THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume 60, Issue 53, 5 March 1935, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Compulsory. —Caller: I am so sorry your mistress is out. Do you think she will be at home this evening?

Maid: She’ll have to be; it’s my night out.

Not Found. —There was a timid knock at the door. “If you please, kind lady,” said the beggar, “I’ve lost my right leg.” “Well, it ain’t here,” exclaimed the woman.

Similar. —First Angler: Had any luck? Second Angler: Not a bite. First Mosquito: Had any luck? Second Mosquito: Not a bite. 4* *

Gallant —She: Now, can you guess my age, Major?

Gallant Major: No. I can’t; but you don’t look it.

More Dependable.— The driver of the dilapidated car asked the bystander: “Can you tell me the quickest way to Victoria?”

After a critical glance at the car, the bystander replied: “Yes, take a bus.”

Slippery.—“Do you take exercise after your bath in the morning?” asked Perkins.

Jerkins: Yes; I generally step on the soap as I get dut.

Ulterior Motive. —Elsie: I wish I had a really bad cough. “Why?” “Mother always buys me such lovely cough sweets then.”

Unheard Of. —“ Yes,” said Meekly, “I’m told that we’re going to move to Swamphurst.” “But,” said the old doctor, “the climate may disagree with your wife.” “It wouldn’t dare!” «- -x- *

Easily Explained—Housewife: But, my good man. your story has such a hollow ring.” Tramp: Yes, ma’am, that’s what comes of speaking on an empty stomach.

Lacking.—“ Well,” asked the doctor, “did you do what I instructed?” “No,” replied the harassed patient. “But I said it was important that you got your wife to wrap your neck up in flannel,” went on the medical man sharply. “I know, doctor, b-but—” stammered the patient. “And she was to bathe the spot with boric,” went on the doctor. “Has she done it?”

“No, doctor,” murmured the other. “Then why not?” snapped the doctor.

“I haven’t got a wife,” came the reply.

Production And Consumption.— Your little wife made that cake with her own dear little hands! He: Well, now, if my little wife will eat that cake with her own dear little mouth I will be satisfied. ■if -Sfr Mdtter Of Health.—Liz: Yer father’s in for a hot time to-night, Bill. Bill: How’s that? “Because father says they’re goin’ to toast your father to-night at the club.”

Reliable Timepiece—Ethel: Please, can you tell me the time? Willie: I don’t know exactly, but it isn’t four o’clock yet! “Are you sure?” “Quite; ’cause I have to be home by four, and I’m not home yet.”

The Rebuff.—Conceited Young Man: I wonder why that young lady over there looks at me so much? Sarcastic Young Lady: She has weak eyes, and the doctor told her to relieve them by looking at something green.

Predestined—“My father,” boasted the man to his friend, “knew the year, the month, and the hour he was going to die.” “Good gracious!” exclaimed his friend, “how did he know?” “The judge told him,” said the man, as he went to catch the train.

Calling All Cars.—lt was about 10 o’clock at night ; and the two occupants of the police car patrolling the rain-washed, deserted streets were rather fed-up. “Nothing coming through?” the driver asked his fellow-policeman, who sat in the back seat with the wireless earphones over his head. “No— Wait a second, though. Here’s a message from headquarters.” He began writing. “Well, what is it?” asked the driver eagerly. “Sergeant says bring in an extra portion of fish and chips when we go back for supper. He’s got a visitor at the station,” replied the man at the set.

Method Always.—Jake was a worthless and improvident fellow. One day he said to the local grocer: “I got to have a sack of flour; I’m all out, an’ my family is starvin’.” “All right, Jake,” said the grocer. “If you need a sack of flour and have no money to buy it with, we’ll give you a sack. But, see here, Jake, there’s a circus coming to town in a few days, and if I give you a sack of flour, are you sure you won’t sell it and take your family to the circus?” “Oh, no,” said Jake, “I got the circus money saved up already.”

In The Mode.— Mrs Style: I want a hat, but it must be in the latest style.

