso of Representatives" and hold tho ensuing session at Diiue v lin instead of Wellington, sccurecL a residence for His Excellency and suite, and fitted itup at considorablo expense. It will not sijrprise us it tlio'Otago Executive seek compensation for the loss lluu foolishly entailed.