Shopman: Kindly take a chair, madam, and wait a few minutes; the fashion is just changing.

On The Safe Side. —His Heroine: Do you know, papa can’t keep his feet still when he hears music?

Her Hero (timidly): Well, please don’t play until I get outside.

Face His Misfortune. —A wealthy but exceedingly ugly man was having his portrait painted. “As you intend to show the picture at the exhibition when finished,” said the sitter, “I hope you will do me justice.”

“It's not justice you want,’" answered the artist, “it’s mercy.”

Pity The Twins. —Caller: I never saw two children look so much alike. How does your mother tell you apart. One of the Twins: She finds out by spanking us. Dick cries louder’n I do.

Novel Suggestion —Actress: I wonder what I shall do this, season to keep myself prominently before the public? Sister Actress: Why don’t you try acting?

Watt A Voice! —King, the earnest local organiser, called at the home of ~ one of the villagers. “Ah, Mr Jones!” he said. “I’ve called to ask you if you’ll sing at the concert we are holding next week "" in aid of the hospitals. What kind of a voice have you?” “Well,” returned Jones, with little enthusiasm, “I’ve got what you might call an electric voice.” “And what kind of a voice is that?” asked the puzzled visitor. “When you hear it you’ll have a shock,” came the reply. & «5f 45* The Quarry. —Husband: One night » while you were away I heard a burglar. You should have seen me going downstairs three steps at a time. Wife (who knows him): Was he on the roof? * -xBill and Coo. —She: I have a new milliner, Jack! Don’t you think my hats are more becoming than they used to be?, He: Yes; and your bills are becoming more than they used to be. -s -:*■ * Down To Earth. —She (poetically): 5 isn’t that sunset glorious, Harold. The bars of red and gold are Nature’s own efforts in picture-mak-ing. What— He: Yes, dear, it puts me in mind of something, too. I can’t think whether it’s streaky bacon or a plate o’ sliced tomatoes.

— "Humorist." FIRST LARGE GENTLEMAN: “Let’s split a taxi ” SECOND DITTO: “I think we should.”

Alarmed.—Two Irishmen were having their first ride on a doubledeck bus. Pat went inside and Mike went on the top. Mike came running down the stairs, looking very scared. “What’s the matter?”, said Pat. “Matter!” said Mike. “There is no driver up there!” Something New.—Mr Spriggins (gently): My dear, a man was shot at by a burglar, and his life was saved by a button which the bullet struck. Mrs Spriggins: Well, what of it? “Nothing; only the button must have been on.” vr vr vf Taken Upon Himself.—lt was not the 1/- fee that caused Sandy to look so sorrowful as he staggered from the palmist’s tent at the village fete. “Mon, Sandy, whit’s wrang wi’ ye?” asked a friend. “Ye’re lookin’ awfu’ glum.” Sandy: That wumman in there telt me my wife’s second husband was tae be awfu’ handsome and clever. “Well, ye’re no needin’ tae worry aboot that. It’ll be all the same when ye’re dead and awa’.” “It’s no’ that,” replied Sandy, listlessly. “Whit’s making me worrit is tae ken Jean wis marrit afore and never telt me!”

Safety First.—Pat had a great weakness for whisky, and the parish priest had been trying to reform him. “Pat Murphy,” he said one day, “the next drop of spirit you drink will probably turn you into a mouse?” “What!” gasped Pat “Do ye mean that if Oi touch even a small one Oi’ll turn into a mouse?” “Quite possible,” said the Father, trying hard to suppress a smile. Pat at once put on his hat and made for the door. “Ah,” said the other happily, “so you are going off at once to sign the pledge, are you?” “No fear,” cried Pat. “Oi’rn going home to drown the cat.”

Quite Willing.—The prosecuting counsel was having a little trouble with a rather difficult witness. Exasperated by the man’s evasive answers, he asked him if he was acquainted with any of the jury. “Yes, sir, more than half of them,” replied the man in the box. “Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?” asked counsel. “If it comes to that, I’m willing to swear that I know more than all of ’em put together.” ramo from the witness.